I Don’t Know How I Knew, But I Did.

Every once in a while, I break my own heart to let the memory of you wash over me for just a few moments. The feeling of being loved by you was the most amazing and terrifying feeling in the world and for some reason, I can never let it go.

I let myself forget you, but never long enough for it to stick. Your smell. Your lips. The look on your face or the sound of your tired voice on the phone. It’s never too far from my mind, no matter how many times I’ve tried.

No matter time or distance, I can’t write without the thought of you. Reliving the moments of us are the only way for the words to make any sense. I knew you took a piece of me when you left, I guess I never realized it was the part of me that wanted to be a writer. The part of me that could feel my soul spilling out so effortlessly into words to express the feelings I didnt even quite understand. When I live inside of those memories I could make anyone fall in love with a version of you that I write out in hopes to expel these feelings that never seem to go away forever. But when I lock those memories up the words are gone. I wrote so goddamn much about you I don’t think I know how to write about anything else

You should’ve killed me when you had the chance, but it isn’t in your nature to be that kind…

Sometimes I forget that you used to write about me. I forget that you loved me with the same fire that burned inside of me. I let my pain make me forget. I let my pain replace the patience and forgiveness that we once had for one another and the pure belief that you meant what you did. But your words and actions said you knew it was a mistake, I just wouldn’t let myself hear it. Until it was too late. Until we became the strangers we promised we’d never be. I forget you used to write about me, maybe that’s why a piece of my heart will be forever intertwined with the words on your tongue.

I’m sorry. I am so sorry I let the darkness take over. I was the problem all along. I told you how much I fought loving you, it seems like it was all I knew to write for a while. But it seems like no matter how hard you tried I was never ready to stop fighting. For us. Against us. I think the fire burned too hot to ever find comfort in. But if I’m being honest the memory of what we called the future still lives in a house in the back of my mind. Sometimes I step inside and I can hear the laughter over the music. I can feel a warmth of happiness wash over me. It could’ve been real. But I always lock the door as I leave, keeping that happiness right where I found it. Because I’ll never be able to touch it again, not without thousands of pieces of glass shattering all around me. Not without hearts being ripped from chests. Not with any certainty that that happiness has a home outside of my mind.

If I could do it all again … I would’ve loved you sooner. And I would’ve stopped fighting against us. I would’ve given you what you needed without the fear living in my stomach. I would’ve slapped you that night. And then I would have kissed you. We would’ve been infinite.

Je t'aime à la lune et retour ours en peluche.Quand mes yeux ouverts dans la matinée tout ce qu'ils veulent, c'est de vous voir

“Timing is a hell of a thing. In the end, that’s what it all comes down to. The potency of an attraction or the purity of a connection mean very little if you’re on separate journeys. You and I were a perfect fit, we were, there was just too much distance between us to see it.”

- a love letter to whiskey

I could hear it in your voice the last time we spoke. You’ve always been able to see into the deep dark crevices of my mind and soul

I’ll always remember that look on your face. You saw me. You’ve always seen me. And I think that’s all that anyone wants.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz

We were once a collectors wine, now we’re a bottle for $4.99 on sale for half price.

“It’s you, and us,” I added, motioning between us. “It’s this thing that never was, but always is, that never will be and will never not be”

Make me hate you

“I went crazy when I was with you. I can’t let that happen again. Love is not supposed to do that. You made me go mad.”

— Effy Stonem

What a mess we made trying to prove we don't need each other.