Echo-story - Untitled

a Kat 🐈 rambles post

I apparently have a lot to say about Top Form, but in respect for the limited time I have, I'm here to say:

Jin's redemption is in giving Akin what he needed - even if it wasn't what I, as the audience, wanted.

Discussion of Top Form episode 6 and 7 under the cut. TW for discussion of SA.

I have a whole unwritten post in my head about The Nightmare Jin / Akin Heart Rending Fest at the end of episode 6, and how Jin, who has been a magical unicorn of giving Akin what he needs all along, failed Akin.

I have A LOT of feelings. I wanted groveling. I wanted to see Jin feeling all the shock and horror of understanding what he did. Of how he stomped on Akin in his moment of greatest vulnerability, of how broken and wounded Akin was in the garage, and how Jin - the one person Akin NEEDED to love him and hold him and comfort him - shattered what was left of Akin. I wanted epic level groveling and amends making. I wanted Jin to metaphorically rip his own heart out of his chest and lay it at Akin's feet. After the opening of episode 7 I wanted blood to run in the streets for that man. I was ready to go vengeance demon for Akin.

But what I wanted, is the exact opposite of what Akin needed.

Jin's biggest failure in the series was how he got so caught up in his own feelings in episode 6, that he couldn't SEE Akin and therefor wasn't able to give Akin what he needed. In episode 7, he could have repeated that mistake. I do think Jin was remorseful. I think he -WOULD- have groveled, and would have spent the rest of his life trying to make it up to Akin. I think he would have delivered Johnny's (metaphorical) head on a platter. I think he would have burned down the theater and his career and raged in defense of Akin. That man has shown us, and Akin, repeatedly that he is in it for the long haul.

There is a great irony in that as much as I wanted a bigger and better apology, I think that Jin apologizing in that way would have been another way to fail Akin. Because the big apology would have been about Jin's feelings, about making himself feel better. But I think his true was redemption is that he was able to step out of his own feelings, and once again see Akin and what Akin needed.

Jin apologized, but Akin didn't want it and couldn't tolerate it. Akin didn't need Johnny's head. Akin didn't need Jin to set the world on fire in anger and vengeance. Akin didn't need an apology. It causes me great pain that despite all MY anger and rage, that Akin wasn't angry. Akin didn't blame Jin. Akin wasn't mad. Akin was heartbroken. Akin blamed himself. Akin was full of shame.

Jin gave Akin everything he needed. Jin gave Akin his body back- by giving him the knowledge that he had not been violated in the way he feared most.* Jin gave Akin his innocence back- by giving him the knowledge that he hadn't done anything wrong. Jin gave Akin his heart back - by giving him the knowledge that he was loved and cherished.

It takes Kant less than five seconds, between a groggy Bison pushing him back down onto the bed and his skull nearly smacking against the headboard, for him to realize that he’s well and truly fucked. In a horrifying instant, all of his bravado, what little there was, is gone, leaving nothing behind but the hollow cavern in his chest where terror can take root. --- Or, a different take on the Kant/Bison scene from the end of episode three, sans the drugging, featuring: introspection, more angst than you can imagine, a sprinkle of trauma and (mostly) responsible, caring Bison.

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A fic for this lovely fandom! Please, come indulge my traumatized Kant brain worms :)

Akin and his Disorganized Attachment Style with Jin

(No spoilers from ep9)

If you don't know what a disorganized attachment style is, it is one of the four attachment styles (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized), often stems from childhood experiences resulting in inconsistent and unpredictable behaviours in relationships.

People with this style of attachment often find it difficult to trust people, have mixed feelings, and have negative views of others and themselves. They seek closeness and then withdraw to avoid getting hurt.

Akin, the most huggable (or sexiest) man and the winner of so many Best Actor awards comes across as cold and detached at first. But then we see how caring and considerate he is of the people around him (arranges food for the whole crew, helps a newbie with his acting, and even deals kindly with his stalker). He is emotional (the hundred times he cried) and most importantly he is a perfectionist. Even though that helps him in his acting career, he tends to bring the same in his relationship with Jin which worsens their already existing issues. Perfectionists need a certain amount of control over whatever they do and when they cannot have that, they either procrastinate the task or abandon it completely.

Akin suggests breakups whenever he feels like he's at fault because he fails to control the situation.

-> He starts freezing Jin out when he doesn't win the Sexiest Man award and feels even worse about feeling the loss. The breakdown that day was not from jealousy. No- when he couldn't maintain the perfect Actor/Celebrity status he’s expected and worked to be, he broke down. To stop projecting that bitterness onto Jin he acts cold.

-> He wants to break up when Johnny happens and he believes he was at fault. He lost control and there's nothing he can do/be to Jin to make it any better or perfect as before. During ep7 when Jin confesses his love, Akin’s instant response is, “That's why want to break up with you “. Meaning- ‘I did something wrong, I can't be perfect for you so let's end this’.

But he doesn't bring breakup during the whole stalker headache. He knows he's not completely at fault (he says the same thing in ep8) and knows there’s something they could do to control the issue.

-> He wants to break up again (not spoiling for those who didn't watch ep9, but you're going to see a lot of Akin’s need for control there). He's losing control, he cannot ensure the perfect love life for Jin if things continue this way.

But what does Jin want?

Jin only wants Akin. He wants to be there, good or bad. He doesn't care for awards or titles. He’d praise his boyfriend openly, even when he's the winner, consequences and ego be damned, and wants to share every happiness with him.

-> He throws himself out of the car immediately when Akin storms out in distress in ep5. He doesn't hesitate a second to run behind his man, lets Akin cry and gather his thoughts by himself and then kisses him to apologize for not understanding him.

-> Even though he leaves Akin alone in the parking lot after the Johnny thing, he goes to watch Akin’s play, when he himself said he wouldn't chase Akin anymore. He's not ready to abandon their relationship and goes to investigate the truth of it. Again there's no hesitancy in Jin to apologize for leaving Akin alone and not be with him that day.

Now Jin is not perfect, none of us are, but he is perfect for Akin’s disorganized attachment style.

Often people with this type of attachment are the first to initiate breakup as a means to control the situation. But do they really want a breakup in the first place? No. Underneath all the pain, and fear of abandonment they need someone to fight for them and be with them even when they are not perfect.

(None of the GIFs and images are mine. All credit to the creators)

Two things I've been thinking about with regard to Fangs of Fortune (it's so rare for me not to move on immediately from a drama; usually no matter how much I like it, the moment it's done so am I.)

(1) The bells in Jiu and ZYC's hair. The way this is a theme that runs throughout the entire narrative to culminate in them being clutched in Jiu's hand as he saves the world. But also - Jiu wore those bells because he was afraid he'd never be found - that hide and seek metaphor. And yet when he was lost in his own body due LL taking over (and significantly it's shown through his being locked in his hiding place, unable to come out), the team keeps searching and willing to die (YL does die!) for him to be found and to be brought back. And then at the end, the bell he wore in his hair in hope of being found is in ZYC's hair forever and ever - Jiu removed the tongue of the bell as part of his belief he does not need to be searched for (his last wish was don't grieve me) but by putting it into his hair to always accompany him during all the years of his now close to immortal life, ZYC has transformed the message - the bell does not need the tongue any more because Jiu does not need to be looked for any more, sure. But the reason he does not need to be looked for any more is because he's always there now, always with the man he looked up to the most and found safety in. He is now always found.

(2) I am still in that moment in the epilogue where ZYZ's soul flies to ZYC's hands. I've talked a lot about that already but I can't stop. I love that the hopeful ending with its promise of future happiness and reunion is possible because ZYC took a look at the final, most awful iteration of the trolley problem (I can't remember who in the tag labeled a lot of their quests this way but you are 100% right!) and broke the constraints of the rules. Because finally in his long long life, ZYZ found someone as powerful and capable and good as he is, but also someone just a tad more persistent. Because ZYC is immovable in his quest to save those near to him to the best of his considerable ability and if he needs to bend the rules of reality and the drive of destiny, so be it. He will sacrifice himself without hesitation but those he loves are different.

Because ZYZ's salvation is an act of love - of ZYC's refusal to have ZYZ do the ultimate sacrifice of walking onto that sword. Thus actually making sure ZYZ is not a liar - he said he won't seek death and by taking the burden of killing him instead of making him kill himself - ZYC makes that statement ZYZ said true. (In a different religious tradition where suicide is a sin that sends you to hell but murder can perhaps be forgiven if sufficiently repented for, one could talk about how this action literally saves ZYZ's soul for heaven at the possible cost of ZYC. Yes, I realize medieval Catholic doctrine is inapplicable to this drama, but I like the different notions of salvation and sacrifice among cultures and how they can reflect different understandings and view of humanity and moral duty.)

It's very much because of censorship (which I of course loathe) that the nature of ZYZ x ZYC relationship has all these lacunae and unspoken spaces. Yes, we know they are soulmates/mirrors but there is room to interpret their relationship as - romantic, platonic, part of a throuple, something else. And I so genuinely admire the narrative for making a virtue of the censorship necessity and transforming the constraint into the message of lack of labels on love, into discussion on all forms of love - romantic, familial, friend, etc - being crucial and not waving the flag of sexual-romantic love supremacy. There is something so beautiful in the narrative going "they are each other's most important person and their love and devotion can literally bring back from the dead and save the world. And does the nature of that love even matter? What matters is the strength of it." Taking unfair, stupid restrictions and turning them into art is something else indeed.

Rudimentary Fangs of Fortune romantic/sexual relationship chart based on the first seven episodes.

Babe wake up babe Ji Chang-wook is playing a dog-coded character again this time he is a farm livestock guardian dog in a metropolitan full of coyotes

The Beginning (?) of My Prom/Nont Fic… 👀

Lemme know what y’all thank about my mini ramblings 💪

Ok y’all…

I’ve been blessed by the AO3 gods an decided to come out of my hibernation to write about this…situation… 👀

I’d love to hear y’all’s thoughts about Sand and Boeing’s backstory.

Honestly, I just feel bad for Sand in this situation, cause, yes, he could’ve set clear boundaries, but we’ve already established that he’s too nice and forgiving. And, to me, he honestly seemed pretty uncomfortable whenever he interacted with Boeing…

Ok y’all… I have some thoughts…

People on Twitter getting mad at Sand 🤨

Why exactly is he expected to have his feelings sorted out from the get go, when we had to deal with like half of the whole series with Ray trying to sort out his feelings for Mew?

I think some people forget that others are allowed to have complicated feelings, especially when it was someone they used to deeply care for. It’s seems to me that people are just irritated that Boeing is getting in the way of their insanely idealized vision of SandRay…

Anyway…