Experiment-48 - Failed Experiment

If it’s not at 12000cps of radiation, I’m not eating it. I know people are gonna get mad, but I’m a picky eater and you just have to accept that.

Harley Cowan

from the cherenkov radiation wikipedia page

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RT-64 radio telescope - Kalyazin, Russia

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i got a really bad migraine while we were out at work and i knowwww the science team was really upset with me. i shouldn't be in an area that is so population dense :(

my head hurt so so bad and the humans kept getting so close.. i just wanted to run and hide :(

i hope the scientists aren't too mad at me...i tried my best to not let the humans linger around me too much.

i know im dangerous and i didn't wanna be there but..i can't control when im at the controls unfortunately...

plus...if im honest, i do not like this human body... walking on two legs? feels so weird. im glad im home and can be on 4 legs and relax and not have my tail be stuck in our pants all day haha :3

i think that when the scientists released me, they put a radio collar on me. idk how it would track me cause im sure the fact that i am highly radioactive would cause issues with any sort of tracking mechanisms. but maybe the radio calls and such i hear in my head from the scientists is that radio collar.

i just remember wearing something that had a blinking light on the end of a short antenna.

i can hear the scientists making observations about me still...even though in this body, i do not wear the collar physically.

maybe they somehow modified it to transmit messages through my brain as well? so that they can communicate with me even if the collar is gone?

its too soon to try and wear collars again even if i feel i should be wearing one. even if it was myself putting the collar on me, it feels too connected to all the trauma.

im not a pet, i don't need a collar. i have too much..pain associated with being made to feel like a dog. i dont wanna trigger that stuff to the surface even if i think having a collar would be affirming in some ways.

im sad that there is so much grief and pain connected to my dog side. i want to embrace it. i want to love being a dog as much as i am a wolf. but right now is not the time and i do not have the mental strength to process that trauma.

sorry for rambling about this constantly. trying to process my thoughts and writing it down helps me process things. talking it out and such.