Beginning To Really Understand The Importance Of Change, Transition, And Impermanence, Funnily Enough
Beginning to really understand the importance of change, transition, and impermanence, funnily enough not embodied in this character, but in the insect he is modeled after.
I had spent a lot of time trying to be everything at once, telling myself that it felt like authenticity, almost compulsively providing information for others to gain as clear a picture as possible of who I am. Upset to even cut my hair - the person seeing it yesterday and the one seeing it tomorrow now have two different images to contend with, and I am left to ask which is the real one.
The real issue began to arise when I realized that I wasn't driving consistency with my names. Legal, primary, and this secondary name I have here. I've used my primary for most places, but have introduced myself to strangers under the secondary. When my doctors call me by my primary name (an accomplishment in and of itself), I did not feel the need to correct them. I realized I may not want Shai as the name on my tag for my new job. I would have considered it if I had gotten work at the library I had applied to (putting that name on the application itself). Usage seeming to differ based on feelings I couldn't quite name.
It feels to me that I'm experiencing a fairly normal case for identity. A person is not the same at work as with friends as with family; I had tried to make all these one and the same. Even my primary on a tag would feel like a victory, but I'm not quite sure if I would even feel comfortable with my secondary.
After a violent division of identity, having been closeted and ill in an increasingly radical and abusive household, I feel I wasn't entirely sure how to reconcile with my newfound freedom and hindsight, and attempted to make every aspect of myself be the most prominent thing about myself. Each name blurred together, individual meaning erased under collectivity. It just isn't something possible. Not for most people, perhaps even for anyone. I'm contending with identity in a way that is standard for most people, but in a way I've never encountered before. My divisions were violent and laced with fear, of being outed as trans, as queer, as mentally ill, as autistic, as physically and chronically ill. Of being anything less than the expectation imposed upon me.
Removing those expectations made me feel lost, left to my own devices to determine who I truly was, and in blending and merging every concept of identity I had, I thought I had found a way to find myself. I still am, and this process has only been in place for a year, a year and a half, of course it wouldn't be finished. But I am discovering more about how my mind works and how I feel about it.
I am still thoroughly convinced this is a normal experience, one of many I'd never had a chance to encounter for myself due to my long abuse history. I would need to talk it out professionally, but I feel confident regarding my assessment, and can see where I would like to take it from here.
More Posts from Introspective-in-somnia and Others
Forming a relationship with myself, through someone else
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Hello all. You may call me Shai; I am 25, transmasc, and aromantic and asexual.
While this blog was initially dedicated to my experience as fictionkin, and still is at the very core, this blog is a space for discussions of general spirituality and self care, as well as occasional insect imagery. I may feature my own art as well. Some other information that may be useful:
✨️ My experience of kin is tied with my experience of my kintype as a dissociative fragment. While it isn't something that I discuss frequently as my mental health has improved immensely and he is quiet for the most part as a result, he does still surface time and time again, and I would like a space to openly discuss it.
✨️ Two fictives use this blog - Sha.ia.pouf from Hun.ter x H.unter and someone preferring to remained unidentified for now.
✨️ Chronically ill - I have Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and have, interestingly enough, used it to connect with my kintype. This condition is genetic and affects me daily and will be a topic of discussion for here as well.
✨️ This is a sideblog - my main blog you will see interactions from is @/au.tistic-sha.iapouf
In spite of the long gaps of silence that may occur here, I am online quite frequently and am always open to discussion or conversation; in spite of the formality, I swear I'm friendly 💖
General tags:
🌟 -> Host speaking
Tags used here by Pouf:
🦋 Musings 🦋 -> Talk tag
🔮 -> Directly related to spirituality
👑 -> Interior architecture for royal buildings
❤️ -> Lovecore imagery
🐜 -> Insect imagery
💭 -> Posts that strike a certain chord with my past, current and distant
Tags used by [XXX]:
⚙️.txt -> Talk tag
Stroke of the pen -> Poetry and philosophy
[Seeking artwork tag]
Something I'm thinking about that I feel is greatly appealing to me most is the idea of "one soul, multiple iterations". Cut from the same cloth and passed forward.
Yes, actually, that does feel like the best description of my alterhumanity experiences, not of one soul through two lifetimes, but two souls in one lifetime
How to describe the indescribable? Pale like moonlight, melancholy and desire perfectly intertwined; no one to tell that I'm here.
30 Day Fictionkind Challenge
Day 1: What is your fictotype? Are you a specific character, a nonhuman species, or both?
My kintype is Sh.aiapouf from the anime/manga series H.unter x Hu.nter.
While the typing I have is in regard to the character, I would be inclined to say nonhuman species as well - as much as I identify with the character, I identify with his insectoid traits as well.
Oh this is my blog! I can put insects here!
reblog this post if ur alterhuman (stuff like otherkin/hearted, therian, fictionkin, etc) i want more alterhuman stuff recommended to me
Feeling almost silly to feel somewhat affirmed by it, but had someone say how nice my outfit was today, with my black pants and white sweater; had someone else comment on the way I move, they said I looked almost as though I were dancing or flying.
Silly in a sense, but we work so well together, don't we? Synchronized in the most pleasant fashion. Seems I will indeed carry you with me, no matter the place or time. And I simply could not be more honored.
