Fucking Hate It When The Stuff Everybody Says "actually Works" Does Actually Work.

I am happy and lazy most days. Less sad days but when day come , they are here to stay longer. Recently I have been wondering if my sad days are meant to last

I want my boyfriend to feel my love. I want him to know that. But right now I am extremely angry with him.

Everyonce often I find myself in the game of comparison. The game is mostly self perceived and hence I'm always the looser. Lately I've been feeling like I am running out of time, I am not enough and I would never be enough. Doing anything else is just wasting my time, and I even sit and wonder what do I do then? Where do I start ?

Productivity Day 1/90

11 Jan 2024

Mood: Anxious 😰

Slept in today. Started the python course on replit.

I had a fight with my boyfriend day before . It was something that I did and I cannot forget about it. Although we have mended it but I am still embarrassed about everything.

sometimes u just gotta stand in the shower

and leave this dimension

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

Study set up for today