I Have This Arbitrary Line I Need To Cross Before I Can Congratulate Myself And Come Out As Trans To

I have this arbitrary line I need to cross before I can congratulate myself and come out as trans to my friends and family. I just need to think im pretty for longer than a fleeting second. I need to live a day feeling pretty and go to sleep feeling pretty and wake up again to feel pretty again. And then maybe I'll be able to say "I'm ready".

But what if that agency is taken from me? What if I am pushed before I'm comfortable. What if my breasts grow too large to keep hidden. Or my parents ask me about my girlish tendencies before I even begin to think about how to discuss it with them?

I dont know what to do then. I'll bumble through it and need to live uncomfortably until I hit that arbitrary milestone that dictates when I can be myself, unapologetically, anywhere and everywhere.

It hurts being called a son. A boyfriend. A nephew. A grandson. Referred to as a "Lord" at a renfaire instead of a Lady. It makes my heart sink and my gut wretch. Whatever positive energy I have flushes away.

But I can't bear the discomfort of living my truth in a way that makes myself cringe, because if I cringe others will too. It's silly. So many braver souls do it, and with such confidence that I am jealous and dream fantasies where I live their lives.

It's fine. I'll manage. Someday I'll meet my arbitrary milestone. One day my mother will have a daughter.

More Posts from Post-maester and Others

2 years ago

A god of fire and void, meteor king of conquest, plumiting downwards to its next victim (bonus points if its a blue like a commet)

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Deity: Mnyull, the Revelation Tyrant

Fasinating stuff my friend, my latest translation of old imperial accounts reveal a previously unknown confession from the rogue general Paldermot. As you well know, current historical narratives have the general sacking the capital city in a failed attempt to seize power from the Tribunes, but if this text is to be believed the Tribunes captured Paldermot and dispersed his rebel legion before he ever entered the city. It goes on to say, in a transcription of Paldermot's own words that he had "Followed a star" to the "seat of a new imperium", and claimed that the star had promised great allies to aid him in his conquest. The text is unquestionably authentic , but it throws our entire understanding of events into question; If Paldermot was captured in the midst of his rebellion, who or what destroyed the capital and turned the surrounding countryside into a crater?

Setup: Hurdling across the void of the astral sea, the meteoric god Mnyull brings ruin wherever he goes, the embodiment of unrelenting invasion at the hands of an inexorable foe. Unlike other gods which present themselves in abstract forms felt across the multiverse Mnyull prefers to exist as an incarnated singular being, a towering construct built around the mummified yet undying body of his current mortal avatar.

This living reliquary leads an army of crusading zealots scattered throughout the multiverse known as the starry horde, followers and adherents of its former vessels who believe that by serving the Revelation Tyrant, they continue the legacy of their particular heaven-chosen liege. It is important to note then that Mnyull and his followers do not adhere to any one ideology as they hold the act of conquest itself sacred, whatever form that conquest takes. Like a shooting star the tyrant god is constantly on the move, dragging his followers into one conflict after another before retiring to a palatial demiplane of rock and ice for decades or centuries at a time to rule those realms where his cult has taken hold.

It is for this reason that some theologians have considered classifying Mnyull as an outergod, those divine beings considered actively hostile to the stability of realities they interact with. Debate rages in those lofty circles however as the hostility the Revelation Tyrant represents usually takes the form of “ Invade them with an alien army before or after hitting their world with a big rock or series of big rocks”.  While the scholar dither, Mnyull bides his time, growing ever closer to some innocent world that has no idea of the disaster that is about to strike it.

Hooks:

The Party’s homeland is struck by the invasion force of a kingdom that fell to Mnyull’s influence generations ago. While more traditional warfare occupies the early adventures of the campaign, they begin to uncover hints of lore about their enemy’s newly arisen (and apparently immortal) theocratic leader along with the strange monument she’s building. Just as it seems they might have an upper hand against the invaders, their enemies deploy new and terrifying weapons and otherworldy allies, sourced from the portal they’ve just finished building.

Sometimes Mnyull decides to feed his urge for conquest by invading a random plane, riding a chunk of astral rock through its firmament and establishing a kingdom wherever he lands. The Revelation Tyrant is not a creature of foresight however, and on his most recent outing ended up impacting into one of that plane’s moons. Refusing to give up he’s carved out a realm among the strange creatures that live among the palid rocks of that blasted planetoid, and now sets his sites upon the verdant world below.

While enjoying a trip to the local archives and observatory, the party are interrupted by agents of the starry horde, looking to plunder the vaults looking for information regarding great weapons created to break worlds known only as “The Anvils”. Predating even the Revelation Tyrant’s earliest memory, Mnyull once used his divine will to steer these ancient tools towards ever more destructive ends, until a coalition of forgotten heroes toppled him from his throne for fear he would turn the weapons upon them. 

Background: None can say where Mnyull first emerged, but planear scholars have charted the tyrant god’s course across world after world and have noticed a self perpetuating cycle:  Some would be warlord sees a silvery star or comet and it awakens in them a desire for conquest, though more often than not they would have began life as someone who already exerted authority over others. Strange powers and allies allow these conquerors to amass a fanatical following and become a true threat to the powers of that age, leading to a climatic confrontation where they are either killed, or rise to claim a throne and immortality. A harsh and “glorious” reign begins, and the ruler demands the construction of great monuments which will serve as portals in Mnyull’s next conquest. Should the Revelation Tyrant lack a body at the moment, one of these ascendant rulers becomes his next vessel, feverishly instructing their underlings how thier body is to be mutilated and interred in preparation for their apotheosis. When the reliquary is built around them, Mnyull’s silver-blue light strikes them full force, their soul igniting to serve as the perpetual fuel for the tyrant god’s engine.

Titles: The Tyrant’s Star, All-conquering Meteor King, Khan of the Starry Horde, Imperitor-Celestium.  Along with any other titles inherited from his innumerable vessels.

Signs: A silver-blue comet or star blazing in the sky, Meteor Showers that produce snowfall without clouds, Ecstatic Visions of victory and conquest, weaponry shining silver 

Symbols: The arc of a Comet above a Crown, Chariot, or Other sign of Lordship.

Followers:  Warmongers of all kinds, be they authoritarians or Rebels. Mnyull has also accumulated followers across the astral sea, so numerous entities which range the cosmos looking for battle are drawn into his service voluntarily or by indoctrination.

Art

1 year ago
🪽😈Good Traits To Bad

🪽😈Good Traits to bad

Our perfect imperfections make us imperfect perfections.

Nice <> passive/unassertive

Strong-willed <> stubborn

Sensitive <> easily upset

Honest/communicative/trustworthy <> insensitive/brutal

Loyal/devoted/faithful <> tolerates bad behaviour from others

Perfectionism <> Never beign satisifed

Generosity <> Being taken advantage of

Being dependable <> People always depending on them

Protectivenss <> Overprotective, obsessive

Cautiousness <> Never risking anything

Ambitiousness <> Coming off as ruthless

Tidiness <> Obsessive and compulsive

Assertiveness <> Coming off as bossy

Pride <> Not accepting help

Being realistic <> Being seen as pessimistic

Innocence <> Being seen as naive

Optimism <> Not realistic

Diligent <> not able to bend rules

If you like my blog, buy me a coffee☕ and find me on instagram! 📸

🖱️References

https://townsvillepsychologist.com.au/personality-traits-can-be-positive-and-negative/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/9359111719786856/

1 year ago
Devourer with backback vent, front.
Devourer with backback vent, front and side.
Devourer with backback vent, side.

Noise Marines - Plan C

I did what I didn't want to do. A valiant servant of the chaos gods sacrificed a critical part of his armour kit to give me something that looks a bit like a speaker for the muzzle of the sonic blaster.

Chaos space marine, with backpack and added skulls.

I don't think he minds.

Devourer with backback vent, Orc skull and Tyranid skull, front.
Devourer with backback vent, Orc skull and Tyranid skull, side.

The end result looks just like I hoped. The skull and jaw placement will need some finesse to ensure the grille's not hidden, but I'm surprisingly happy. Also meant some pinning to line it up properly and I'm a sucker for pinning, just a tad more than I'm a sucker for magnets.

6 months ago
Loyalist World Eater

Loyalist World Eater

by Konstantin Void

1 month ago
My Rendition Of Raven/621 And Their Ayre. Mech Raziel To Build From His Colors.
My Rendition Of Raven/621 And Their Ayre. Mech Raziel To Build From His Colors.
My Rendition Of Raven/621 And Their Ayre. Mech Raziel To Build From His Colors.
My Rendition Of Raven/621 And Their Ayre. Mech Raziel To Build From His Colors.

My rendition of Raven/621 and their Ayre. Mech Raziel to build from his colors.

(I love Cybergoths and Blame! So that was my inspo here hehe. Just a bit of this and that.)

2 years ago
image

Planes of Chaos, Book of Chaos pg. 41 

image

Planes of Chaos, Book of Chaos pg. 42

Bruh.

4 years ago
Tried My Hand At Essek Specially After It Seems He’s Trying To Make Amends With The Mighty Nine. Absolutely

Tried my hand at Essek specially after it seems he’s trying to make amends with the mighty nine. Absolutely one of my favorite characters this campaign can’t wait to see what happens next. Also swear that he had curly hair at some point if he didn’t o well lmk and I’ll fix it.

6 months ago

trans girls open this

aww you're a good girl huh? a cute little puppy girl? yes you are! and don't let anyone tell you you're not! look at you doin your best!

you wanna bark? cmon you know you do. bark. do it now. bark for me

that's a good girl. ok listen.

you're doin great. im proud of you. you have a fierce ass bark and you're gonna make the world your bitch.

even if you don't think you're cute. you are. you're allowed to be wrong sometimes. dogs make mistakes from time to time. you're cute

get a drink. unclench your shoulders. eat something (even if it's not the healthiest thing ever)

you're loved. who wouldn't love a cute little puppy like you?

6 months ago

I've been thinking more recently about wishing I had a big sister, or a motherly person to guide me through all this trans girl stuff. Someone I legitimately trust and who cares about my development as a girl, but can also teach me about this stuff and mentor me in it. I don't know. It's not really something I can search for. Just gotta wait until someone finds me.


Tags
6 months ago

A Queer Native Feminist Reading List

Readings

Decolonization is not a metaphor (Eve Tuck & K. Wayne Yang)

Everyday decolonization: Living a decolonizing queer politics (Sarah Hunt & Cindy Holmes)

Refusal to forgive: Indigenous women’s love and rage (Rachel Flowers) 

A Glossary of Haunting: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 (Eve Tuck, C. Ree, Angie Morrill, Kathryn Recollet, and the Super Futures Haunt Collective)

The end of (the capitalist white supremacist heteropatriarchal hate-full order of) the world, a survival guide (Zoe Todd)

Land as pedagogy: Nishnaabeg intelligence and rebellious transformation (Leanne Betasamosake Simpson)  

Can the Other of Native Studies speak? (Billy-Ray Belcourt)

These are stories of resilience. Or, emblems of resistance. (Naomi Sayers)  

Not Nowhere: Collaborating on Selfsame Land (Eve Tuck, Allison Guess, Hannah Sultan)

Of Dogma and Ceremony (Tara Williamson)

Ahkii: A Woman is a Sovereign Land (Gwen Benaway)

Video & audio

Embodying Self-Determination: resisting violence beyond the gender binary (Sarah Hunt)

Indigenous Feminist Resurgence, Love and Resistance in Indigenous Women’s Contemporary Storytelling (Dory Nason)

Making Love and Relations Beyond Settler Sexuality (Kim Tallbear)

Coming In: Indigenous Resurgence, Body Sovereignty and Gender Self-Determination (Alex Wilson)

Our Bodies and Lands are Not Your Property (Erica Violet Lee)

Leanne Betasamosake Simpson’s 2016 NWSA keynote address

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post-maester - Ashmom🏳️‍⚧️
Ashmom🏳️‍⚧️

She/Her - 21 - documenting my transition & reblogging nerd shit

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