I Know We're All Sick Of Self-care Being A Marketing Tactic Now, But I Don't Think A Lot Of Us Have Any

Archfey

The Feywild landscape creates a fantastical mirror image of the material plane, echoing its features and magnifying its wonders. The archfey who keep their kingdoms in the Plane of Faerie are likewise echoes of inhabitants of the material plane: jealous rulers, vicious peasants, greedy merchants. They are archetypes made manifest, sometimes even verging on parodies of the folk they represent. These archfey delight in mischief and revelry, but their sense of what is humorous and what is clever does not correspond to that of a mortal. The archfey described below take their entertainment from stealing children, controlling their subjects, and trapping hapless mortals in labyrinths as much as they enjoy riddles, mimicry, and flattery.

The Fallow-Fallen

The Fallow-Fallen embodies the anger of a downtrodden serf. The Fallow-Fallen seeks to feel powerful, so they exert their will over whatever unfortunate beings pass through their demesne. The Fallow-Fallen loves violence and gore more than most of their kin among the archfey, with a special taste for those who look down on others. They command a pack of faerie hounds to chase down trespassers, but a respectful guest may be rewarded with a harvest bounty or a fey steed faster than any mortal horse.

The Thistlewise

The Thistlewise echoes the territorial nature of a solitary druid. The Thistlewise wants nothing more than to be left alone, but they have great knowledge and gifts beyond the ken of most mortals, making them a desirable endpoint of a Feywild pilgrimage. The Thistlewise tangles the mind, misleading and misdirecting creatures who dare disturb them. Their realm is overrun with tangling vines and thorny brambles that form a twisting labyrinth with neither entrance nor exit; escape is virtually impossible without a magical aid. The Thistlewise sees mortals like insects, but from time to time, a rare species might catch their eye and their aid.

The Marioneer

The Marioneer mirrors a grasping chancellor, constantly scheming for control and approval while in service to the whims of a good-natured satyr king. They command a court of puppets, strung up and charmed by them to both entertain their satyr liege and serve the Marioneer’s own desires. The Marioneer cannot keep constant control, but in their immediate presence, fey and mortals alike struggle to retain their sense of self. The Marioneer requires nothing less than absolute deference, but visitors may still garner their favor–as long as they recognize the true power behind the throne.

The Kegling

The Kegling maintains an unusual feature of the Feywild landscape: the ubiquitous tavern. A bawdy and cheerful brawler, the Kegling loves to engage in a physical challenge with their patrons only to turn about and offer a drunken riddle-contest. The Kegling is a masterful host who stands on barroom ceremony, but is over-indulgent. Less overtly sinister than most other archfey, once you’ve met the Kegling they seem ever-present, their tavern appearing on the roadside or in the midst of the Seelie Court. As lord over common knowledge and common sense, information given to the Kegling will be spread around or held in reserve for later blackmail.

The Paper King

The Paper King is no king at all, but the manifest ego of a powerful mage. They are a hoarder of knowledge and memory, particularly the memories of those who visited the Feywild and lost their recollection of those times. The Paper King’s true prize is a vast repository of spells, transcribed from lost spellbooks and tomes that found their way to the Feywild. In fact, any book lost or misplaced eventually finds its way here, to the towering retreat of the Paper King. The Paper King might allow a courageous mortal to peruse the collection, but only at the cost of a few memories of their own.

The Hungerhanded

Born of the greed of the owner of a trading company, the Hungerhanded seeks nothing more than to obtain. The Hungerhanded gives nothing without receiving more in return. They see all mortal passersby as beneath them, simply delivery carts of precious treasures who are unaware of their true purpose. The Hungerhanded will happily provide protection for their little treasure-deliverers, as well as any reward that costs them nothing. The Hungerhanded’s negotiation skills are unparalleled, and they always know when they have the upper hand.

The Autarch

The Autarch is the Feywild’s adaption of a motivational speaker, one whose words are unsettlingly persuasive. The Autarch rules a dominion of followers who each believe they are acting in their own self-interest, self-governing in ways that always seem to benefit the Autarch. Self-deceit is the name of the Autarch’s game; even they themself are convinced that everyone within their domain is acting according to their own nature. Their way, it seems, is simply the best way. Why else would so many people choose to follow this philosophy of self-rule? The people of the Autarch’s realm often speak in the Autarch’s voice, repeating the archfey’s philosophy unthinkingly. The Autarch claims to want nothing but a few moments of a creature’s time; they know that is all they need to win hearts and minds.

The Askew

The Askew exaggerates the features of a traveling minstrel. A performer and pantomimer, they are one of those rare Archfey who make their way to the material plane more often than most. They enjoy the attention, of course, but they also enjoy luring children from their homes and bringing them to the Feywild to serve in their own court for years. Sometimes even decades pass before they are permitted to rejoin their kind, but when they return, they have been made feral by their time in the Askew’s service. The Askew loves nothing, hates nothing, and fears nothing. It wants only companionship and joy, and a mortal who can offer either–even for a brief time–could please it enough to receive a rare boon. A creature who dares disturb its reverie, however, invites a curse upon their head.

How do you think the different primarchs flirt?

How does the different primarchs flirt:

Lion - The lion is the most asexual person to have ever existed and has never been attracted to anyone, but he has thought a lot about it. He secretly wishes he could find that special lord or lady that he can court and spoil and be chivalrous to. 

? - Insert the worst kink you could possibly imagine.

Fulgrim - Touch. He will take every opportunity to be close to the person he’s into. And that is in sharp contrast to him since he won't tolerate being touched otherwise.

Perturabo - Gifts. Handmade things that are specifically tailored to what he thinks you like. Will never ask what you actually like.

Jagathai - He will let you ride his motorcycle. 

Leman - Food and drink. He will constantly make sure you are fed and warm, and happy. 

Rogal - Nothing. He won't make the first move. If you like him, he will wait for you to tell him that. When in a relationship, his love language is acts of service.

Konrad -  Art. He will make you an installation of crucified but still living rodents.

Sanguinius - Over-the-top romantic gestures, especially in public. 

Ferrus - Big himbo energy. Will flex his muscles and pretend to be dumb.

? - Super vanilla and romantic.

Angron - Will find anyone who likes him to be weird and thinks something is wrong with them and immediately block them on all socials. 

Roboute - Time. He is the busiest man in the galaxy and usually delegates meetings and messages to be handled by someone else. But he will always make time for you, to see you, or send/answer a message no matter how busy he actually is.

Mortarion - Flowers.

Magnus - Love spells.

Horus - “Want to fuck?” And somehow, he still has enough charisma to make that line sound classy and irresistible.

Lorgar -

Vulkan -

Corvus - 

Alpharius/Omegon - Lovebomb, then ghost. Somehow works every time. I'm a bit stumped about 17-19 since I know so very little about them. I have been asking people for advice and have gotten some great answers. But they really aren't my take, so it feels wrong to add them here. So please feel free to disagree/add/make your own takes to this list :D

Any ideas for a dungeon for an all wizard party? Looking for inspiration for a fun one-shot in between campaigns

Oneshot: Latenight Brainstorming

It’s time to hit the books! 

Setup: The party are a group of incorrigible youths attending a magic school (no not that one, another one), who are facing down a big test that may or may not decide whether they’ll be forced to repeat a year.  Sadly for the party, they’re not great at school, and their only hope not to be forced to endure the humiliation of being held back is an all-night cram session before the big test. 

Cram session, as in “ cramming ourselves into a secret passage we found to the forbidden section of the library, then cramming as many high-magic tomes into our packs and hope that one of ‘em will have a spell we can use to cheat on this test.” 

Challenges & Complications: 

 Step 1: The Heist. Plan out with your party the way in which they’ll circumvent the various defenses of the library, from the insomniac upper classmen ALSO cramming for their exams, to the demonic librarian that patrols the stacks endlessly, looking to castigate any who put a book back where it doesn’t belong. The challenges should seem relatively easy to overcome, so encourage your players to think outside the box and use what their characters would know from their various classes. 

Step 2: The Secret Passage. Getting to the Forbidden section of the library is easier said that done, and requires going through a winding series of cramped and forgotten hallways crawling with spiders, alchemically mutated rats, and all manner of other minor threats. 

Step 3: The screwup. Things are progressing well trough the heist, with the party having gotten to the forbidden stacks and managed to toss a few promising looking spellbooks into their “study pile”. Then things start to go wrong: the party stumbles across one of their classmates ( the one who may or may not be the chosen one) and her do-gooder friends, Who’ve ALSO decided they need a few books from the library ( likely for worldsaving nonsense) and protest at the party sniping their supply. A squabble between the two groups attracts the attention of a demonic librarian, and the party is forced to flee through the stacks and back through the passage. 

Step 4: Study The Maelstrom Tome. Among their purloined parchments, the party discovers a magnificent book that claims to be an invaluable treatise on weather magic. Knowing that one of their proffessors was stressing the utility of such spells, the party begin perusing the book without any acknowledgement that it’s started to rain outside. Messing around too much with the tome ends up releasing a powerful storm elemental, which threatens to blow their tower-dorm down if they don’t manage to seal it back in its book. The party will have to skirmish across rainslick rooves, possibly climbing spires or  hitching a ride on one of the castle gargoyles in order to reach their flying foe. 

Step 5: The test has been rescheduled due to inclement weather.  With most of the roof blown off of the grand hall and the carefully laid out tests nearly washed away by the rain that came sluicing in, the party have miraculously managed to obtain a reprieve from their encroaching deadline. 

Future Adventures

If you wanted to use this adventure as a springboard to a larger campaign, have the story pick up some years after the characters have graduated, having moved out of their awkward adolesence on to varying other carriers out in the wider world. Have it be a reunion for old time's sakes and work with each player to figure out the trajectory of their life in the interm period. Eqch of these characters has accued their own problems, but reunited, they might just be able to scheme their way out of trouble as they once did.

Art 1

Art 2

Someday I will speak wondrous tales

If you're a transgirl that's very open about her weird and embarrassing kinks you are genuinely so important!

It's not embarassing, bebe. Just be open abt it!

Cutter's Guide to Planar Locations

Cutter's Guide to Planar Locations I'm going to have some fun writing excerpts from a planar travel guide. Lots of them! #ttrpg #dnd #planescape #ExuberanceToshwidger

Greetings traveller, and welcome to this humble travel guide of the sights and sites of the Infinite Planes of Existence. Within this series of reference books I hope you’ll find accurate information that aids you in your journey should you choose to ‘hop a portal’ and hang with the ‘bashers, factols, and knights of the post’ found out in the Planes. First to introductions – this author’s name…

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Dorn Vs Perturabo

by Serdjek Sholohovshek

Artwork by Gina Iacob

The Chant of Sigil : the Modron renegate 3RN3ST-0 paints some anti-Mechanus propaganda on a wall

Loyalist World Eater

by Konstantin Void

Out of all the Seemings in Changeling the Lost, I think the Wizened have to be the funniest.

Like. Imagine you get kidnapped by fairies and forced to do the most menial, boring shit. You are spirited away to Fairy Land and the nobles force you to do stuff like unclog toilets and work customer service for one billion years. And contrary to everything you'd expect from a fantasy world it is boring as sin. A Sidhe noble getting snippy at you because you used the wrong kind of sparkleberries in their parfait was the most noteworthy thing to happen to you in the the past century.

And of course the tedium of it all just shrivels you up like a prune. By the time you finally escape, you're this ancient, wrinkly, little yoda-ass gremlin. Just the crustiest, dustiest barnacle on the face of the earth.

Eventually you manage to find other survivors. Other former humans who had their lives ruined by the Arcadian Slavemasters. Except they're all became beautiful elves and badass elemental golems and sexy animal-men. You find out that even among some of the unluckiest bastards to ever live you are especially unfortunate.

Everyone else was stuck doing things like exploring ever-shifting labyrinths, or fighting dragons, or serving as courtesans in the cut-throat courts of fairy kings. And while that kind of stuff is also awful at least it was whimsical and glamourous in a demented sort of way. At least it didn't suck all the vitality and color from their bodies. At least they all got to become something cool instead of some unremarkable Dobby knock-off. At least their torment was interesting instead of mind-numbingly boring.

Congrats. You survived Wonderland and are now a fairy tale character.

Your reward is Being Old.

I would be so fucking pissed.