"And What Is This?" The Priest Asked Sternly, Pointing At The Squalling Bundle. "I...thought The Vow

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this is the official amatonormativity hatepost.

i hate amatonormativity.

You ever just... Have that URGE to have a pen pal. Like, yes, having online friends is cool and fun and nice and all but I miss the long-form communication that comes with letters. I want someone I can write an elaborate letter to about all that has happened the last few months, only to recieve their letter a month later with all their little details of their past few months. I want the knowledge that somebody chose the paper, chose the pencil, chose the envelope, and put in all that effort just to tell me how they have been.

Loosely based off the brilliant AO3 fanfic “Too Wise to Woo Peaceably” by @feralbutfluffy

(Ack! I had FeralbutFluffy’s name backwards! Edited to fix)

Wine + Someone you’re totally crushing on + avoiding discorporation TWICE in one night= Sexy Results

@toowisetowoopeaceably

via @b.sharise

You guys just have to trust me on this one and click here okay?

I don’t know how else to explain it. If someone says something to me that initially hits as horribly transphobic, I’m going to be hurt. However, if, after I confront them about it, they go “Oh no! Jesus no, that’s nowhere near what I intended to say, I mean X” - well, I now feel a hell of a lot better. I like knowing people aren’t actually trying to hurt me.

So yeah - knowing someone’s intent can drastically alter the impact, especially if the impact was negative. It can literally fix a horrible case of miscommunication that could’ve resulted in a permanent rift in a friendship.

But I’ve been in communities where trying to have the second half of that conversation is “abuse” and “invalidating their pain”.

No! It’s actually a really fucking important part of communication! And to silence that second half of the interaction results in no one learning anything, no one healing, and everyone remaining hurt.

Person 1 remains offended, thinking their friend meant to say something transphobic. Person 2 remains hurt because now everyone thinks they’re transphobic.

The pain of being misinterpreted is not and should not be dismissed, and fuck anyone who tries to do so to me in the future.

Look, logically I know that telling the demons to go away will do nothing. Logically I know that I must give them attention and care, that I must model good behavior and kindness for them.

But MAN do I wish shooing them away worked because it is just so much easier and feels so much more successful to actively forget they exist.

Two rules for creating anything.

1) Make it weird.

2) Make it with love.

some good consent phrases

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed to not do the thing, of course, but I’m much more glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”

“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“You can always change your mind, okay? The moment you wanna (stop/go home/take a break/etc), PLEASE tell me and we’ll stop right away. I won’t make a fuss, I don’t wanna keep going if you don’t want to.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

“You don’t seem very interested in this. Should we skip it?”

(When someone doesn’t seem interested in something you were suggesting) “We can just (do something you both want to do) instead.” (don’t try to get them to do the thing again! let it go!)

Consent culture - it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met - remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and accepting refusals of consent is a healthier and safer person.