Traitor

Traitor

Reiner Braun x f!reader

Summary: All the times Reiner found a home in you that he will never be able to return to again.

Warnings: angst, fluff, aot spoilers if you haven’t watched season four pt. 1?? cursing, panic attacks, Reiner’s self-deprication and poor mental health, suicidal ideation - Reiner’s, implied reader death but is it true? Me thinks not. Also in good me fashion, I haven’t proofread this teehee.

A/N: Season four Reiner had me in a chokehold.

wc: 9k+

aot mlist

God I wish you thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.

He didn’t think devils were supposed to be beautiful. Not when, for the majority of his life at least, he had pictured them to be vile and cruel monsters, with grotesque faces that snarled down upon him and his people — cursing them to deal with the consequences of the evil-doers actions. Those, only an ocean away, were grimly cackling at what was left of the Eldian’s sheltered in Liberio; the demons were howling so loudly at how his people failed to run away, instead choosing to take responsibility, that the force of their laughter was what pushed the wind inland, towards Marley. That is what everyone said to him as a young boy, anyway, and he figured it must’ve been the truth.

However, within the few years he spent hiding in the devil's den, he found that those scary stories weren't exactly true. At least not in present terms. What he was taught — ever since the early days of his life where he questioned why he had to wear an armband and why he wasn’t allowed to leave the walls — about the devils on the island was a lie.

He didn’t understand how history and all those lessons could be so wrong. These devils, who he had lived beside and shared smiles with, weren’t the ones he had been forced to learn about. It was a bitter truth he was certain of.

And sure, maybe the way they acted was questionable. Perhaps their customs and ways of living were a little strange and primitive, but when he turned the pages of a dictionary to look upon what would fall under the definition of ‘savage’ and ‘evil’ never did he see their faces underneath the printed words.

Because according to all those lessons and stories that had been drilled into his mind since birth, devils were not supposed to be kind, or caring, or funny, or beautiful… but you were.

You were beautiful in how you made his heart sing, his cheeks glow, and his body float. You were beautiful in how you were strong, in how you were attentive, and in how you were determined. You were beautiful — inside and out. So no, Reiner did not think you to be a devil; how could you be when every fiber of your being resembled that of an angel instead?

And he missed you, his angel, with every long, bleak day that dragged by.

“Say, Reiner, when are we going to finally meet the girl in your sketchbook?” His mother asks from across the table, and Reiner feels as though he was young, naive and in training again — the wind completely knocked out of him as he lands flat on his ass.

His tongue feels heavy and dry, as if he had swallowed buckets of sand -- God knows he had done plenty of that for the past few months -- a sensation that was unpleasant and choked him of every word he had.

Although it doesn’t distract him from the fact that his family were all looking at him expectantly. Everyone always looked at him like that and he despised it; big brother Reiner, so reliable, dependable, and always knowing what to do.

Naturally, he wonders how they have seen his sketchbook, the one hidden in his room and under his pillow; the one he constantly drew in out of fear of forgetting what you looked like. Why did his family know of its existence and more importantly, why did they know that a poorly sketched angel danced within the pages?

It was unfair how they thought it was ok to breach his privacy… but, considering how fragile his mind has been lately, he can somewhat understand his mother’s spying.

“Since when did you have a girlfriend, Reiner?” Mushed broccoli and potatoes sputter across the table as Gabi yells out, “you work all the time, I thought you were too busy?”

Fuck, he is busy; run down and beyond worn out. There are days where his limbs refuse to move and all he craves is a few extra minutes of pretending to be somewhere, anywhere, else.

The war in the east only made his suffering worse, with each devastating blow his body received, and as much as he was glad he was out of the line of fire, he still didn’t feel safe and at home. Not a soul would ever hear him admit that though, he didn’t deserve a second of pity for what he had done. This was his repentance.

His uncle scolds Gabi and yet she does not ease on her stare. In fact, none of them do, their eyes eagerly awaiting a response, still so expectant of him -- he wishes he could still look at himself with that much hope.

Reiner clears his throat amidst the noise, “what?”

“Oh, honey, don’t play coy with us” — his mother smiles — “it’s perfectly ok for you to have a crush.”

His brows furrowed further, restraining against correcting her because it was so much more than a crush. A crush was childish, a miniscule moment of affection, a simple spark compared to the all-consuming fire that burned in his heart for you. It was so much more than a crush.

“No, I am just curious as to how you found it,” he instead chooses to say.

“Oh, I was cleaning whilst you were away and it fell” — a lie, he knew that was a lie — “all the pages have the same girl in. She is beautiful, Reiner, don’t be shy, bring her over for dinner sometime.”

“No, uh, that won’t be possible. She’s not… she’s not available.” Reiner says, his words a solemn slew that seemed to reach the hearts of those across the table. He hates that pitying look.

Whilst his mother is right, you are beautiful — no, more than that, shit, he didn’t think there were enough words to describe how good you were — the truth is you hate him, most probably. No, most definitely. And whilst he stays up late at night imagining you, here, smiling with him at those around the dinner table, a ring shining proudly on your fourth finger soon to claim you as another Braun, he knows it all will remain just a naive dream to indulge in when the intrusive thoughts become too much.

You would probably try to kill him if you were to ever meet again… though at this point, time seems to be leaning towards when. He never thought he would dread seeing you but anything would be better than watching your eyes burn with hatred for him. Although, maybe dying by your hand would be ok; Reiner thinks that would be a good way to go, taken out by an angel, his angel. He would let you. The real question, however, was if he deserved such a merciful end.

His mother grimaces with her typical sad and old eyes that begged for something to remain of her only son once he passed on, “Oh… she’s in a relationship then?”

God, he hopes not.

“Yes.”

And that was that. Pitiful looks are shot his way, maybe a few simple apologies too -- even the bitter “well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, Reiner,” as if anyone else could compare to you, as if he even had time to think of looking for someone else with his scheduled death right around the corner.

He didn’t care to listen as they moved back to talking about Gabi and the whole warrior program, his fork instead prodding at the food still on his plate. They move on and he sits there for the rest of the night with his tongue craving to speak your name, of how alive you made him feel. His family wouldn’t find it so easy to talk down on the island devils -- like they were now -- if they knew you; if they knew your kindness or your intelligence.

In some ways, Reiner comes to envy them slightly, the way his family remains so unaware of how truly ethereal life can be. Remaining oblivious means that they can continue going about their normal, bleak day, but not Reiner who merely survives knowing that there is a taste of sunshine out there he can no longer bask in.

Reiner? Why would you do this? Reiner, tell me you’re lying?

Violently, he jolts, the chair screaming loudly against the wood floor and amber eyes are panicked when all he sees are walls surrounding him along with those he betrayed. He could feel the wind whipping at his cheeks and the dull throbbing of his arm. He could remember the harsh yellow light that shadowed the pained look on your face.

How could you do this to us, Reiner? I thought you loved me?

No, not again, please not now, he begs. He didn’t want to hear your voice, not like that, not now. Chest heaving, he does anything but meet his family’s concerned gaze, grabbing at the shirt material over his heart as he harshly pants out, “I’m going to bed, I’m tired. Thank you for dinner.”

They don’t call after him as his footsteps roar against the stairs, they never do because they know better after four years of the same shit; he wouldn’t tell the truth, a rushed ‘I’m fine’ half-hazardly thrown over his trembling shoulder as he flees to his room. His heart thunders at a worrying pace, choking him with fierce regret.

He can’t breathe. Then he stumbles. Weak feet thudding against the wood floor, looking for the soft comfort of blankets. It’s hard to focus but he knows that he can’t breathe. Not as he falls against his bed, hand frantically searching under his pillows.

Reiner, I hate you.

No. Please don’t say that. I’m so sorry.

His aching fingers find leather. Gripping the book tightly as he opens the pages. He still can’t breathe. And it hurts. Even as he looks at your face printed in graphite on the pages of his sketchbook, it hurts. Fuck, it hurts so much -- missing you. He misses you so much. So, so much. The burning of his eyes makes his vision fuzzy, but he knows the paper is getting wet. He hopes he hasn’t obscured any of the details of your face, because what if he forgot? God, what if he forgot? He can’t forget you. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

His mind is screaming, his heart, his eyes. It is all so loud. Clutching his ears he sobs into his pillow, wails like the infant he is until he can no longer see, think or feel.

Yet, even as his body surrenders to sleep, he cannot escape that final pitiful howl that reverberates through the four walls of his room.

Let me see her again, please.

But he only does in his dreams.

+

If there was any way for him to die, Reiner didn’t think sunstroke would be it.

The mid-summer sun bore down intensely as it watched the soldiers that lined the dirt ditch. With him were maybe fifty trainees in total, if he had to make a rough guess. A sea of naive faces; children who didn’t know the meaning of what it was to fight, to sacrifice. It was easy to laugh at the stupidity of those he stood with — the fact that they truly thought they could stand a chance in battle. At least here, Reiner can see that the rest of his fight should be an easy one.

With that being said, he still couldn’t help the way his knees trembled. Only a small movement, barely noticeable to the normal eye, but he still felt it was obvious to those who knew what to look for. This was the lion's den, and ultimately, these were the evil bastards he would have to fight. Kill. Surrounding him from every side were past, current, and future soldiers, all worked to the bone for the name of a battle they were set to lose.

Although, despite how pitiful he saw them to be, Reiner was anxious. What if they figured him out? He knew it was an outrageous thought, hardly likely to actually happen. But, as Commander Shadis stands in front of him with his ugly teeth bared and demanding a name, Reiner cannot help but fear that the lion's jaws were about to snap down on his neck.

Golden eyes glared at him, daggers nearly piercing through his resolve. If anyone here could blow his cover, then this wrinkly bastard would be it.

Luckily -- Reiner never thought he would say this -- he had encountered far worse than Shadis in his relatively short lifetime. Training for years within the deadly observation of the Marleyan elite, had taught him what it meant to be a warrior. He didn’t struggle to introduce himself with a steeled face, no stutter or nervous shift in his eyes to be found. A warrior wouldn’t do either of those, and Reiner refused to be the exception. This was nothing compared to what he had done, and what he would do.

He refused to lose now, there had already been enough of that.

The Commander says nothing more to him, and Reiner steadily exhales through his nose in relief. He had passed, and now all he had to do was blend in. Blend in and kill these evil Eldian devils, for the sake of his home, for the sake of his people.

Shadis struts out of his line of sight, instead moving on to the person standing to his left. Curiosity gets the better of him as Reiner finds himself sneaking a small glimpse towards the next cadet, “What’s your name?”

“Y/N L/N, sir.”

Reiner’s eyes widened like dinner plates as he spotted you. He almost had half a mind to grasp at his heart with the way it betrayed him and stuttered in his chest.

Because fuck, you're pretty. Like, super fucking pretty.

Almost instinctively Reiner’s cheeks flare up against his will, no matter how much he tries to remind himself that you are a dirty island devil. A desperate attempt is made to remove his gaze from you, before you caught him staring, and yet, no matter how hard he tried to steer his gaze forward -- to look for Bertholdt or Annie’s reassurance amongst the crowd -- Reiner just couldn’t take his eyes off of you, as if you had bewitched him. He wouldn’t put it past you, considering what you were.

Although, he had to admit, staring at you was like staring at the sun; he knew that he shouldn’t, that he would only be burned by it, yet the call was practically irresistible.

He watched your lips move, unaware of the dopey grin on his face as they formed another slew of candied words, “from Shiganshina, sir.”

His smile drops. Nevermind.

Even if he wanted to, Reiner had no chance with the pretty girl whose hometown he had willingly destroyed. He couldn’t really picture dinner with your family going well. Shit, imagine that, sitting down and saying ‘hi, yes, I’m Reiner Braun and I’m the armored titan that forced you to give up everything you had.’

Sure, that would go over with no issues at all.

It was probably a good thing, Reiner sighed to himself as Commander Shadis moved on to the next cadet to interrogate, the heavy weight of his footsteps drowned out by the orchestra of crickets in the fields above. They weren’t here to make friends, Reiner would have to kill you when the time called for it. So, the thought of future dinner plans with you and your parents -- if they were even still alive after the mess he and Bertholdt made -- really was stupidity at its finest. Nothing will ever develop that far during his time here, he refused to house the disgusting thought.

Still, he can’t help the small quirk of his lips as he hears you mutter a baffled, “is she seriously eating a potato?”

And he most certainly didn’t mean to mumble back, “at least potato girl is taking one for the team; number one spot on the shit list. Makes it easier on us.”

It got a smile from you though, and shit, it really was like looking at the sun. Reiner quickly decided in that one moment, he loved your smile, and he was going to continue making sure it stayed on your pretty face…

Yeah, it’s most definitely a good thing Reiner wanted nothing to do with you…. Right?

+

“I’ll never get this,” you complained, flopping down against the grass with a loud huff.

Sweat dripped off his forehead as he fought to catch his breath. The fabric of his now slightly sheer button up uncomfortably clung to his skin and he thinks perhaps he should’ve chosen different attire for this.

“Yes, you will. Come on, just a little longer, you are already so much better than before.” He smiles as he sits down beside you, electricity enticing shivers throughout his body as your shoulders lightly brush.

The sun was setting, painting your face in a golden glow. It was almost funny how much he envied how the sun could so openly and confidently kiss you. Though, he knows he shouldn’t be thinking that; he shouldn’t want to give a devil affection, not when he now trekked the long road to repentance. Feelings towards you were no more than your evil heart casting webs in his mind. Still, he couldn’t find it in himself to deny it, you looked beautiful. You always looked beautiful, even whilst covered in sweat and grass stains.

“You’re just saying that, Reiner. You’re one of the best at hand to hand combat so you have to be nice to me.”

“I don’t have to say anything, you are improving. Don’t disregard your progress. Besides, you are better than the rest of us with the ODM.” He says and bumps your shoulder. Though, he didn’t expect the force to send you flat on your back, his heart dropping to his stomach as he watched you do so. Apologies lined the tip of his tongue yet they were cut short as you unexpectedly laughed.

Your laugh was something he also quickly grew to love; a beautiful melody, so deeply enchanting like the chiming of wind. He had quickly found that whenever you laughed, his eyes would soon find you and refuse to leave. Especially in moments like this: the grass was your halo as you lay there and he wondered -- even as you fell to the ground so ungraciously -- if the color green had ever been prettier. No, probably not, he thinks with a flustered grin.

It is then that Reiner, as much as he envied it, also thanked the sun for concealing the red of his cheeks. If it hadn’t dusted the fields you both lay in within a golden glow, he was sure the fire behind his face would have been enough to light the whole world, sun be damned.

Honestly, he doesn’t know what he would do if you were to catch onto the fact that his blood was hot and racing around his body at a million miles per hour because of you. The friendship you had developed over the past two years of training was… remarkable. If anything threatened or imposed on it then, as much as he hated to admit, Reiner knew he would be devastated.

Instead, you both sit there, still trying to catch your breath from vigorous training in the summer heat, and watch the sun set behind roaring hills. The wind starts to cool and the birds stop their chirping in favor of listening to the crickets sing out from within the long strands of grass. It was as if Reiner was living within a dream, blissful and sweet like a person his age should.

“I used to be scared of you.” You say, eyes closed and smile wide. Your voice was nonchalant and yet he still frowns. The mere image of you being scared -- of him nonetheless -- unsettled his stomach, as if he had eaten a bad slab of meat.

Lightly grasping at his gut, Reiner realizes there that he never wanted you to be scared, especially of him, “why?”

Sitting up, your body leans against him and he isn’t sure whether it is subconscious or not but he doesn’t care, “well, you know… you’re big and strong and you kinda had that face that screams” -- you lower your voice and dramatically puff up your chest -- “I’m big and strong don’t fuck with me or I’ll kill you.”

If only you knew how true that statement was.

“I do not sound like that.”

“You do sound like that” -- you giggle, lightly swatting at his arm -- “but anyway you aren’t like that at all. You are basically just a huge ball of…” You pause then, eyes coated in a warm, far off haze and a faint smile on your face. Your head comes to rest against his shoulder as you wistfully sigh, “you are one of the nicest people I have ever met, Reiner Braun, and I’m so glad I met you.”

And in that one moment Reiner felt as though he had swallowed the sun. With only a few simple words you had lifted the weight of the world off his heavily burdened shoulders and instead placed a smile so large on his face. It was a smile put there because of you.

Truly, you had no idea of the power you wielded over him, and yet even if you did, Reiner knew you would never exploit it -- not that he would care if you did, he would still be proudly wearing the same old giddy smile he was now.

Confidently, he held your hand and a flurry of flowers bloomed within his chest. Reiner delighted in the size difference of your soft hands in comparison to his -- it always made him feel like he was made to be by your side -- softly playing with your fingers as if they were made of glass. He doesn’t think twice as he places a chaste kiss to the center of your palm and embraces the heat that licks at his heart. Your body shudders at the gesture causing his own to explode with fireworks… he hopes he gets the chance to show you them in the future.

“I’m glad I met you too.” He breathes, transfixed as you peer at him from behind fluttering eyelashes. He meant it, every single word.

Magnetized, you both get closer and closer and he feels hotter and hotter as you do. Your lips were all he could focus on, the mere thought of their sweet taste simply too divine to ignore. He hoped you couldn’t hear his heart thundering like that of a race horse in his chest. Though it would all be worth it when he finally gets to kiss you after so many months of longin-

“Reiner!”

But he doesn’t get the chance to kiss you like he desperately wished to, not when Bertholdt calls for him across the field. He wants to ignore him, wants to finally crash into you like a wave to the shore, like he had dreamed of for all these months, but no matter how many extra minutes he spent by your side nor how many times he glanced at your pretty lips, Bertholdt kept on calling his name like a broken record to which you break apart. Once again he was cold.

You huffed as you stood, offering him your hand, “I guess that’s our training done. We both know he won’t shut up if you don’t go, Reiner.”

He lets you pull him up, touch slightly lingering on your hand before finally drifting apart after his name is called once again. Reiner groans, “he has his timing and I’m going to strangle him.” A silent message that he doesn’t regret what was about to happen, he doesn’t want you to think of it as a mistake on his part.

Your laugh blesses his ears once more as Bertholdt's figure gets closer and closer. You hug him again, quick and warm, and his heart stutters at the unexpected affection. He hopes he adapts to it sooner rather than later.

“Then let me know when you are going to do it so we can both ring his neck and put my training to use,” you wink before you leave -- your silent, coded response to let him know that you didn’t regret it either -- before joining Mikasa, Armin and Eren with a loud cackle as you retreat.

Although he cannot reflect on your words nor the lingering tingle he feels shooting up his spine from your touch for long, not when Reiner is met with stern disappointment as Bertholdt frowns, “you are getting too attached, Reiner. You have to stop whatever you have with her.”

He pushes past his friend, his blood boiling,“I’m not getting attached, I’m just blending in.”

Bertholdt’s hand grips his shoulder, spinning Reiner to meet his eyes, and with hushed fury Bertholdt says, “Blending in doesn’t involve falling in love with someone, especially the enemy. Get it together Reiner, you know what the goal is.”

The weight is back on his shoulders and the world crushes his spirit once again. Bertholdt is right, Reiner shouldn’t be fond of you like he is. If this was left unchecked, to grow like the weed it was, then Reiner would surely fall in love, if he wasn’t already and that was dangerous…

But as you both walk away, back to back, he can’t help the way his heart yearns for your comfort.

He sighs, defeated, “yes, you are right. I’m sorry, Bertholdt.”

+

“When we graduate, what branch are you going to go to?” You whisper as you fiddle with his hands, tracing the shape of them lightly with your pointer finger.

You were both sitting on a roof, the night sky alive with millions of stars -- you like to think of them as fireflies, it made the nighttime seem not so lonely. There was a chilly breeze, one that sent goosebumps flaring up across your skin. He must have noticed because no more than a second later, he gently drew you into his arms.

It was hard not to fluster as you sat there against his chest. The sonorous beat of his heart made it hard to stay awake as your breath started to even out and eyes fluttered shut.

“Hmm, I always said the military police would be it for me but” -- you look up at him to see him already dazedly smiling down at you -- “I think I may reconsider depending on a few things.”

Smiling into the material of his shirt, you shake your head a little at the implication of his words, “well, if I told you I was going to join the Scouts, what effect would that have?”

It was well known amongst the 104th that after Shiganshina, you, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were going to the Survey Corps. There was no way you could forget the screaming and the blood that rained down upon the streets that you grew up in; no way you could erase the image of your family crushed by debris and eaten alive. Although, it was mainly due to Eren that you all decided to join, after all, the small group of you were all you had left.  There was no way you couldn’t follow, even if it meant your own demise would be met out there, though you tried not to think of that.

But to imagine that Reiner would give up his safety to join you out there… well, it made you feel like you mattered; cozy and complete.

Reiner chuckles, the sound rumbling deep within his chest, “I would tell you that I always thought I looked good in green.”

Your laugh echoes throughout the air as you lightly shove him, although he is quick to grab your arms and pull you back towards his chest. The two of you fall silent then, his hands gently gliding up and down your back as he blissfully sighs.

“You’re stuck with me,” he finally says, placing a familiar kiss to the crown of your head, “I don’t think I can leave your side, even if I wanted to.”

“Reiner,” you breathe, a gentle smile taking over your face, “I guess it’s a good thing for you that I never want you to leave me then.”

The arms around you squeeze a little tighter and you can hear the smile in his voice as he agrees, “yeah, that’s a good thing indeed.”

+

Eren had truly caught Reiner off guard. The way he harshly grabbed him and pulled him into a shadowed corner between two cabins with a glare that had never once been directed towards anyone other than Jean.

“You like y/n, right?” Is what he says, and the question causes Reiner to choke on his spit. He had only wanted to go to sleep, the day was tiring and the food had only pushed him further towards exhaustion. However, he still made sure you walked back to your cabin safely, even if there was no need for him too — you both knew he did it just so he could spend an extra few minutes with you. Reiner only wanted to sleep, but it seemed that Eren wanted to pick a fight instead.

Coughing, he hits his chest a few times before croaking, “uh, what?”

Eren rolls his eyes before scoffing, “I’m not stupid, Reiner. You like her, it is written clear as day over your stupid face.”

Reiner had never considered his feelings for you to be embarrassing, no, they were quite beautiful actually; equated to a field of flowers or a roaring sunset. Although, being forcefully confronted about his liking towards you was another matter, right now it felt as though he had been punched in the gut.

Sighing, he sees no other choice but to give in to Eren’s probing stare, bashfully whispering, “I think I more than like her at this point, Eren.”

It’s quiet between the two for a while, awkward and tense. The silence causes Reiner to shift uncomfortably on his feet, looking anywhere but the green eyes of the boy before him. No one would have expected a sight like this: Reiner cowering at the sight of a maniac like Eren Jaeger, it was almost funny.

However, that soon ends when Eren sighs, placing a hand on Reiner’s shoulder and awkwardly mumbling, “if you hurt her, I’ll kill you Reiner.” That was all the younger boy — one of the only people important enough to be considered family by you — said before quickly turning on his feet and walking back towards their shared quarters.

And as Reiner watched Eren kick a few rocks as he left, he smiled because he knew that was as close to a blessing he was ever going to get. Somehow, that little threat, well, it meant the world to him.

For a moment he forgot about who he truly was, because in that second he was excited for what a future by your side entailed. It was a shame Reiner was who he was, because fuck did that future look utterly divine.

+

They had done it, Bertholdt and him.

They had easily broken through another wall and let carnage descend upon Trost. Many were already dead and more about to join the fallen. All that was left after Rose was Sina, and once that final barrier was destroyed the mission would be complete. They could go home. After so long in this hellhole they could finally leave and be heroes. He should be joyous, excited, thrilled. Yet, Reiner couldn’t understand why instead his mind flooded with panic; refusing to leave your side for even a second since he had joined you all.

You were a spectacle, that was to be sure. Graceful but deadly as you danced through the air and sliced every titan unfortunate enough to stumble into your path.

If Marley had a warrior like you, then fuck, this mission would have been so much easier. Marcel would probably still be here and enemy nations would be nothing but rubble beneath your feet. Marley didn’t have you though… and you were an enemy. Reiner tried his best to remember that.

“There are too many, shit,” you seethe, a murderous glint lining your eyes, “I don’t have much gas left, fuck, fucking damnit it to fucking hell.”

Unfortunately, you were correct. All of you -- him, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Annie, Bertholdt, Armin, Marco and a few others -- were practically running on fumes by this point, with no shelter and far too many meat headed bastards littering the street, picking people off one-by-one. HQ was plagued with titans and supplies were looking to be unoptional for the foreseeable future. They had already lost a large number of friends during this battle -- including Eren, which he knew hit you hard despite how calm you tried to remain -- and it was only a matter of time before someone else joined the rest of the corpses lining the titan’s bellies.

So, as much as Reiner refused to believe it, with the way things were looking, you were going to die. He couldn’t risk transforming to save anyone, even you. Not that he should, because the mission will always come first. He just hoped he didn’t have to watch as your blood stained the streets below, your body torn apart and crunching under the force of a titan’s jaw.

You're pacing back and forth now, hands pulling at the skin of your face as the shock begins to set in. Shivering hands are easy to spot, and it is even easier to conclude that the action likely isn’t caused by the rain. Marco tries his best to comfort you from his spot by Reiner’s side, but you are completely unresponsive to him; muttering wildly under your breath as you continue shakily stumbling across the rooftop. This is grief, Reiner recognizes, grief and acceptance of your death.

“Hey,” he grabs your arms as he watches you tear up, “we’ll get out of this ok? We aren’t dying today. I’ll make sure of it.”

No one else around him says anything. He is, of course, aware of Bertholdt and Annie’s burning stare focused on the back of his head but he tries not to fixate on it. Instead he chooses to concentrate on the smallest movements and changes in your face, awaiting the moment you finally break.

“He’s gone, Reiner,” your voice is wobbly, so uncharacteristically gloomy, and it pulls hard at his heart, “my best friend is- he’s dead, just like..” Just like your family is what you’re going to say but choke before you could even begin to form a single syllable. Armin had broken the news to you through a slew of tears -- you hadn’t reacted then, too caught up in the current situation. He was eaten by a damn titan with only an arm left of him, shit, what an awful way to go. Eren didn’t deserve that.

Reiner’s thumbs quickly wipe away the tears that fall, and he quickly pulls you into a tight embrace. This wasn’t the place or time, he knew that comfort was the last thing he should be offering right now but… but you needed it. Reiner wasn’t completely fucking heartless.

Soft hushes escape his lips as he lightly rocks you back and forth, “I know, and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”

This was his fault, your pain, your anguish. He did this, he was guilty.

Sniffling, you slowly pull back from where he held you to his chest. You smile at him, a tragic thing that doesn’t reach your eyes and he has half a mind to think that he may have preferred it when you cried, at least then he didn’t have to see you force being ok for him. You shouldn’t have to comfort him in a moment like this. You should let yourself grieve and not force a mask of solace to ease the harsh frown on his face, because you always knew how much he liked your smile. God, you were such an angel.

Lightly patting his chest, your voice is completely exhausted as you utter, “don’t apologize, Reiner, this isn’t your fault.”

But it is, it is all his fault, he thinks as he brings you into another hug. Wincing against the top of your head, he silently begs for your forgiveness because he hurt you, he hurt your family, he hurt your friends, and he is so, so fucking sorry.

Reiner has ruined your life and yet here you stand, nuzzling into him as if he were deserving of such tender affection. You had no clue of the crimes he had committed… Just like Reiner doesn’t know if the wetness on his cheeks is from the rain or his building regret.

+

“Have you seen, y/n?” Reiner asks as he finishes bandaging Armin’s head.

His body ached slightly, nothing he wasn’t prepared for or wouldn’t heal from, and thus something that became a second thought in comparison to the anxieties that were slithering in his head. He was thankful that the small, little group had found shelter beneath the trees. The heat was messing with his brain, it made him see all kinds of things and think all kinds of thoughts. The sweat practically dripped from his forehead like a leaky tap, he felt disgusting, and he really hoped you had a spare handkerchief on you for him to use. He smiled slightly at the thought, you were always prepared when it came to stuff like that.

Jean stops whistling as both he and Armin shoot anxious glances at each other, and Reiner’s smile falls. Their mutual hesitation does nothing to settle the sinking of his gut, nor does it quell the boiling of his blood. Although Reiner was a patient guy -- he had to be in order to keep a cool head, to lead like he had promised his fellow soldiers -- the longer their shared silence continued the shorter his fuse got. Images of you being torn apart, eaten, scared, trampled, screaming for someone, for him, to save you plagued his mind.

Broken and bloodied, the idea of you in that state became nothing but clearer in his mind the longer they allowed the silence to tick by. Nausea overwhelmed him as he could practically smell the iron-y scent and taste the bitter copper tang. Shit, what if you got mixed up in this mess? What if you encountered the female titan?

Annie… she wouldn’t kill you, right? There was no way, you were both friends, surely she would take mercy upon you…

He prayed to whatever God there was that she was sympathetic towards you, towards him.

“Well? Have you seen her?” He snaps, far harsher than he should but he cannot bring himself to utter an apology, not if he didn’t know whether you were ok or not.

The land was open for miles, only the grass and bordering trees could be observed from the acres of fields. Yet, Reiners eyes didn’t once stop inspecting the area around him, silent pleas screaming to see you riding towards him and diving within the safety of his arms. Only, there was nothing there. You weren’t there.

Armin stutters slightly before finally and timidly uttering, “no, Reiner. We haven’t, but-”

What did that mean? What did that mean? What did it mean?

“Damnit,” he seethes and desperately tries to withhold the tears that were prodding at his eyes. He couldn’t stop himself from hunching over as if struck, hands on his knees as the acidic taste of bile washed his tongue.

“She was stationed on the right wing…” He chokes and the air is tense as he watches both his comrades tense.

“Maybe she is fine, Reiner. She is tough, you know that from training and… Trost. Besides, we need to figure out how we are getting out of here first.” Jean speaks between piercing whistles.

The noise was infuriating. A constant high-pitch ringing that battered his brain with excess noise that overwhelmed his every sense. Reiner truly wanted to scream at Jean that his stupid horse wasn’t coming back, to cut that shit out incase more titans come. Fuck, he wanted to claw at everything and anything around him; rip his ears off, punch a tree, something to get rid of all this stress.You were out there somewhere, possibly fighting for your life, and he was standing here doing fuck-all.

Of course, whilst the what ifs would continue to flood his mind in a constant taunting loop, he knew his anger towards Jean was stupid and heavily irrational; not an act a soldier should be engaging with. After all, emotions do not save lives when it comes to missions, in fact they make them deadlier. So, as much as Reiner is appalled by the suggestion because there was no way he could prioritize his escape when you could be out there in need of help, he supposes he can’t help you if he is dead.

Sighing, Reiner stands straight before finally stating what he knew the three had been thinking since their encounter with the female titan, “no, you’re right Jean. Anyway we look at it, one of us has got to stay here. We need to figure out who.”

He couldn’t afford to stay behind. Whilst he could ultimately survive out here, there was no way he would be able to look for yo- to finish his mission if he were assumed dead. Although, he didn’t exactly feel comfortable leaving Jean or Armin behind either -- especially Armin, you would be devastated if anything were to happen to the blond.

However, that doesn’t make anything easier. Someone has to stay behind, and Reiner doesn’t want to play a part in choosing who.

“Wait a second” -- Armin protests before coming to a wobbly stand -- “shouldn’t we fire a signal? If everyone kept going straight then the final row should be in close proximity by now,” he reasons.

It was a valid option, something that wouldn’t hurt to try. After all, what could really be worse than this?

The three look between themselves before Jean retrieves a canister from his satchel with a sigh. Loading the emergency flare into the gun, Jean fires it into the air, and the three watch it paint the sky. Reiner watches it travel, and as much as he knows safety is unlikely, he really hopes someone sees the purple smoke. A naive part of him hopes you see it too.

“There we go, but I highly doubt someone is going to see that and think someone is in need of a horse,” Jean laments, walking off to once again whistle for his missing horse.

“We stay here three minutes tops, Armin. After that, we are making the decision.” Reiners' words hang heavy in the air.

“Wait, someone is coming.” Jean interrupts.

Jean wasn’t wrong, someone was coming, emerging from the fields of red and green. The world had taken pity upon the three wounded soldiers and sent them, him, a guardian angel… because there you were, riding full speed towards them.

Reiner doesn’t realize he is running until he is right before you, a blinding grin on his face. “Are you ok?” He asks, grabbing your hand.

There were no visible wounds to you, at least not ones he could spot as he frantically inspected you for the nth time within the short seconds you had arrived. Your eyes were slightly watery and your brows furrowed far more than he would like them to be, but you seemed fine. He was so fucking glad you were fine.

In that moment he wanted, needed, to kiss you, though really he had wanted to do that for a long time, knowing you were safe and ok convinced him to finally admit his fond feelings.

“I should be asking you that.” You exclaim, squeezing his hand before bringing it to rest on his cheek, “are you all ok?”

Reiner nuzzles into your palm, a subconscious movement, and places a sweet kiss to the center of your palm, a habit he had picked up within your presence.

The boys behind him are thanking you, he can hear the desperate sounds of relief floating through the air. No one would be left behind because you had seen their call for help and you had brought them horses, Jean’s as well. You really were an angel.

He hears you cry out from above as you fling yourself down from your horse, “oh my God, Armin, your head!”

Within seconds Armin’s face is cupped gently within your hands, a nasty, green feeling settling in Reiners gut. Your fingers lightly trace the bandage covering his forehead, relieved to find that the bleeding had stopped a while ago and no longer seeped through the white material. Although, it was a battle for Reiner to contain the urge to pull you away, to hug you again and ward Armin off with a glare; ugly possessiveness rearing its head at the sight of the two of you. He clicks his tongue in frustration, more than aware that feeling this way wasn’t fair -- you both are just friends, he reminds himself, nothing more.

But as you turn back round to face him, striding over and gripping him tight within your embrace, he can’t help but indulge in the fact that you never hugged anyone like this, nor did you ever place a gentle kiss to their cheek like you are doing right now.

Since when did anyone under the terms ‘just friends’ act like this?

You pull back, only a little bit, but when you whisper the sacred words, “you don’t know how devastated I would’ve been if anything had happened to you,” he feels as though he is complete.

Reiner only feels it right to respond with a light kiss to the crown of your head, and against the warm skin he smiles, “oh, I’m pretty sure I know.”

+

“Reiner?” He hears your shaky voice mumble, the weak sound prompting him to quickly turn around. Within the shadows of the cold Survey Corps hallways, he can still make out the tear stains on your cheeks.

He races towards you, only a few short steps, but a distance traveled as fast as he humanly could. Grasping your face gently within the comforting, protective hold of his calloused hands, his thumb traces over the watery paths, his own eyes burgeoning with tears as he rasps, “hey, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Hazel eyes are quick to analyze every minute detail of your body, looking for scrapes, or blood, or bruising, or-

He jumps when you cup his face, similar to how he does you -- gentle and loving. Beneath your hands he can feel his cheeks burn, as if your skin were a match and he was gasoline. You pull his head down towards you, a gentle tug that is futile to resist, and as your foreheads rest against each other you confidently say, “Reiner, I love you.”

For a moment, he truly believes he misheard you. In his broken, twisted mind, there was no way you could love him back. You deserved the world and all its treasures, so why would you ever decide to settle for a man like him instead? He was broken, evil, and a murderer. Selfishly, he couldn’t find it in himself to tell you that, selfishly, because he had wanted for so long to hear those sweet words tumble from your mouth.

At his silence, he watches your face wince, panicking as if you truly believed he hadn’t been obsessed with you since day one, “I just had to tell you, after the last expedition and hearing you almost died, I- I just-”

“Say- say that again,” he smiles, eyes watering.

You smile back, “I love you, Reiner.”

“Again.”

“I love you, Reiner.”

He whispers, “again.”

“Reiner,” you groan, throwing your head back with a roll of your eyes.

Although, he doesn’t give you much time to complain. Instead he laughs brightly, louder than he had in years, picking you up and holding you close as he spins you around, “I love you too. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

The words easily fall from his lips, bursting like water through a broken dam. He would say them over and over again, millions upon millions of times if that is what you needed, wanted. Reiner loves you, he loves you, and is certain that for the rest of his life -- a life not long enough -- he will continue to love only you. How could he not?

You were perfect in every definition of the word, a perfect blend of kindness, determination, strength, and empathy, all drizzled with the sweetest layer of honey. Loving you was easy, Reiner found. He doesn’t believe he could ever regret such a beautiful thing.

Then he catches it, through the dizzying spins he catches a glimpse of your smile -- a smile he still adores to this day. It begs him to end the years worth of pining, longing for your lips on his. Your smile, a smile he has loved since he first lay his hazel eyes upon it, hardly needed to do much convincing.

After years of waiting, as he places your giggling self back to the ground, he finally gets to kiss you like he wanted that late afternoon in the field. He kissed you to convey all those millions of words he could not say; kissed you to show how long he had desired to love you; he kissed you like it would be your last…

Funny really, considering that when a scout came to collect Reiner, and only Reiner, a minute later to venture off somewhere down South, that single moment truly would be your last shred of shared happiness until you both rejoined on that wall after the events of Utgard Castle. Before Reiner finally and fully broke both of your hearts.

If he had known, he wouldn’t have left.

+

“So, you’re telling me… Reiner and Bertholdt are…” you couldn’t even finish your sentence, your throat burning under the acidic taste of bile.

You couldn’t believe it, how could you? Reiner? A traitor? No, Armin had to have this whole thing wrong. Reiner had been nothing but kind, and sweet, and loving. A traitor wouldn’t care as much as Reiner did, a traitor would never show you love like the one you had known with him. If everyone could maybe just listen, maybe they would understand how good Reiner was.

Because he bandaged your scrapes and kissed them better. He protected you from titans when Trost fell. He helped you improve with self-defense when it seemed like a hopeless task. He told you stories when you couldn’t sleep, even if he was so tired all he wanted to do was pass out. Those weren’t the actions of a bad person. So maybe, if they just listened to you, they would see that Reiner Braun could never, ever be a traitor… right?

Collapsing to your knees, tears singe your eyes red. It seemed Eren was also having a hard time with this. Denial pouring out of his mouth faster than the tears escaped your eyes. The more Armin spoke, the more he explained everything, as much as she tried to drown everything out, the more it made sense… and you hated yourself for it.

If Reiner was the traitor… the armoured titan like they believed then that meant… that mean he murdered your family… Eren’s family… everyone’s family.

Oh God. He… he killed them.

Bringing a hand to your mouth with a gasp, you gag at the thought that you had fallen in love with the man who ruined your life. All the times you wept in his arms, sobbing about what you saw that day… he knew the entire time.

He knew what he did to you, and yet… oh God.

A hoarse voice echoes throughout the room, it belongs to you, as you numbly say, “if Reiner is a traitor” — you gasp, sniffling as the sobs threaten to break free — “I will kill him.”

It was a promise. You would, even if the thought of his blood staining your hands shattered what was left of your heart. If Reiner was the traitor, you would kill him… you had to… you hoped you had the strength to at least.

Although something deep inside you whispered that you didn’t.

+

It was dark, damp and putrid within the basement walls, thick layers of mold crusting over the beige stone. Water dripped from the ceiling with a slow yet incessant pace, similar to that of a ticking clock -- the continuous sound was a taunting reminder that time was quickly running towards its end. So much was happening, so much to be processed. He truly felt as though he had finally gone insane. After all, it was only a matter of time until he did; the breakdowns, nights of plagued dreams, the thoughts of craving death. This was bound to happen, yet he was terrified at how real it all was. Could it be that this was actually happening? He never thought he would hope so, but that seemed far better than the other option, that this was all real.

Falco remained shaking against the wall, silently gasping in shock. Reiner wished he could reassure the boy, tell him that this wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what sending those letters meant, he didn’t know that the supposed injured man he was trying to help was the enemy from overseas. Reiner so desperately wanted to tell Falco everything he needed to hear, but the words were stuck behind the lump in his throat. He burned with an unholy fire, tears singing his skin as he begged Eren for forgiveness that he knew he didn’t deserve. His knees were beginning to hurt as they dug into the stone ground, the material of his pants growing wet the longer he bowed.

Reiner babbled like the infant he is, words an incoherent slew of snot and tears. He was just a kid too, he didn’t want to hurt anyone. Eren had to understand that he really didn’t want to hurt him, hurt his friends, hurt you.

How could you do this to me, Reiner? I loved you.

God, he was sorry. So, so sorry. He didn’t want any of this to happen, not anymore. You had to understand that, right? You had to know he never wanted to hurt you, that he didn’t think of you as a devil like everyone else here did. Not when he knew you to be better than anyone who walked this pitiful world.

“You want to know how she is, right?” Eren’s voice is a monotone drawl, all hints of the once familiar fight that lit his bright eyes was gone. This person, this man, sat before Reiner was a stranger; the vacant shell of an old friend turned enemy. Maybe this was one of the consequences of his betrayal, and Reiner wonders how many of the others are like this too. He ignores the voice murmuring in the back of his head that he had made you into one of these numb soldiers, that his betrayal shattered you for good.

Even so, Eren is not wrong. Reiner craved to know every detail about you, for the past four years all he wanted was you. The medals, the praise, the recognition, to hell with all of it -- you and your beautiful smile was all he needed. It was the air which he was desperate to breathe.

Nodding his head, fast and vigorous, he brings his palms together and prays to hear your name. He wants Eren to describe everything: how you had changed and how you had stayed the same. Was your favorite color still that of the blue sky? Did you still always drink a cup of tea before walking around the fragrant fields? Were your eyes still vibrant and full of stars? Did you smile whenever you thought of him? Reiner knows he still smiled when he thought of you.

“Reiner,” Eren says, looking down upon his trembling form. There was a weak pause, full of tension that detained his airways in a vice grip. Reiner sits up, quivering beneath Eren’s detached gaze.

“She’s dead.”

He was shot. Reiner didn’t see a gun but Eren must’ve had one. There was no other way to describe how his flesh felt as though it had ripped in two, the way his lungs were suffocated and choked, the way his body went into a painful shock. Finally breaking down, Reiner screams, at least he thinks he does with how his throat ignites in furious ache; He wouldn’t know of the dreaded noise he unleashed within the cold walls -- like a wounded animal cornered and about to die -- because Reiner cannot hear anything beyond the shattering of his chest.

Refusal was all he had, complete and utter denial for the vile words that slithered from Eren’s lips. He shakes his head back and forth, a fast paced movement that causes his brain to rattle painfully within his skull. You couldn’t be dead. Eren was lying. Reiner had heard you, with the group, with Jean and Hange as they detained him. He had heard you, seen you, protected you. You couldn’t be gone, not you, anyone else but you. No, this had to be another nightmare. A lie he had no choice but to suffer through for how he had sinned.

“You’re lying, Eren” -- he gasps, like he had been submerged under water for far too long and now he finally breached the surface for precious air -- “Why would you say that? She’s not dead. She can’t be. Please, Eren, tell me you’re lying.”

The green-eyed boy glared down at Reiner’s trembling form, lips slightly curled into a vicious snarl. It was the first hint of emotion that had been seen on Eren since the beginning of this interaction, and Reiner shivers at the intensity, “you have no right to cry after what you did, Reiner. You have no right to ask of her, not after what you did.”

Pitiful whimpers echo throughout the walls, “I love her, Eren. I swear, I love her.” The defeated words repeat over and over again like a broken record, in hopes that eventually he would get Eren to understand that his feelings for you had never been a lie.

His skin prickles as Falco’s concerned, or perhaps curious, gaze falls on what’s left of Reiner. He knows what questions the young boy wants to ask, he knows that Falco wants to know who you are. How was Reiner supposed to say that this was your best friend, here to bring the dreadful news that you, his soulmate, was dead? Falco wouldn’t be able to understand how Reiner fell in love with a ‘devil’ nor would he ever know just how easy you made falling to be.

“I suppose that is one of the many ways we are alike,” Eren stands before grasping Reiners hand with an iron clad hold. It was just enough to gain the fleeting remnants of Reiners attention as Eren continues, “we both have lost people we love… to you.”

To… me? Had he heard Eren right? Did that mean he had… Did he kill you?

You’re killing me Reiner, how could you do this?

“How?” Reiner croaks, he couldn’t understand it, he couldn’t understand what Eren was saying. Reiner needed to know, he desperately needed to know.

But Eren ignores him, doesn’t offer any closure or solace, only the familiar words of a monster, “I told you what would happen if you hurt her didn’t I?” — Reiner gasps at the haunting, far off voice of his resurfacing memories ‘if you hurt her, Reiner, I’ll kill you — “and just so you know, I will keep moving forward” — Eren’s grip on Reiner’s hand tightens, a painful constrictor refusing to let its prey flee. Amber eyes widen as Eren’s begins to glow, and within the split second of time he has, Reiner tries to rush towards Falco before it is too late — “until I exterminate my enemy.”

You killed everyone I loved. You’re a murderer, a traitor. I hate you, Reiner. I hate you.

Reiner once upon a time thought the island devils across the sea were the most vile and cruel of creatures to walk this earth, but when a bright light followed and as he felt the burning heat scorch his skin, Reiner understood that the cruelest of monsters had been him all along.

And as he falls with the ghost of your name on his lips, Reiner truly wished he was dead too.

Maybe then he could finally feel safe and at home once more.