I Swear To God That Social Cue Wasnt There Before

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

High School Bernard trying to act cool and all knowing around Tim to impress him.

Also, high school Bernard internally: "Don't show Tim your superherosona. As much as you want to don't show Tim your superherosona!"

He eventually caves and shows Tim his drawing of his superherosona

i like this because they definitely naturally had to end up stealthier than bruce when they all grew up running around in those bright ass traffic light costumes

the biggest issue Bruce has with his kids working with the JL is probably that he trained them too well and now he’s scared of them and doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of the league.

Jason once walked up behind him so silently during a meeting that when he turned and saw a flash of the red helmet an inch from the back of his head he screamed like a teenage girl in a horror movie. Jason, nonplussed because all of the Robins scare the shit out of B like at least once a week, patiently waits for him to get his breath back before asking if they could grab thai on the way home. the rest of the JL stare in baffled awe and Bruce never lives it down.

Tim similarly appeared next to him once when he was fixing one of the appliances on the watchtower and when he made himself known by complaining that Damian kept flicking apple slices at him Bruce jumped so hard that he smacked his head against the frame of whatever he was fixing and gave himself a concussion. Barry laughs so hard he chokes on his coffee and Tim is just confused.

The kids aren’t even doing it on purpose, they’ve just naturally become too silent even for Batman and when they freak him out they just sigh and move on bcs its gotten old

I THINK WE DON'T TALK ENOUGH ABOUT HOW CALLUM KEPT HIS FAMILY TOGETHER AND HOW IT RELATES TO NOVACAINE.

This is best seen in sacred hospitality but we see it in the rest of the books too.

Callum kept his mom from leaving, from drinking, from suicide. By manipulating her.

Callum kept his sister away from boyfriends who were taking advantage of her. By manipulating her.

Callum helped placate his father (who was not a good man) by making sure all his business deals succeeded. By manipulating clients.

To Callum, his manipulation was what saved his family. Yes, he took away their autonomy but he kept them together. He had to keep them together in his child's mind. They were family. He loved them. He was trying to help them, to fix things because he didn't know how to cope with love because he was never taught how to love so he showed his love by trying to take all their burdens off their shoulders.

This reflects the most in his mother whom he forces to be happy even though he KNOWS people can't be fixed, stating this more than once. People don't stay changed. But he loves his mother so he tries to relieve her of all her flaws and struggles.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES WITH TRISTAN WHEN HE MANIPULATES HIM.

Tristan states this himself:

CALLUM LOVED TRISTAN SO HE ATTEMPTED TO DO THE ONLY THING HE KNEW HOW TO DO. TAKE AWAY HIS BURDENS. EXCHANGE AUTONOMY FOR PEACE. BECAUSE THAT IS ALL HE KNOWS.

HE WAS LOVING TRISTAN THE ONLY WAY HE KNEW HOW WHICH WAS FLAWED AND AWFUL AND HE KNEW. HE KNEW IT WAS POINTLESS AND IT WOULD END IN TRAGEDY. BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO LOVE TRISTAN. AND THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE IT AND HE KNOWS THAT BUT HE WAS LOVING THE ONLY WAY HE COULD.

I am a grown ass adult and I still get nausea when I feel like I'm in trouble. They're gonna send me to the principals office and take away my toys for a week. Can you just fucking kill me instead of making me stew in my fucking anxiety

i want to put bernard dowd in a box and shake him around a bit

what’s it called when you’re so disconnected from reality that cold water doesn’t feel like anything and you can barely taste food anymore

sometimes being a crim major means planning out a 20 minute presentation connecting bruce and damian wayne to different criminological theories for a final project

ITS HAPPENING! Did anyone say custom baseball cards?? The general layout is still a work in progress, but…👀

i’ve done everything that has been asked of me

self indulgent sam beckett ethel cain edit <33 thank you to @hballegro for most of the scenes !!