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look this has no right being so accurate but i— the cucumber thing, i just had to expand on that
it comes to light in an interview with two other teammates
it’s supposed to be one of those chill “get to know about this celebrity” ones, so it’s more personal and less exy-oriented
so these athletes are reading tweets with questions that fans wanted to ask them
and one of them is “andrew, what are your three biggest fears?”
andrew: i fear nothing. you should fear me
his teammate: ok drama queen just answer the damn question
andrew pauses for a moment (for the dramatics of course)
“heights. bugs. cucumbers.”
“cucumbers??”
anyways, andrew doesn’t explain this answer any further and when the video drops, everyone is very confused
fans are tweeting and asking for answers
every comment section on instagram is full of questions
post-game interviews are buzzing with inquires about this very strange fear
and then one day, the internet finally solves the mystery
the video circulates around social media for days, with everyone cooing over it
there's a little kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old, with a Minyard jersey on who meets andrew in the streets and asks for a picture
(andrew, being an absolute kid-lover, complies)
so the kid puts her arms out demanding to be picked up, and while she's in andrew's arms, politely asks "mr. minyard, why are you afraid of cucumbers?"
andrew, very seriously, replies "too many shades of green. they're dark. medium. light. it's very disturbing"
the video ends with andrew ruffling the kid's hair and her running off camera
after the initial cuteness, people realize how absolutely hilarious it is that scary, buff andrew minyard is scared of cucumbers because of how colorful they are
and so it starts
at meet and greets, fans present him with cucumbers
people tweet cucumber pictures and facts to him
edits are made with andrew and cucumbers
his pr box is full of custom shirts with cucumbers on them to "brighten up his wardrobe"
numerous compilations are made about andrew's reactions to these cucumber gifts
one person even writes a multi-chapter andrew x cucumber enemies to lovers slow-burn
(one of the foxes (aka nicky) prints this whole thing out and gifts it to him for his birthday)
finally, finally, a 32 second video entitled "andrew minyard EATS A CUCUMBER ." gets uploaded on youtube on the account "jorts"
it's super grainy, vertical, and the camera is constantly shaking as the person filming laughs
but it appears to show andrew at his kitchen dunking a cucumber into a flute of champagne at 3 am
the video gets millions of views
nobody knows who's behind the account, but every few months it posts an absolutely feral video of andrew that just crashes the internet
(spoiler alert: it's all thanks to neil)
Andrew is like a cat
You can’t back him into a corner
You can’t touch without permission
Must feed him to earn his love/respect
Will fight you at any moment without warning
Stabby bits sticking out from his hands
Will get scared if you surprise him with a cucumber
Can nap anywhere at anytime
Will judge literally everything you do, but say nothing
Small
Would jump out a window to escape a situation
Thinks you’re stupid
Would probably give you a dead animal… for various reasons
Prefers cats over people