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It was basically like "Asexual and aromantic people don't face systemic oppression!"
And... we do. Take a look around at how much value society places on sex and romance. Many systems rely on the expectation you will fall in love and get married. We've all heard the meme about getting married for tax reasons. Romance is even used as a measure of happiness. I'm in therapy, and my therapist will sometimes have to use certain charts and templates with me. A good chunk of them always involve discussing romantic life. I'm blessed that she is perfectly accepting of me being aroace, and we've even discussed how harmful it is that there's so much pressure. I've heard of other people in the community who had their asexuality/aromanticism treated like a problem in therapy.
Or, in the medical industry: I was having severe abdominal pains and went to the ER. The nurses were absolutely convinced it was an STD, despite me swearing I'm not sexually active. They only focused on the idea of an STD. It later ended up being an intestinal issue. They pressured me into doing a pelvic exam, then used the wrong size instrument so I was screaming in pain the whole time. All because they couldn't believe there was a patient who did NOT have sex. Who was NOT in a relationship. The expectation was that teenager = sex.
We are continuously taught this idea that everyone has sex and falls in love. All of our systems are built around it. Our whole society expects it. If you are not in any relationship, you are stereotyped as lonely and/or crazy. If you are in a purely sexual relationship, you are stereotyped as being vain and sex-crazed. If you are in a purely romantic relationship, you are stereotyped as leading your partner on and incompatible with others.
I'm fortunate enough to have grown up surrounded by people who loved and supported me for my identity. I love myself for my identity. But even I have still faced discrimination and harm as a result of it. I still get anxious when a doctor touches me. I still feel left behind when I see my friends getting into relationships. But I don't want to change myself.
I want to change the world around me. We deserve better.
Not too long ago, my friend Bella came out as aromantic to me, and now I’ve got some things to say.
I was the one who told her what aromantic means, because I was explaining different sexual orientations to her. I remember saying, “Asexualiy is when you have romantic attraction, but no sexual attraction.”
Bella immedently, without missing a beat, asked, “Is there an opposite to that?”
I asked what she meant, and she asked if there was a term for sexual attraction but no romantic attraction. I told her about aromantics. She got weirdly quiet, then excused herself.
Not two weeks later I was heading to my boat. I was supposed to meet Bella and another one of our muteral friends there for a day of fishing.
As soon as I was in earshot, I saw Bella storming off the boat, and our other friend standing there like an idiot. Boi had no idea what was happening.
Anyway, Bella isn’t looking where she’s going and walks smack dab into me. That’s when I realized she was crying. Puffy red eyes, wet cheeks, the whole nine yards… And if you know anything about Bells, she does not cry. Ever.
She’s been through some serious crap in her life, and she does not cry. She’s tough as nails. Bella has a steel core. She does not not cry. I’ve seen her fall off a roof and break her arm before, not a single tear. I can’t stress this enough, Bella. Doesn’t. Cry.
So seeing her in tears shook me. I took her by the shoulders and escorted her somewhere more private where we could talk. We ended up in the women’s restroom, which was weird as fuck for me, because haven’t been in a woman’s rest room for years. Luckily it was empty, and I’m realistic, I know I don’t pass so well, so I don’t think anyone would have said anything anyway.
Before I can even ask her what’s wrong she hugs me around my middle and burys her face in my hoodie. Then, in a voice I can only describe as traumatized, she says, “I think I’m broken.”
I’ve never seen her in so much pain, and Bella and I are CLOSE. She’s one of my dearest friends. She’s like my little sister, but if she’s like my sister, our other muteral friend is like her twin. He and Bella have know each other WAY longer, they’re practically inseparable. They come as a pair. They’re a duo. They’re a package deal.
Appearently, said muteral friend asked Bella out and forcefully kissed her. She shoved him off, and told him she’s aromantic, which she only recently figured out. She wasn’t ready to be out, but this muteral friend left her no choice. She tried telling him no, and he didn’t listen. Bella saw no other option.
Quote on quote, this is what he said to Bella. “That’s okay. You just haven’t dated me yet. We’ve been like, unofficially together for years. You’re probably just freaked out that it’s finally going somewhere.”
After that I’m not 100% clear on what happened, but apparently Bella kept saying no Nd trying to explain herself, but he kept insisting he could ‘fix her.’
Eventudally she started crying and stormed away. That’s when I found her.
Keep in mind, this was her first experience coming out, and her best, closest friend insisted he could fix her and forcefully kissed her. I found out later he also implied corrective rape would ‘solve the problem.’
Bella was traumatized. She’s still traumatized. I tried to make her feel better by buying her an aro pride shirt, and taking her go a local LGBTQ+ hang out. I wanted her to be around like minded people, so she could see she wasn’t broken, and her identity deserved to be respected.
Instead of a warm, welcoming environment… The first thing someone said to her was, “This place is for REAL lgbt people. You don’t belong here.” He also implied she wasn’t human.
Just think about that for a minute. Her first experiences with being an out aromantic have been limited to;
A person she trusted more than anyone forcing himself upon her, claiming she was ill, and needed to be fixed. (Raped.)
Sobbing in my arms in the women’s restroom because she thought she was broken and defective.
Being told she wasn’t welcomed in LGBTQ+ spaces and called inhuman.
This isn’t what I want for her. Bella deserves better than this. She needs a support system, not all this crap. I’ve spent the past week trying to undo all the damage exclusionists, arophobes, and people she trusted did.
Aromantics and asexuals belong in the LGBTQ+ community. You literally cannot change my mind.