I’m Not Ok Rn - Blog Posts

Sometimes life sucks especially for me today It feels like the world is burning down I know no one probably cares I’m not anyone special I know this is stupid and I shouldn’t be talking about this and I should just keep quiet but I just need to say something. I’m sorry if it’s annoying.

I apologise for the person I will become when this comes out

Tomorrow comes the release of Sansûkh the webcomic! 

Adapted by @determamfidd and illustrated by @fishfingersandscarves

Updates will be Mondays twice a month, follow this blog for updates!

Chapter 1

My guy this is fucking poetry holy shit

ok no but it’s about how nothing ever changes and how to immortal beings they don’t notice the cycle they’re trapped in. they try to break it. create new things. clubs. weddings. nothing ever changes. the club burns down. the wedding falls apart. you’re raising your son. he’s grown again and he doesn’t remember you. sunrise sunset. its back to the beginning. nothing ever changes. wishes and sword fights. boys nights and family dinners. it’s different you assure yourself. it’s different. i’m leaving soon. you tell yourself. it’s not true. because nothing ever changes. you try and try and try to leave. but nothing ever changes.

i’m crying

Sitting in front of my crush in a coffeeshop on a cold February evening while she was reading dressed in a long dusty pink dress is the epitome of desperate attraction I've felt so far

As the world falls down:

Chapter 6

Also on ao3

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"You...You what?" Steve's voice is shaky like he can hardly believe the words coming from Billy's mouth. It all happened so quickly: first Steve returns home from his night out with Dustin, then Billy shows up at his doorstep with cold distant eyes, and now here they are. Sitting in Steve's bedroom, nothing but the chirping of the crickets and the uncomfortable tension fills the silence.

"I can't be with someone I don't love," Billy repeats himself. He keeps his back towards Steve, that way it removes any type of eye contact, but Steve wants to see him. He wants to see his eyes. That way he'll know that the words coming out of his mouth aren't true.

"W-Why are you saying this? Of course, y--is this about what happened this morning? Ugh, Christ Billy!"

"It's got nothing to do with this morning. I'm not lying. This thing that's been going on between us, it was purely sexual. When I asked you out to the motel I realized we were getting to...personal. So I never showed up." Silence refills the air, "You said you wanted an explanation."

"you call that an explanation? First, you tell me you never loved me, then you say our entire relationship was just for sex?! Billy, I know you. What we have is more than just sex."

"Maybe to you."

"So you're telling me all that time we've spent together over the last six months meant nothing to you?"

Billy doesn't answer, instead, he keeps his back hunched and edges closer toward the foot of the bed. Steve wants to reach out and grab him, pull him into a soothing embrace and whisper into his ear, and say everything is okay. But his icy cold temperature radiates off his ghostly pale skin. It pains Steve so much to see Billy in this manner, acting so distant, saying such...lies.

Steve pulls himself closer to the edge, he's able to face Billy's profile but the blonde's eyes are still shut. "Billy, look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that what we had meant nothing to you."

Billy's eyes finally turn to Steve's and the brunette has to stop his body from recoiling. His baby blue eyes have transformed into a dull grey, the pupils are beyond dilated, and behind the hollow void filling his eyes they are a great level of raw pain. All Steve can do is sit there and let his heart shatter, something about seeing Billy in this state makes that festering sense of worthlessness linger in his brain.

"It meant nothing," Billy repeats in the same monotone voice. "Maybe it did for you, but for me, it was just a sexual thing. I know it was purely sexual for you in the beginning, and maybe in your mind it became something more but it was just a fantasy."

Billy removes himself from the bed, picking up the denim jacket he tossed aside, he fixes the ends of his mullet before heading for the door. "I don't think we should see each other anymore...take care of yourself, Harrington."

Steve is frozen to the bed. He does not want this to be real, this is just some sick dream, and he needs to wake up. He needs to move. He needs to stop Billy from leaving.

"This isn't you!" He springs up from the bed. Billy stops in his tracks, balling his hands into a tight fist which causes his knuckles to grow whiter than the Hawkins snow. "If Neil knows something and he's making you do this then you don't have to listen to him, you don't have to do anything that bastard tells you. If he's found out about us then just tell me. We can figure something out, I'll get you out of--"

"Stop trying to be some white knight, Steve!" Billy snaps. It's the first time Billy has shown emotion in his voice, it makes Steve flinch in fear, "Neil doesn't know shit! Stop trying to find some excuse, it's over alright, now let me go!"

The thing is...Steve would gladly let him leave. If he believed a single thing Billy was saying, he would not try to hold Billy back. But Steve can see right through the bullshit Billy is trying to play off, and he's is not going to let the best six months of his life go up in flames just like that.

"I may be a lot of things, Billy, but I'm not stupid. I know you're lying. Just gimme one honest reason why you want to break up. One good reason and I'll let you walk right out that door and we never have to see each other again."

"Steve. Please let me go." Billy pleads through gritted teeth. But Steve ignores his plea and stands in front of him, blocking Billy's path to the door.

"Just tell me why you don't want to be with me?! If it really was just sex for then I deserve a rea--" before Steve even has a chance to react, Billy grabs him by the shoulders, his hands clawing into his shoulder blades, and thrusts the helpless pretty boy against the wall. Terror bleeds into Steve's system as his boyfriend inches closer to his face, his breathing is heavy like a savage animal.

"You want a reason? Fine." Billy spits, "You know, Steve, I've had a lot of regrets in my life but shoving my dick into you has got to be on the top of my fucking list."

Steve wants to speak but his words tangle in his throat.

"You did one nice thing for me, sure, I felt I owed you a favor, but you just kept coming back and clinging to me like a rash. I should have pushed you away while I still had the chance but then I saw the desperation in your eyes so I decided to stick around. Sure it was fun at first but then it just became pathetic."

"Y-You don't mean--"

"Oh, I mean every fucking word, Harrington. I have never met a person so pathetic as you. You have this burning need to be loved and feel wanted by your lovers, because if you don't then what's the point of you? Well, guess what, Steve? You're right. You are worthless. You are so scared that people will see how meaningless and needy you are that you break up with them before they have a chance to hurt you. Well, Nancy sure saw it and so did I. You were nothing more than a pity fuck to me, Harrington, and that is all you will ever be. You and me...we're done."

Steve stares, hurt and stunned by those cruel words. At first, he nearly falls for it, he thinks Billy's words are truly genuine, but then he catches a glimpse into the glassy reflections of Billy's eyes, and he knows that this is hurting Billy just as much as it's hurting Steve.

"Billy, I don't know what's going on with you...but I'm going to find out." Billy's harsh expression drops, but it didn't work. "You hear me. I'm giving up on us."

"Shut up."

"We're going to work this out, together, whatever shit you've gotten yourself in, I'll get you out of it."

"Shut up, Steve."

"Because no matter what, Billy Hargrove, I lo--"

"I SAID SHUT UP!!!" Without warning, Billy shoves Steve's back against the wall. And he doesn't hold back. Steve lets out a pained wail before collapsing to the ground, flakes from the cracked wall fall onto his clothes. Billy steps away with a horrified expression, there's now a large crack in the wall from where he attacked. Steve topples to the ground reeling from his agony.

Billy takes a step forward but stops himself. He heads for the door, glancing at Steve one last time, "Stay away from me, Steve." He whispers before shutting the door behind him.

*****

Saying the ride back home was a struggle would be a complete understatement. It's bad enough that the cracked windshield already blocks his line of sight, but the flooding of salty tears streaming from his eyes did him no favors.

Billy's body is still shaking. He can't believe what he has done, those words, he meant none of them, not a goddamn one! But it was the last thing he could come up with to convince Steve to stay away from him. The whole time Billy wanted to throw himself into his boyfriend's arms and beg for his help but he knew if he did the shadow would attack. It was all for nothing though, as Steve still saw through his lies.

That doesn't excuse what he did, attacking Steve like that, Billy had forgotten how strong the shadow's infection made him. But now Steve might be seriously injured, he might have damaged his spine. Billy had always made a promise to never do anything to harm Steve and yet here he is breaking said promise, he left Steve alone in his house in a pool of broken walls and pain.

He eventually reaches his small house on Cherry lane, he ignores Max and Susan as he passes them by and thankfully Neil is still out on his night shift. Billy's eyes still sting from the crying and his cheeks are rosy from the salty streaks that fell onto them. He crawls into his bed and rests his exhausted body in the fetal position, he prays that the next time he wakes up this will all be one long nightmare and when he gets up the next morning everything will be back to normal.

His hope doesn't last long, as the room begins to fill with a familiar barren coldness. The shadow emerges from thin air sporting its "Billy" façade.

"Well," it begins in an echoey tone, "I must say, William, that was quite a show. And here I thought you didn't have it in you, for a second, I thought I would have to intervene and take care of it myself."

"Let's just cut the crap," he mumbles wiping the snot away with his sleeve, "I got Steve to stay away from you, now you said you would leave him alone, you better stick to your end of the bargain."

"William, you misjudge me. As long as Steven and your sister stay away from my creation, no harm will come of them. I am a man of my word, I just hope you are a man of yours."

Billy sighs, he wipes away what is left of his tears, and stands up from his bed, he turns to face the shadow and it's like looking into a nightmarish mirror, "I will help build your creation."

The shadow smirks. It has complete control of Billy Hargrove. From now on, he listens to the sound of its voice, he does everything it asks of him, Billy is now a slave to the creature. He has no control.

Tagging: @flashwaves @every-dayiwakeup @femmebilly @intothedysphoria @officialbillyhoehargrove @prettyboybillyhargrove @bigdumbbambieyes @billysblueeyes @emeraldwitches @suometar @jad3w1ngs @usaqaix @justan-0-t-h-3-r @talesfrom-theupsidedown @hargrove-mayfields @onebrainsel @grey-sides @disdaidal @nogitsunbae @deedoop @ouizzyharringrove @memes-saved-me @martianclown @cherry-sorry

Steve hasn't left the house in six months. He hasn't left his bed in weeks. After Billy's death his mental state went into shambles. He'd wake up screaming, he refused to eat, and worse of all...he began secluding himself from all of his friends. Robin and Dustin have only ever seen him a couple of times in those six months but aside from that, his parents were the only ones who interacted with him.

Today, he spent most of the morning lying in bed wearing the yellow sweater Billy use to wear. His mom sits besides him caressing his hair which is now dry and tangled. It pains his mom to see him, she begs him to eat just a little bit of food but he still protests. After witnessing the love of his life get impaled by the creature that had possessed him, Steve feels like there's nothing left to live for, everything was taken away from him that night. All he wants to do now is lie in his bed, wishing to one day fall asleep, and never wake up.

"Stevie, honey please, you can't stay in bed forever." She pleads, "I know it's been difficult ever since Billy passed but you should at least speak to your friends."

"I'll phone them later."

"how many messages do you think are on this thing?" She leans over to grab his answering machine and places it on his bedside cabinet. "They're all worried about you. Just listen to some of these messages for me, please?" She gave him a kiss on the forehead before leaving him alone with the contraption. It takes him a while but eventually he shuffles forward on his bed and picks up the machine.

You have 10 new messages

Steve contemplates it for a second, but it not really like he's got anything better to do, so he places the answering machine beside his bed and presses play.

14:08 15 Jan-

Hey Steve, It's Robin. Just checking in again, guess what happened in family video today? So this old guy came in looking all suspicious and shit and he starts grabbing a bunch of VHS tapes, right? So just as he's coming to the counter his wife shows and he starts to FREAK OUT! he drops all the tapes, which happen to all be pornos and she goes off at him. Calling him a pig, saying he's a disgusting old perv, and I'm standing there like "uhhh...no one in this fucking place pays me enough to deal with this shit." Argh! Sorry. Rambling again. We all miss here Steve, just know that, I know you need your space right now I get it. But when you're to talk I'm right here. Okay, gotta go, Bye!

Steve smirks for the first time in the past few months. He wonders he how much it's been killing Robin not to have someone to ramble to.

12:54 25 Dec 1985-

Hey Steve! Merry Christmas!

Dustin yells out threw the machine as the static sounds of cheerful Christmas music invade the background.

Mom! Will you turn the music down please?! Sorry about that. I'm just calling to wish you a merry Christmas, I hope you're okay man,. I haven't seen you since...well...oh guess what? I finally got into the hellfire club! You know Eddie Munson, leader and dungeon master, he caused another scene in the cafeteria today even though it was totally justified. When the teachers came to question him, I decided to stick up for him and he liked my confidence. I've been waiting forever to join to his club and I finally got in...OKAY MOM! I gotta go have dinner but tomorrow I'll come by and drop off your gift. Merry Christmas Steve.

Steve still has his Christmas present, a framed photo of him, Robin and Dustin hiding in the back of scoops ahoy, their faces covered in ice cream. Steve will occasionally pick it up from the window sill and reminisce about those days. He picks up the photo and looks at it fondly trying to forget about the person taking the photo.

14:43 12 Sep 1985-

Umm...hi Steve. How are you feeling?

It's Dustin again only this time the tone of his voice is drastically different. He's less perky than in the previous voicemail. Dustin, Robin and Steve didn't have a proper conversation until late October so it's no wonder that he's a little timid here.

So it's been a while we last talked. How are you holding up? I've really missed you and I didn't know if I should come over or call or what. My mom said I should give you some space. But whenever you want to chat I'm right here... alright. Bye.

18:23 6 sept 1985-

STEVE! Hi, I don't know if you can hear me that well. Its Joyce Byers. Jonathan's mom.

The poor quality of the audio crackles through the machine as Joyce's voice enhances as it tries to automatically set the volume from the previous message. Steve lightly slams the machine which seems to stop the crackling a little.

Sorry if the sounds is not great. I'm calling on a payphone right now, the connection at this motel is horrible. Listen I don't a lot of time left on this thing but there's someone here who wants to speak with you.

There's a brief moment of dead silence with inaudible muffling on the other end.

Steve?...

He can't answer you sweetie.

Oh. Hi, it's El. Just wanted to see how you are. We'll be in California in few weeks, we're going to go down to Santa Monica pier. That was his favourite place to go to in the summer. When I was travelling through Billy's memories you were in a lot of them, you made him really happy you k--

Steve skips over to the next message. He knows how the rest of these are going to go, it doesn't matter how sincere they are, to Steve it's nothing but a million voices repeatedly pitying him. Well Steve doesn't want their pity. He doesn't want to be reminded of everything he's lost. He skips past the next five messages, only listening to them for a brief moment just praying it has nothing to do with Billy. But each one is the exact same with a new voice. He pictures Billy in his last few seconds of breathing as each new message plays and he hates it. Steve doesn't want to remember Billy like that, but the memory of that day has been plaguing his mind for so long it's all he can think about. He's about ready to throw the damn machine against the wall until he reaches the final message.

00:34 2 July 1985-

Steve...

That voice. He thought he'd never hear that voice again. Steve sits up in his bed astonished, tears already glazing his eyes, he lifts the answering machine onto lap. All others sounds around tune out, the world goes silent, expect for his voice. His scared little voice.

I know it's late. I would've come by scoops I just...I don't think I can be around right now. I can't be around anyone. I…I don't know what's happening to me, it feels like there's some kind of poison in me, I don't have any control of my own body anymore. I want to tell you everything, I swear I do, but he won't let me. This shadow. It's been following me, it suffocates me the second I try to tell anyone the truth. I know this sounds stupid but you have to believe me. He's making me do things...awful things. I want to see you but I'm afraid if I do, he'll make me do to you what I did to those people.

The pitch of his voice is high. He's trying his best not to break down into a blubbering mess. Steve remembers the time, around this time he was investigating a secret Russian base underneath the mall. Maybe if he had been smarter and decided to go home that night instead, he could've gotten this message and done something to prevent all the shit that went down. He lives with that guilt everyday.

I can't stop him. He's making me build something for him. I've helped created, I've seen it Steve, I know what will d--

Billy begins to choke on his words as the monster within him begins seeping through. He hears Billy pull the phone away from him and yell out to someone or something but there seems to be no response.

I feel like I've failed you. I feel like I've failed Max, failed everyone, I'm so so sorry. Steve...I don't think I'm going to make it out of this alive. If I don't...just know I loved you. I really loved you, baby, and tell Max I loved her too, I never got to tell her that myself. Listen Stevie, I need you to do something for me if I die...I need you to take care of Max. She doesn't have anyone to look out for her, she needs that, Max is a weird kid but she needs someone to love her just like any other kid. Don't leave her to turn into another me...Ok. I don't...I don't think I can hold him back much longer. Bye, Steve, I love y--

YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES

The teardrops pool down Steve's cheeks. How could he be so selfish? For all the brooding and mourning he had been doing for the past six months, making everyone else feel like shit for going out of their way to cheer him up, Max has been going a similar situation. If not a worse situation. Billy was her brother, they of had a rocky relationship but he was trying to be a good brother, even if he had a weird way of showing it.

Billy would speak fondly of Max in private when it was just him and Steve but never to her face. He had been working up the courage to say I love you to her but now she'll never hear those words escape his mouth. Max will never truly know what she meant to Billy.

For the first time in weeks Steve gets out of bed. It's like a weird surge of adrenaline enters his body but he doesn't care, Steve throws the duvet off of himself and takes his dust-covered keys from his drawer, he bolts for the door ignoring his parents entirely. He drives around town for a good few minutes, his first instinct was to go to the Hargrove's residence but he remembered that Max was never home at this time of day. Eventually he makes it to the junkyard where a gloomy young redhead is sitting on a rotting couch with Billy's Walkman on.

"Steve?" Max utters slightly confused as she swears she told no one she would be here. Steve towers over her awkwardly, realizing he hadn't thought out what he was going to say. "How did you find me?"

"I had a hunch you'd be here. You mind if I join you?" Max shrugs and shuffles over to give him space to sit on the mouldy couch. "So... I know things have been pretty shitty and--"

"God, Steve really?!"

"I know. I know you don't want to hear the same, "I'm sorry for your loss" pity speech. I just came to apologize for the way I've been acting."

Max raises an eyebrow at him.

"Cause for the past six months I had been making this all about me. I've been acting like a child just sulking in my room all day and ignoring everyone that I didn't even stop to think about you. I lost my boyfriend but you lost your brother. I came here to tell you that...he loved you."

"what?"

"He loved you," Steve reiterates, "I wanted to say that to you for so long but never found the right opportunity. I know it didn't seem like it, but he thought the world of you, Max. He wasn't a perfect brother, sure. But he wanted to be better for you."

Max looks down at her feet speechless. She knows that she was his shitty little sister, but she never really thought Billy saw her as anything beyond that. To hear she meant so much more to him, makes the aching pain in her heart burn like wildfire.

"yeah so, anyways, I just thought you should know that. I'm gonna go but just so you know, from now on, if you need anything I am always here for you. Billy would've wanted me to take care of you so... I'll just...yeah." Steve can sense an awkward tension growing between them so he removes himself from the couch and makes his way over to his BMW.

"Hey Steve!" Max calls out just as he's opening the car door, "do you think you can give me a ride home?"

Steve gives Max a little smile before opening the passenger side for her. As he drives her through the streets of Hawkins he can see Max begin to fall asleep against the window in the rear view mirror. Steve remembers that has the keys to Billy's Camaro. Maybe when Max is older he can teach her to drive and then she could take ownership of the vehicle.

Billy wanted to have that sibling connection with Max for so long, he just had a bad time at opening up that it usually strained his relationship with others. Now he'll never get to have the chance to be a real brother. Steve knows he'll never be Max's brother but he can at least be someone she can rely on, someone who can look out for her, it's what Billy would've wanted. Someone to make sure she doesn't have the same childhood he did.

Kinda wanna runaway. Disappear.

I think I need therapy but I'm too scared to ask for help...

I miss reddie

Time to go to bed (read fics until 3am)

stevehharringtcns·:

.

steve couldn’t help but to smirk at eddie once he repeated his words, shaking his head slowly as he held the other close. he remembered that night so well, but not for a moment he thought that eddie was flirting with him. maybe he was just oblivious to that, but considering that he was used to flirting, he should have known. “well, you know, i thought you were interested in… something else.” he said with a shrug, letting those thoughts creep into the back of his mind again. he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe eddie hadn’t been flirting with him during that night, but instead he was flirting with someone else. but he didn’t want to get into detail.

he let out a light chuckle fall from his lips as he heard eddie, his hands never leaving the other’s body. he didn’t want to let him go, he could stay like this for the rest of the night if he could. he smiled at the other, shrugging his shoulders. “that wouldn’t be half bad. i would suggest we go for a swim, but i don’t think lover’s lake is the best place to swim.” he said with yet another chuckle, but the truth was that he really couldn’t stand the idea of going out into that lake ever again.

at the mention of the yellow sweater, steve was a little surprised that eddie remembered it. he didn’t even remember the last time he had worn it, but apparently he had worn it enough times for eddie to remember. “you want my yellow sweater? i’m sorry, but i just love it too much, i can’t let it go…” he said as he squeezed the other’s hips with a smile, teasing him as he kissed his cheek for a couple of moments and then looked at eddie. “maybe… we’ll see. i have tons of clothes you can go through.” he said with a nod.

he kept kissing the other passionately, pulling him closer every second. it felt right to be this close with eddie, but he still felt like the two needed to talk. if not only to know what… well, what they were. steve wasn’t sure about it, but he needed to understand. it wasn’t easy for him to just go around kissing eddie like everything was alright, but in all honesty, steve cared about him. it was obvious that they weren’t just friends anymore. “i just…” he said.

but he was interrupted by eddie speaking. steve wasn’t even sure if he had an answer for that, but he didn’t think all of those things. he let eddie finish and just as he was about to open his mouth to talk, he heard the cabin door opening and his first instinct was to let go of eddie and take a step back from him. he didn’t even think about it or the impact that it would have, especially when eddie had just said all of those things. “wait, eddie…” he said as he took a step forward to get closer to him again. “i don’t…” he said, trying to figure out what to say. “can we talk somewhere quieter?” he asked, now in a whisper, as he looked over at the person who had just walked inside of the cabin and then back at eddie.

+++

eddie furrowed his brows, trying to search the expression behind steve's eyes, he pulled back slightly. "'something else'? like, what, steve? you keep talking in riddles.... hey, you should try dm-ing sometime at hellfire. that'd be hot." eddie gave him a tongue in teeth grin, swaying side to side as he got closer to him again. and despite the warmth of the day cooling down, eddie suddenly felt oddly warm, with steve's arms wrapped snugly around him. it was dangerous, how quickly he'd gotten used to it.

eddie grimaced, gave steve an over-exaggerated full body shiver at the mention of going swimming. yeah, no, all of the kings guards and all of the kings men couldn't get him back into that lake. no matter how hot hawkins got in the summer, eddie would gladly take the community pool or any other body of water over lover's lake.

"no, steve, no offense but your other clothes just won't do. it has to be the yellow sweater.", eddie said, whined almost, and shrugged. "won't settle for less, big boy."

and eddie had leaned back in again, ready for the requested last kiss to smooth the hit of steve's rejection when the cabin door suddenly swung open and steve all but leaped from his arms. with fluttering lids, brows drawn together and his lips parted slightly, he exhaled shakily, watched steve closely as he took a step towards him again. as he did, eddie took one back. pulling his lip in with his teeth, he gave a weak scoff.

"i see.", eddie said quietly, spat almost. he didn't miss how steve's gaze drifted to the side but he didn't bother follow it, eddie couldn't give two fucks about who had just walked in, interrupted their moment. he gulped, scrunched his nose up, eyes darting between steve's. breath going faster, hear threatening to burst out of his chest, but not in the way it had the first time he and steve had kissed, for example. no this was the exact opposite of that happy, excited feeling.

eddie pressed his tongue to the roof of hiw mouth when he felt his eyes water, he'd read somewhere that that stopped you from crying. and he really didn't want to give steve the satisfaction of crying in front of him.

"you know what, harrington? spare me your... explanations, apologies, whatever. i’m not mad, promise.", accentuating his words with exaggerated gestures, hands flying about. "i don't really care what this was for you, steve. some... experiment, a little joke with your jock friends or... i don't know, releasing some tension after wheeler dumped you. whatever." he shrugged. "i don't.... care, steve, really. but.... i thought we were friends. you didn't have to be so fucking mean about it."

voice a little shaker now, eddie let out a sad chuckle, scratched the back of his neck. "see you around, king steve.", he whispered, averted his gaze and walked past steve out the cabin.

Oooo mental break down part two, Electric Boogaloo

I am a hop skip and a jump away from a mental break down, so I’m gonna go watch my silly little lego show about spinning ninjas, and draw art of my Minecraft Piglin OC✌️