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Hey..... So how is everyone after arcane s2 act 3?. Bad? Well so am i!
So back to my au i go!!
*viktor holding a buque of roses with a card sticking out of it, the card writes for my love~*
Viktor: jayce? What is this.
Jayce: Uh...! That's form powder!
Viktor, yealing to powder from across the room: powder do you love me?
Powder, yealing back: depends...!
Viktor, staring into jayces soul: ...
Jayce: ... They didn't have any that said to my lab partner..
Vi: You’re giving me a sticker?
Caitlyn: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”
Vi: I’m not a preschooler.
Caitlyn: Fine, I’ll take it back-
Vi: I earned this, back off!
Caitlyn: That’s not fair, any idiot would know that.
Vi: I knew that!
Caitlyn: See!
Sevika: Remeber when you didn’t try to solve all your problems with attempted murder?
Silco: Stop romanticizing the past.
Jayce: I’m 10 times funnier and sexier than you.
Viktor: 10 times 0 is still 0 though.
Jayce: Jokes on you I can’t do math.
Jayce: I actually have a black belt.
Viktor: In what, karate?
Jayce: No, from Gucci.
Jinx: Okay. I get it. You’ve had a really hard time lately, you’re stressed out, seven people died.
Silco: Twelve, actually.
Jinx: Not the point. Look, they are dead now and really whose fault is that?
Silco: Yours!
Jinx: That’s right: no one’s.
Caitlyn: So, that’s my plan.
Vi: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Caitlyn: No, go ahead. I want to hear it.
Vi: It fucking sucks.
Caitlyn: Thats not constructive criticism.
Viktor, addressing the counsel: And of you have any questions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.
Jayce: But… that’s just the trash can.
Viktor: It sure is! And if you have a problem with it feel free to drop it in here and I will handle it as soon as possible.
Viktor: God, give me patience.
Jayce: I think you mean give me strength.
Viktor: If god gave me strength, you’d be dead.
Caitlyn: You’re right.
Vi: Wow! That’s an unusual phrase for you. Did… did you just learn it?
Caitlyn: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment.
Singed: *in the shadows* Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly. And I have a couple spare ones already. Look at you helping me save the environment and even better helping me save money. Thank you.
Caitlyn: That’s not what I- Never mind. Go crazy.
*Jayce and Viktor entering a dive bar*
Viktor: Look I know you’re disappointed but could we at least have a drink.
Jayce, in scuba diving suit: I would like to leave please.
Viktor: I just don’t understand why you would wear something like that.
Jayce: YOU DIDNT CLARIFY WHAT THE DRESS CODE WAS FOR OUR LITTLE OUTING. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A SCUBA SUIT IN MY SIZE! I AM A BIG MAN VIKTOR! NO YOU EMBARRASSED ME AND THE SUIT IS RIDING AND ITS GIVING ME THIS WEIRD RASH-
Viktor: Alright we are leaving. Me and my big mouth.
Jayce: Look. I may not be a saint, but it’s not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw that the owner lived out of state so I just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Viktor: That’s weirdly specific. Are you sure you haven’t-
Jayce: I was just giving an example. No need to look too much into it.
Jayce: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Viktor: Jayce, you don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you’re a dumbass.
Jayce: Duly noted.
Caitlyn: *getting down on one knee*
Vi: It’s finally happening.
Caitlyn: *falls over*
Jinx: *whispering* The poison is kicking in.
Claggor: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
Vi: That’s the most hopeful thing I’ve ever heard.
Mylo: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
Powder/Jinx: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
*And then they all got blown up by someone that rhymes with mowder/pinx. The end*
Jayce: I’m incredibly fast at math.
Viktor: Alright, what’s 30x17
Jayce: 295.
Viktor: That’s not even close.
Jayce: But it was fast.
Viktor: But-
Jayce: I SAID I WAS FAST AT MATH AND THAT WAS FAST. NO BUTS TAKE MY COOLNESS OR LEAVE IT.
Jayce, struggling to keep upright in his 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me.
Vi: It’s cause your posture is all wrong and those shoes were made for smaller feet. We just need a bigger size.
Viktor, pointing at him and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK
Caitlyn rubbing her temples and sighing: What have I done to deserve this? Please tell me.
…
Caitlyn: GET OUT OF MY CLOSET. ALL OF YOU! NOW!
Vi: I am going to hell.
Jinx: Probably.
Vi: I’ll pick you up?
Jinx nodding: Carpool.
Jayce, holding in his laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
Viktor: A glass of water is an inanimate object.Therefore, it’s incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language. Like you in more ways than one.
Jayce: …
Jayce: Water you doing?
Sevika: There are no more swear words in this house. If one is said you will have to deal with the boss.
Powder/Jinx: Heck.
Sevika: You’re on thin fucking ice kid.
Silco: …
Sevika: Dammit.
Caitlyn: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Viktor turning to Jayce: How tall are you?
Viktor, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career.
Jayce, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.
Caitlyn: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Jayce: Playing systematic oppression
Viktor: Jayce, you’re testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the DA is worried about how you will present yourself on the stand.
Jayce: Why? I’m fine on the stand?
*flashback to testimony #1*
Jayce: Look, I’ll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.
Jayce: MAN. DID. CRIME.
*flashback to testimony #2*
Jayce: I’m sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Mel, next to the crying defendant: … Crying?
*flashback to testimony #3
Jayce: And when this is over, I’m gonna find you and I’m gonna break all those little fingers.
Mel: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?
Caitlyn: That’s illegal, right?
Vi: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop?
Caitlyn: No… not anymore that is-
Vi: Then shut the fuck up.
Jayce: Question. When they shot Bambi’s mother, did you find that a sad moment … at all?
Viktor: I’m sure she’s mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
Caitlyn: Life could be a lot worse, Vi.
Vi: Life could be a lot better too?
Jayce: Can I be frank with you guys?
Viktor: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Vi: Can I still be Vi?
Caitlyn: Shh, let Frank speak.
Jinx: You … you saved me. You’re not a beast at all. YOU’RE A HERO, AN UGLY UGLY UGLY HERO!
Caitlyn: Call me ugly again, and maybe I’ll eat you.