Inner Thoughts - Blog Posts

This is exactly how I remember it.

A family vacation coming up

The day before we leave

She was super excited about it just yesterday,

But I noticed she seemed a little sad.

Today its just...distant.

Quiet...short responses...but most of all

The feeling 8n the air itself that terrible things are about to happen.

It's easier now, to see that it is probably my ptsd...

But it does confirm that there is ptsd to work through, and that makes me sad.

Because I'm fidgeting just hoping and praying and doing everything in my power to be kind and thoughtful and PERFECT

Because I trained myself for years to avoid the outburst I could never keep from coming.

Laughter feels good for about 3 seconds.

Then melancholy quickly plummets into despair and longing.

Must ignore

Must push back

d o n t t h i n k a b o u t i t

Sometimes trying to remind yourself that a new love-interest won't help is like trying to convince a diabetic that even a little sugar is bad for them.

Thinking about a future without you used to fill me with feelings of dissatisfaction.

Now, with no other options, it fills me with grief. A dread so deep, you almost don't want to.

I really don't want to...

Envisioning a future, a happy future, without you is more difficult for me than imagining I am a dragon or a shrimp. It feels empty and fake; a blank page covered in brand-name stamps.

Today's not really different.

Just another fucking day.

Wake up, get dressed, go to work and wait.

Waiting is what got me here

Waiting for something impossible to happen.

We should have left the first time you asked me.

But you wanted me to finish college,

Wanted me to follow my dreams.

Too bad you couldn't summon the strength when you most needed it

To keep holding on for me.

I had hoped you'd do it for yourself,

But clearly

Neither of those were enough.

The nature of our relationship was not one born of lust or desire. It was irrational, illogical, and instinctual.

Ours is a connection, a magnetism, two polarized forces turned to attract the other. It is an orbit born of gravity and inertia, a centripetal force between us two constantly keeping our centers inseparable.

I felt you in my chest, beneath my sternum, and in my gut, between the hollow of my ribs. I feel the place where our souls used to dance like a giant's fist has ripped out my insides.

I want to scream, and everytime silence finds me, crawls inside me all I hear is my broken voice screaming your name until my lungs ache and my throat bleeds and my blood drips from the corners of my mouth and all I taste is salt.

I have lost the desire to numb myself because I know there is nothing that will numb me. Anything I do will crank my ribs open and lay everything I no longer have bare for anyone to see. It is a dark bloody husk inside my chest with shriveled lungs and a bruised heart that kept beating for you and believed in your promises and aspirations.

My grief is unmatchable, it refused to grow and move, I remain stuck now as I have for the past two munths; in firm denial.

Our connection is irrational, illogical...

And now so am I.

People always say "you matter in this world and to others", I know I matter.

People always say "you can get through it", I know I can.

People always say "you will get better", I know I will...

People always say "you can be happy", I'm sure I can.

People always say "it will get better", statistically that is fact.

People always say "you never know", and they are correct.

People always say "you are not alone", and I'm not.

But the person who mattered is gone, I don't want to fight anymore, I want to be better, but I don't want a different happiness, I don't want a new better, I know he is gone, the person I most wanted to be with is gone.

I matter, I know it will pass but sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to take the only option I have to get him back...

But I won't.

Because he made me a promise, and now that promise is mine to uphold.

I promised I would live on...so I will.

No matter what.

Today is hard and horrible; my wounds gaping and sore. Every moment brings another knife of memory from before.

Anger pulses through me followed by crippling sadness. I feel nothing but my own craving for madness.

I'd give anything, everything, just to go back; just to wake up hung over after New Years again.

I would do so much different, and so much the same, but in the end my only goal would be to save you.

You: passionate, loyal, brave and kind. Cursed and playful with a magnificent mind.

It's almost been two months and I still cannot see how there is any possibility that you gave up on me.

Yesterday was hard, today is much the same. My sobriety is one of the few things I have left that are purely good and I am happy to say that just for today I feel happy being and staying sober. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better.

And if they don't, we'll at least I can look forward to the end.

Being obsessed with hetalia in the big 2025 cannot be okay. I JUST GOT INTO IT TOO

Anyways I love Kiku Honda, he’s my ultra favorite ever.

Speedpaint‼️

brushing my teeth after an interdimensional incident. I wash my face. I put the towel to my face and my skin flakes off as I turn to bone

I have two personality one who wants to talk nicely and keep good relation with anyone and it is genuine but dusra wala thoda tharki ho jaata hai jo kabhi kabhi sexting karne ka man karta hai but ho dono me se kuchh nhi rha 😂

See what a little care made. When you care about you like you care about this flower you would bloom beautiful too

Rebel against something today. Not to feel cheesy, but maybe , just maybe , it’ll be the beginning of something you.

And no, this isn’t motivation. This is a battle note.

Man is capable of loving.

The life and the dream in Chicago.

Death will find me dead.

Fear is long gone.

My prayers, oh God,

seem to be answered

by the devil.

When I prayed to make my momma proud,

she was taken instead.

And when I asked for the voices

inside me to quiet,

they raged,

trying to burn this

little brain of mine,

ordering me to do

things,

things that could drive me insane.

God,

should I pray in an opposite manner now?

rantandreleasespace@gmail.com

sometimes you want to deep talk. other times, laugh at how unfair life is. then there are days you want to be crude as hell, unfiltered, messy, real.

but...

social media feels too loud. friends feel too busy. texting feels dry. even your notes app is tired of you.

and still... the heart swells. the mind spins. the soul aches for softness. for being heard without performing. for depth without interruption.

that’s how rant and release was born.

for the ones who: → overthink everything. → replay conversations or decisions on loop. → feel it all and still carry it all. → need to vent but don’t want pity. → want to share but not with just anybody.

it’s old-style. it’s basic. it’s messy. but I promise — when you find me there, we’ll laugh at life together, get scared together, maybe even get cruder together. because in there, it’s us against life.

one email away: rantandreleasespace@gmail.com

no rules. no perfection. just human. though, NOT THERAPY.

Together, I am isolated. Alone, I bloom.

People will never look like flowers.

Death is all I want to test now. I have had a glimpse at everything possible. Death, can you find me please?

God or No God ? No God.

Well, No GOD !

no Existence no Love no Science no Atheism no Self no Facebook.

…so well then, GOD.

After all, writing isn’t the whole damn world. Fuck this writer’s block.

I’ll walk around, watch Béla Tarr or Andrei. I’ll call Joyce she never runs out of words.

Or I’ll sleep it off, because I refuse to let a blank page make me consider the unthinkable.

There’s nothing to be pressured about.

The chance of dying without ever tasting what you crave is real, and alive, breathing down your neck.

And no amount of pressure will ever change that.

The fate of love keeps my wait warm, knowing that I will find you, love you, and show this world that deep within me, there was always love waiting to break free.

The whole world isn’t mine, true, but my world, my world is mine.

And I felt it— the weight that kept me in bed, a heavy stone on my back.

My mom had paid hefty fees for private school, but even that couldn’t make me smile— or, to say it right, help me understand myself.

Worse, my dad loved me, but even with what others yearned for, I was no happier than them.

So, in my bed, I realized— I had to find myself, to accept myself, to love myself first, before the other loves could truly reach me.

And maybe then, I could pursue the happiness I wanted. As hard as it might be, the stars had assured me— it was a hopeful gamble, maybe.

We shall overcome, the brutality of life

I waited for a "go, do it," but all that came was "boy, don't do it."

I waited for a "yeah, that's my boy," but all I heard was "shit, what you're doing is shit."

I kept waiting for their acceptance, until hope faded like the day into the darkness of the night.

And so, I accepted myself, invited myself, and cheered myself.

To say it right, the cake was baked by me, and eaten by me. Full stop.