Poetscommunity - Blog Posts

The Taste of Stale Ink

Ink the backbone of life. Bleeds unwritten.

Swallow back the blue

See how blotches gather under skin.

Cloying, Choking, All Engulfing

Embittered Stagnation.

a due extracted

It Was Greed That Demanded

And Fear Who Commanded

Hope is Thanks. so thank the dirt

from which

Ink and Blood came

breathe.

Be Grateful and Live.

it’s what you still have

Drop a follow on my Instagram to keep up to date…

On moving out

We are all still here together

The sound of my brother’s guitar still creeps into my room long after his 11pm curfew

Next year those fugitive notes will wind themselves furtively through other walls

This summer though, everyone’s shoes still sit on the shoe rack

The key hooks are full

We still buy sultana bran and jatz crackers and his brand of shaving cream when we go shopping

This summer feels like a full moon

Whole and round, like a cake nobody has cut into

Yet

It’s candles are flickering brightly

But I can hear the first chords of happy birthday

He will come back, of course.

But will he have grown while I’m not looking?

A tree falling in a forest full of people other people I don’t know

Schroedinger’s little brother

What will I no longer know about him

This bright creature, eagerly unfurling from his chrysalis while I still find myself wriggling, fuzzy and green

Curly headed rogue

I will send all of my nicest things with you

Pistachio cake and dandelion wishes and that warm staticky feeling when you get the harmony just right

Recount your adventures to me when you get home

Who knows? Maybe when you return I will have grown too

and we will show each other our new colours

Happy National Poetry Month!

Poetry recs:

“On Meeting a Stranger in a Bookshop” by Oscar Williams

“Clean Socks” by Anna Kate Stanley

“14 Lines from Love Letters or Suicide Notes” by Doc Luben

“2AM, and the Rabbinical Students Stand in their Bathrobes” by Yehoshua November

“I Remembered” by Sara Teasdale

“a poem to all the dead things” by Ava (@amethyst.hour on Instagram)

“The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe

“I want to see the tulips in Holland.” by @byrdieprose

Aksar jab tanhaa si hoti hu , Mujhe duniya begaani si lagti hai ,  Fir ek tumhari yaad aati hai , Or firse ye shaame suhani si lagti hai!!

I will pretend that someone out there is reading my work !! maybe then I will write more often

The bird cries,

it sails through the skies as its flock demands,

and skims the seas bustling with life,

The bird flies,

it whisks past windows as whimsy commands,

and holds the suns hands,

when she reaches high up above all lands,

The bird stands,

it will lay with its feather,

when it finds the promised land it will rest forever,

The bird lands,

It understands,

It lays down in man-made sand,

The bird cries.

We are a whole lifetime away.

Then why are we pretending to be closer?

With every hour that fades as the morning comes,

we move away from each other slowly.

Like the ticking of a tired clock,

the moments we stole are going too fast.

I never want to let go of your hand,

but when morning comes how do I make you stay?

I don't have any thing more to give you,

and all that you can say has already been said.

We knew we'll fade with the first sunrise.

But then why does letting go feel so much like dying.

I wish the night could stretch on for eternity.

Hold each other here under the soft moonlight.

We're meant to walk away from the other,

but our hearts can't help run back to each other.

There are a million stars in the sky tonight,

but there are a million more unshed tears in our eyes.

The horizon is starting to turn pink now.

Your hand is too warm to let go.

Sunrises are the most beautiful thing there is.

But not when it takes you away from me.

Let this sunrise come and go.

Maybe we can close our eyes and pretend the night is still young.

Darts

Forever playing darts with my heart.

Dicing it to pieces.

Lost in the blackness.

Acting so wouldn’t see the sadness.

You was the captain of my madness.

Taking my breath away.

Now I can’t feel nothing.

Haven’t crushed in a minute.

Can’t get the same high.

The L different but the smoke keep showing you.

Then I realize y’all one in the same.

Only here for the moment.

Diamonds

My emotions in a gutter.

Struggling to recover but I smile, it stop all the questions.

They can’t relate to the hurting of my essence.

Miss using my presence.

Saying I’m precious but only when I have blessings.

Never when I’m looking for guidance.

I’m sinking under the weight of the world.

All this pressure but can’t make diamonds.

Peeling Spring

It’s a citrus kinda day,

Sour sweet oranges and yellows,

I am filled with a tingling on my tongue,

And the smell of summer,

I’m alive,

My hands are sticky,

And taste of tangerines,

It is bright out,

But I’m not blinded,

The sun is in my eyes,

But I remembered my sunglasses,

I’m alive

I meet my friends, I laugh, I cry

Well, I think, it's not so bad being alive.

We hug eachother and say goodbye

With a promise to meet again held in each of our eyes.

I wave as I watch them leave, smile lingering just a second longer

My chest is so full of love yet I've never felt calmer.

If only I could keep feeling this way

I know I wouldn't want to run so far away

To a place I hope no one I love walks into

Untill they're old and grey.

-scaredofmyvoice

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice

Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire

Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher

Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control

Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.

Maybe this is why I sought after ways

To find any sort of control

When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt

For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.

I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times

The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well

Someone please, save me from myself.

I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.

Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame

Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.

No one's coming I've got to save myself

All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.

So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms

And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.

"I need help", these words I choked out finally

One big step towards a better rope at the end

I'm slowly making my way towards it,

Are you proud of me yet?

-scaredofmyvoice

I'm used to walking behind people,

When the sidewalk's too small for us all.

I'm used to walking behind people,

I now do it all the time without a single thought at all.

If I walk behind them, I won't loose sight of them

If I walk behind them, I wont be abandoned then.

Because all I have to do is keep up my pace

Because all I have to see are footprints to trace.

I feel awkward when I'm in front of them

I feel out of place when I walk side by side

I feel lonely when I hear conversations behind me

I feel nervous when either side I see their eyes on me, keen.

But if I'm behind, people don't usually mind.

This is why I don't know how to react

Now that she stops and pulls me to walk with her.

This is why I feel guilty and undeserving

When she gets behind me to walk,

When the sidewalk's a narrow slot.

That shouldn't be done by someone like you, i think

You should be in the front laughing and talking.

Tagging along, trying to piece together what the rest are saying at a distance,

That should be done by someone like me.

-scaredofmyvoice

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know you to be so kind,

But why not to yourself.

I know you to be so patient,

But why not with yourself.

I know you give second chances

Saying you'll trust and face the consequences

Rather than doubting and regretting

About what might have been.

I know you to be so helpful

I know you to be so forgiving

But sweet , sweet child when it comes to you,

Why are your feelings so unnerving.

Why do you hate yourself so loudly

When you're someone so sweet

Who wears their heart on their sleeves proudly

And smiles at everyone they meet.

Why do you think you're undeserving

Of love , of kindness and of everything you give

Who said you only deserve pain and agony?

Whoever said that , lied to you.

You're someone who deserves kindness too

And no greater kindness can come from someone other than you.

-scaredofmyvoice

catharsis burns

a sketch lined palm

it pains, it crutches

liberty, jealous harm

her virgin match

strikes the ardour

It falls, it fails

scalding, icy balm

Words by me // Catharsis

Words by me, inspired by the bookplate (right) by Robert Budzinski from “Das Exlibris der Dame”, Richard Braungart, 1923. // ©thisisafault.

Stitched holes in my black boots with fishing line Laced in memories of the hotel room we danced in The night you told me this city wasn't yours anymore Yet I would forever be your favourite home Tattered clothing held together by rows of safety pins Keeping the places you touched in tact a little longer So afraid of the day there's one wash too many And the scent of your shampoo leaves for good Duct tape over every seam of my messenger bag Desperate to hold together our long and messy history Carrying the last stray hairs of yours that held on Rested by crumpled receipts from times we'd share Laminated covers over every message you send me Collectors items, reluctantly aware I now have them all Nothing left but to sort them into colour-coded folders You always kept your desk space so well organized Maybe if I add enough paperclips this love wont fly away Just one more day, week, month, year - eternity One last second spent in the moments between us Before you end up in another beginning, someone else's arms Stationary drawers and laundry hampers can't solve this Our chapter was far too short to end where it did We still have strings I need to haphazardly mend And staples for you to punch through my heart With this final paper plane, addressed from me to you Promise I understand not everything gets to last You've grown too much to remain nostalgic any longer Though, I wonder if the sky can ever contain what you're after If we got another chance to do it all over, start from fresh Tell me, how different could our picture book possibly be? Time after time, I swear to you I would be content As long as on each page, remained versions of you and me I would've stuck to you like glue, unwavering, you know? Taping stories together, convincing myself of grand delusion While I wanted to wait for you, it burned when you didn't stay The truth is, we both deserve better than "someday" ... "You and me, someday."

Date Written: 23rd of November, 2023

I feel so worthless without your gaze on me Stare, glare, bore your eyes straight through Leave nothing of me outside of view Attention to feed from, this insatiable desire to be seen Everyone's replaceably rested in disappointing scenes Wont you please give me pity dripped nice and slow I eat it up past full then shamelessly plead for more Consume me, devour my failed youth as your dinner Make sure to savour every short coming for desert Worry, resentment, anger, lust - dancing toe to toe As long as it keeps your sights set on me I thrive to keep my audience begging on bare knees Anything that holds their vision a little longer Without the only lenses that saw me kindly How could I ever see myself the same? Maybe it's why I search for affection in others despair Why I've chosen to dance, and bleed, and die Come, watch me violently wither by my own hands So long as it's witnessed, so long as it's real I don't care if you hate me, just say my name

Date Written: 28th of November, 2023

Honest to whatever gods may be out there waiting on me, I love being the big spoon. I love wrapping myself around you as you chirp and sigh in your sleep, an enchanting orchestra of early morning comforts sung from the careful ridges of your spine. I love when you curl into my side in search of safety from the world, assured with no doubts that nothing bad can ever reach you beneath my loving gaze. I love the gentle kisses you'll place down my cheek to my neck as I bring you breakfast in bed and wake you up slowly to the quiet melodies of your favourite song. A private exhibition of love, learnt how to play on my old beat up guitar just for you. And though the duct tape on its sides warps the sound and there is a slight pressure placed on my heartbeat as I vulnerably share such an armature rendition - when you tell me you have never felt more loved, I decide to make a habit of my foolery for as long as these breaths shall last.

Date Written: 17th of November, 2023

We walk around the city as you reach out to grab my hand, I let you and in an attempt to hide from the rain, We wind up back at your place. Burrowed deep beneath the bedsheets, Both aware this wont last, But placated to keep ourselves here a little longer In exchange for the warmth that lies in another's heartbeat. Sweet passing conversations, thoughts of looking forward To learning the details of each other's hairlines, If only in a future that wasn't destined to realize with someone else. Never quite you and never fully me, I quietly think to myself. The stormy season hasn't ended just yet and for now, The touch of your lips is still an ever present sensation. So we lend ourselves to the shielded walls of early 2000s romcoms And the belief that either of us will ever be enough. At least until the sun is ready to come into our lives again, At least until we can tell ourselves the truth.

Date Written: 8th of November, 2023

Sometimes I think to myself my heart must smell the same as my room, full of smoke and blood and air thick with the sickly sweet fragrance of regret. Maybe if these wrists drip a little more, my inner child will learn what it means to win.

A victory.

A reward.

A choice.

I hope peace tastes like the clarity I've only known to last in the quieter seconds, where a favourite song plays and suddenly the rain doesn't drip quite as heavy as before. Where you're standing at a crossing next to someone and they smile at you and say "I like your t-shirt", and flustered you say back "I like your tattoos, thanks" and go your separate ways when the lights change.

Both better, neither changed.

Where you look in the mirror to see the face you haven't felt close to in years, no longer cracked.

A ghost's perfect portrait.

Date Written: 28th of October, 2023

Letter #31

I wanted to tell myself that it's all part of the process, but now, I know this isn't what healing feels like.

Date Written: 18th of October, 2023

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023

Letter #29

As I stare upon the reflection of my glass Containing the same thing I know May very well be what kills me one day I feel nothing. It's just me, my thoughts And the numb taste of an indulgent slow decline Deadline in hand, waiting on empty promises. I feel absolutely nothing.

Date Written: 1st of October, 2023

Letter #28

"You mean something to me, But yours or anyone else's care does not." Such simple, unassuming words Words ordinarily placed that would seem so innocent Yet, they come from you They come from you and that breaks me From you, they come with an unintentional, cruel, agonizing truth The words I hoped to hear one day Those three little words laced in honey so sickly sweet I will never hear them Not in the way I need to, anyway Never in the way I need to Love is not just a feeling It is a deep seated rule that we plead with at night It is a peace encased with care I would live for you, I would die for you I would give it all in a heartbeat But you don't wish for that So I exist amongst separate breaths Quietly, with promise To love is to know the person I see And the person that stands in front of me Despite their shared love of the number 8 Despite their infectious laughter echoing the same chorus Are entirely different beings One of them I will never know Both, I choose to love I helplessly love I unavoidably, inevitably love You are you, and I love you I love you without need for reciprocation I love you with only good will To love is to know I will never see you completely And indulge in what bliss it is to adore the shadows "You mean something to me, But yours or anyone else's care does not." To say that hearing those words All while knowing love stems from care That love is treasuring another's words and being Didn't hurt? I cannot lie. Simply, I love you Eight little letters laced in fiction so densely dreamt Words I wish I could hear spoken from your lips Truthfully, wholly, willingly You and your care mean everything to me. I only wish that I didn't have the sense to know I'm alone

Date Written: 26th of July, 2023

Letter #27

How many wounds can a human body take Before it inevitably falls into ruin? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions, perhaps? As my wrists join my shoulders, Join my torso, join my chest, Join my ankles, join my toes, Join my neck, join my back, Join each and every lasting scrap Of what remains to be my face Dripping at an ever rapid pace I guess time shall try the test Seeking battle to heal it's best Before my demons rip me of all flesh A bag of bones in wait to be refreshed Sunlight, their everlasting summer At last red no longer the only colour I do not know which side I want to win I only know I no longer feel the hands of fear Only numbness and a longing for the air To hold every inch of me it cannot yet reach

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023