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Self Discovery - Blog Posts
It's been a while...
Hi, all. I apologize for my absence. I know I went AWOL for what seems like forever. I've been going through a lot of bad stuff these past few years (still hanging on by a thread) but I'm hoping to come back and reconnect with my crafts and witchy communities. I noticed that lot of blogs that I used to follow are no longer active. So, if you're an active blog that touches on any of these witchy paths, I would appreciate it if you could throw a like or reblog this post so I could follow you! ✨Kitchen ✨Green ✨Lunar ✨Tech ✨Shadow work ✨Charms ✨Hexes & Curses ✨Hearth ✨Hedge ✨Tarot ✨Elemental ✨Spoonie I'm looking to expand my old crafts and explore new ones. Thanks all and hope to get reacquainted soon. 🖤
My first pride month (sorry, there's a lot text here)
Last October, I started questioning my sexuality. I was (and still am, really) an insecure person. So when I started questioning that particular aspect of my personality, accompanying thoughts began to creep in: "Seriously? You are already 20! You never questioned yourself before, but right now decided to? Why? Got bored because of the large amount of free time? Have you forgotten, that you study at the university?! You must focus your thought on this, not that! Why don't you get back to the box, where you exist as a standard girl, who is confident at least in some parts of her identity? Where everything is more simple."
Summarize of my personal experience:
I got interested in R-rated content only because I thought that I was lagging behind the others: "Okay, my classmates got interested into all of this stuff 2 years ago. I guess I should too. That's what teens usually do, right?"
I had crushes (on fictional characters, celebrities and a few classmates), but it was more like an admiration, appreciation of their aesthetic beauty (like a sculpture or a painting) or love for their personality. And I never wanted to "bone" them. Seeing an image of a favourite character on a dakimakura was feeling like: "Oh, okay. I can see the creator's train of thoughts. I appreciate the quality of work. I don't mind other people wanting to buy something like that. But it's not something I would like to have. Seeing a character half-naked seems like I'm violating their personal space. Too intimate. I would rather have a pin or a poster." I am more into fluff. Also like the idea of being buddies with the favourite character and being happy for their happiness with someone else.
When I became an adult, I understood, that I never want to act flirty around guys, or anyone really. For me it feels out of character. And never want my body to be sexualized. Icky.
My view on relationship was either a "hopeless romantic" one, or a "trying to logically or mathematically figure out how relationship work" one. It took me time to believe that two people can barely know one another to "jump right to action" and/or to start dating. I saw that in movies, read about that in book, heard about that in real life, but couldn't believe it or accept it. Because I always thought that choosing a partner takes time and "the thing" is one of the ways to show them your love for them. Like a catharsis, a quintessence of love. Something special for someone special (I'm and idiot, I know).
However, I always saw these things as a prove that I just have a childish outlook on life. That I'm just a dumb kid, who tries to understand the world of adults. I wanted to understand, why I felt that my experience differed from the people who surrounded me; but I couldn't identify myself as ace because back then I knew only about demi and grey. I didn't know that this spectrum has more labels.
I've finally found the answer to my question. It feels releaving and scary at the same time. And yet I feel happy.
P.S. I want to say "thank you" to two of my friends in real life, who supported me, after I came out to them.
Know Your "No."
Being an Old on Tumblr, I'm often down the rabbit hole of youthful angst and despair, especially from young women who don't know who/how to be in the world and are looking for answers in moodboards, trends, and memes. And listen — that doesn't end. It's why we have mid-life crises.
It's better to figure out your "no."
You gotta know your line. Your absolutely the fuck not.
Here's why...
Sometimes that "no" is hiding under a "yes." It's the guy who A1 d*ck who talks to you like shit. The high-paying job/competitive college program that stresses you the fuck out. The "Baddie" aesthetic that includes shoes you can't fucking walk in. You get what you want but because you didn't define what you didn't want, you're telling yourself this is fine.
When you start with Absolutely the fuck not, you free yourself up for exploration.
You put less pressure on yourself to have all the answers because as long as you don't see the Absolutely the fuck not, you can be guided by curiosity.
"Huh. What's over there? Let's try that on and see what happens."
No matter what your fave influencer says, you learn about life by living. You make a choice, it goes well, you learn what you like. You make a choice, it doesn't go well, you learn what you don't like. Rinse and repeat. This, and only this, is how you "figure it out." By doing.
When you pinpoint your Absolutely the fuck not, you trust that anything — no matter how good it looks on the outside — that requires you to do what you absolutely do not want to do is not for you.
Everything else? Fair game.
YALL I JUST DISCOVERED BIFLUX AND GENDERFAUN
I HAVE FOUND MYSELF
THANK YOU LGBALLT COMICS
Keys
Some might keep the keys I gave
Some might feel their essence
Some might remember what I said
Some might feel them right away
Some might stay lost on their way
Some might find the door one day
______________________________
Runner up / Twin poem to:
“One of the most solid pieces of writing advice I know is in fact intended for dancers – you can find it in the choreographer Martha Graham’s biography. But it relaxes me in front of my laptop the same way I imagine it might induce a young dancer to breathe deeply and wiggle their fingers and toes. Graham writes: ‘There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.’”
— Zadie Smith (via campaignagainstcliche)
College out of state is just learning how to listen to yourself tbh.
Don't wanna go to class today? Fine, how many excused absences do you have left? Will being absent throw your progress/grade out of whack? No? Then skip
Wanna hang out with potential friends? Oh you're burnt out/too tired to deal with people? That's fine too. You can still get tired of someone while getting along just fine.
You want to walk around the school grounds/go for a ride? Sure! You don't have to bar yourself from going outside as punishment for not hanging around others.
College is the time most people find themselves, and through that revelation, and their people. I know most have heard that before, but as cliché as it sounds, most ppl stuck to the others they had around in high school for social survival, so sincerity generally wasn't the main prerogative.
So, for the 95% of people who saw their high-school friendships flake away:
It sucks ass, I know, but when you get here you'll have a legitimate start to actually discover who you are outside of compromising factors (parents/guardians, siblings, former employers, etc.) ESPECIALLY for those w/ an invasive community.
And if I didn't make it clear enough before, the key to making use of this space is to not undervalue the small things. If you feel off about something, address it fairly—you're not a slacker just because you're straying from the model student ideal your parents forced you to compete against. Take it from a bio major who aced her last semester.
It is December 26th, 2024 and I have fully filled two journals I've owned since at least 2019. From front to back they are filled with random things that crossed my mind, notes of my interests, and things I never felt safe to share.
I am proud of filling them. Proud they are no longer blank pages. Excited to start in the next.
I have learned so much about myself since I started my journey of self discovery and self love in September. I am such a unique, smart, and thoughtful individual, but I am sure everyone says that about themselves. There's so much I have to learn about myself and so much I want to accomplish. I have to work on how I set and approach goals, but that's a challenge I welcome.
I am starting to slowly understand myself and I am so excited to meet me.
I've been unable to stop thinking about this since yesterday, and by doing some research I could gather some valuable info and understand some things i was mistaken about.
TL;DR: Intuitive tarot and claircognizance
Generally, the mechanics and method the game portraits is Intuitive Reading rather than fortune telling, where the reader uses intuition mostly instead of logical meanings, letting the energy do the story telling. This explains why sometimes the answers the game provides some answers that I don't think resonates with the card draw entirely, or it goes beyond what I'd think it means
Having a name to research about is so great because this is what i want to test with my craft, when i used to read, i heavily looked into meanings in books rather than just go with the flow, afraid to get it wrong, my intuition only came into play to connect the logical dots, decide on the structure or explore the cards i already knew best. It's a flaw of mine, the fear of making mistakes, so i tend to stick with the instructions more than necessary, rationalizing things too much.
It worked, I can't deny that, but it prevents me from developing whats most important: my senses. Talking of senses, i researched into clairvoyance briefly and can say the one that i feel wothin is claircognizance (man does it feel good to have a name for something i could only try to describe before).
Claircognizance, in my case, often manifests as little things that i know will happen before they actually do, and i have extensive memories of different occasions when i felt this happen: once in middle school, when a music instructor asked for a volunteer, and i raised my hand knowing I'd be the chosen one (i was); feeling my valorant match was doomed even when we had a large advantage (i was so pissed); knowing the word someone I'm listening to will use before they say it; my gut feelings were always rarely wrong, when i just started studying witchcaft and in our first trip to nature i actively searched and found the twig for my magic wand; knowing some people are not trustworthy/not liking someone for apparently no reason and they happen to be a jerk; choosing the right answer without a clue, just because it feels right, or knowing I'm picking wrong because it just feels odd, very different from a blind guess;
Having a feeling that i should deep dive a random subject, no matter if i never heard of it before, because it feels like it has the answers to the storm on my head.
Thing is, i never thought this weird phenomenon and tarot could be tied together, to let this little sentient voice in my head overthrow the basic words on the tarot book guides, i thought differentiating one known meaning from the other was enough, relating them to other knowledges were enough. Just passing the message ahead without much disturbance. But i feel it's not anymore
This is absolutely not an excuse to drop tarot study and just go around spitting feelings, no, it's an opportunity to boost my knowledge so i feel confident enough not to open a book and make sure it's right, trusting the feeling is enough.
Not only that, claircognizance sure played a huge part in my abilities to pick up the cues Hekate has given me up to this point, to read and understand Her signs, to know if She's pleased.
The more i look into it the more i believe this won't be just a mere test with tarot, but maybe a step up on my slow going studies, a way to make tarot less "square" for me and effectively introducing it to my routine (as i should, a long time ago)
If everything goes right, my blog will undergo big changes, i usually like to rebuilt accordingly ;)
Recently i came across a beautiful game that had me questioning a few things. When learning tarot i always stuck heavily with books' and instructions' help, a considerable amount instead of pure intuition (but of course there were some, or else it wouldn't be tarot). Other than that, i also kept constantly in mind that tarot was purely therapeutical and guidance rather than fortune telling, as many wiser Witches taught me.
This game however, showed me a completely different vision on how to read the cards, with very simple yet effective spreads and much more confident interpretations. I also have strong reasons to believe this is Hekate's idea.
TL;DR: I wanna try fortune telling instead of therapeutic tarot
Confidence, i think it's the keyword. When i started this blog, even if i wanted to stick with the guidance tips tarot i was taught, many people came to me asking things about their future and not much insights about themselves, and that made me so nervous because, obviously, i didn't want to make a wild, ambicious prediction and it be wrong, to disappoint the requester, nor did i want to bring the bad news. So to avoid it, i was the first one to bland it out and make it not a big deal. The grain of salt.
It is wise from a point of view, one's future is theirs to make their own, but constantly telling myself "I can't go too far" might have limited my own intuition power.
Of course a game is but a game, it is scripted and has the limitless of fiction, however i do firmly believe there are talented, gifted people out there that can predict the future through divination magic with precision unmatched (oh, the stories i heard), but it's something wlse entirely, much harder to believe i could be one of those.
Even if i am unfortunately not very constant with my tarot craft, because it doesn't pay my bills and all that, i do feel a strong connection with my decks and the things i learn through the little sessions and readings every now and then, therefore trying out a new thing could be doable
When im not in tune during a session, my cards kinda "refuse to work" until we fix the vibes, the question, etc, and when everything is aligned it flows with incredible accuracy and meaning. I never "predicted the future" per see, however many, dare i say most, of my readings sooner than later came to be true, the ones i had been close to watch it unroll, so it might be possible to channel that energy into something similar, bolder.
The more i think about it, the stronger is my feeling to dive into this possibility, because i know if that's something my decks are not okay with, they will give me the proper queues, leaving my on read, so back to insightful readings it is.
Just like i do with my hair, a little bit of experimentation will not hurt anybody
My idea is to go deeply into bold fortune telling, let my intuition go wild, align it with my current knowledge (and future, because that's never too much) and allow myself some creativity freedom, read the cards with my third eye and present the consultant with very different outcomes one might never have considered an option.
About Hekate's insight, this month i admit to have failed my duties more than other months, it got me a little sad, because it's partly due to work and rest routine that I'm terrible at organizing. But during one of my hunting sessions for games to relax, I came to find that game by paths i usually don't trail (navigation wise) and played the demo that instantly made me purchase the whole thing.
I have reasons to believe Hekate lead me to it, silently with a few odd clicks, just the way She initially lead me to tarot years back, with a simple instagram ad (an opportunity to take the first step, after many days of me pondering about it). The game, The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood, has a beautifully written script, nice game mechanics, pretty art and designs and wild interpretations of Witchcraft, a great piece of fictional entertainment watered with valuable pieces of basic information Witches should know about.
This totally wakened my senses, as i said, sadly not constant with tarot, i felt intrigued with the mechanics and possibilies, and after lots of research on the matter, my conclusion is yes, fortune telling could be possible for me, if im brave enough the flourish it.
Like the game protagonist, I'm a bit scared of what may come out of this, seen like i had a very turbulent past that made me insanely afraid of what the future holds (cough cough ptsd cough subject for another day), this can be a healthy way of helping deal with it.
I shall make a briefer post later, but my idea is to reopen tarot requests, making it explicit that this is a beta testing fortune telling kind of deal.
Although i feel strongly Hekate is the one once again showing me the way, i feel like gathering some additional sources to aid this possible journey, and read more into Apollo's devotes and their experience with clairvoyance is on my list, maybe i might be blessed with His dodgeball gift of prophecy red ball in the face, so if any of Apollo's fortune tellers, messengers or followers have any tips regarding prophetic matters I'd love to hear about it!
Hopefully I'll be back soon with news, thank you so much if you read until here, have a blessed week ✨
Maybe I should’ve known romantic love was a lost cause
for me when I fell
More in love with the moon than any person;
When my soul ached for one more minute under the stars,
Rather than the company of someone else.
.
Or maybe I should’ve known when the forest beckoned
me home—
Craggy trails and footstep-less dirt singing a siren’s song.
When disappearing into the wild seemed more right
Than handing someone my heart;
When emerald pines and russet ground seemed a more
welcome place
Than someone’s embrace.
.
Or maybe there was no way to know.
Maybe it always would’ve been this—
the moon and the stars and the trees and the earth—
the persistent sense of wrong—
the slow discovery, the quick recovery—
Maybe, in the end, it would always have been like this.
.
—Hindsight (y.c.)