Your gateway to endless inspiration
[text]: Just please try not to piss _____ off, I really can’t afford to find a new drug dealer again [text]: Well I’ve made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I’ve got this babysitting thing down [text]: Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas [text]: He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn’t disappointed. [text]: alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a sprained ankle. i die now [text]: Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming I’M UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE [text]: This ER has an aquarium in it!!! [text]: I’m fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life? [text]: You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when I’m drunk because “I could have died”. [text]: He’s tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should’ve shaved my armpits [text]: You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink. [text]: i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it. [text]: anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj [text]: Someone said we’re out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying ‘but where will all the polar bears live”. That drunk. [text]: I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when I’m drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. [text]: He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child. [text]: I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this. [text]: At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? [text]: Quick question. What’s the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders? [text]: Go back and try to find another to go home with. [text]: I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs. [text]: Ah, but I don’t wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday. [text]: I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone’s foreheads so they kicked me out [text]: This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It’s now a love polygon and I want out [text]: You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls. [text]: There’s so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now [text]: Just told myself the phrase “You’re not THAT single” while dressing myself [text]: who are you and why are you in my phone as Dr. Seuss [text]: so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning [text]: you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those you tried to call 911 [text]: all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed [text]: not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn’t use stairs [text]: I wonder if wearing only a tiara counts as being clothed. [text]: Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a “shady motherfucker.” Can’t argue with that one. [text]: thanks for bringing me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. [text]: I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.