Introspective-in-somnia - Ad Astra Per Aspera

So he's a fragment.

There's a lot on my mind about finding the definition and terminology for what I've been working with, and part of me feels truly dismayed to have found an answer. The stark realization that I've been something of a system for at least two years, and never knew until now. Though I suppose it's also necessary to ask - two years ago, would I have been in the space to handle this information? Or would it have sent me further into the spiral the spirituality was designed to prevent?

I think about this in relation to my spirituality. Fragment not as an alter per se, but in the definition of soul still. I first majorly interacted with him in the self ship community; it's as though my love for him manifested in a visceral form, putting him by my side each day, assisting me in processing and understanding my own emotions, the very task he struggled with.

The butterfly is representative of the soul. One could call this divine intervention of sorts. I think about the medicalized terminology and compare to the previous ideas the medical institution held regarding being transgender. "Gender Identity Disorder" paring the experience down to rights and wrongs, when the experience of being trans is so much brighter, bolder, and rich than anything a medical text could ever detail.

Yes, while this is a lot of information to take in, I still see a way to incorporate my own belief system. Belief system into my clinical system.

I know you know I love you, and I'm willing to bet that that is exactly why you persist with me today. You show me your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. I can feel on my own body where your wings would have been, how they would have moved with me. I see now why I struggled to see the experiences as "mine" and why I called them "yours". We are separate, but not by too large of a degree. Separate enough to delegate and sort, but not enough for you to truly speak through me.

What we are is okay. I'm glad to be able to know you. I'm glad you've been with me for this long and I'm glad for your service to me. I love you.

I've also had an interesting time thinking over the few memories I do have and realizing that they all fill in gaps in my current lived life

Such a challenge for me to like posts I see in the alterhuman tags because this is only a side blog - on my main I refer to myself as a kinnie in a playful manner and it doesn't seem genuine until you see this blog or the tags I use on my main

You know, I don't think I'm afraid anymore, I don't want to fight anymore, and I've come to see how fundamental this is to me. It isn't something I chose, so fighting performs a disservice to it.

I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

I think I love you.

I love you.

Sunset Daggerwing (𝑀𝑎𝑟𝑝𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑎 𝑓𝑢𝑟𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑎), family Nymphalidae, Colombia

photograph by Michael Garcia

**SPOILERS FOR THE BARBIE MOVIE**

I saw the barbie movie yesterday and found almost every feeling I have regarding humanity to be challenged. I struggle greatly with reconciling with my own humanity, especially with the isolation I feel from it due to some personal characteristics, as well as due to a lot of negative experiences growing up, ranging from abusive family to a host of adults who did nothing to help me as I moved through that exact abuse, as I moved through chronic health issues, through my undiagnosed autism, consistently struggling to fit in amongst those who seemed to reject me consistently. All of those feelings became very neatly tied together with my kintype, a nonhuman misanthrope.

This movie ran completely counter to my own held beliefs.

To see the negatives depicted, in barbie experiencing misogyny for the first time, in the discussions of how hard it is to be a woman, balanced in barbie's choice to be human, the imagery of her struggling to do things as simple as drink and her isolation from humanity itself, juxtaposed next to her finding a sense of beauty in it all, in her ultimately choosing to be human because all of the joy and wonders and experience is worth the pain and the risks. That ultimately, the love of the experience is worth it.

It's something I never imagined to see depicted on screen, and it's something that made me actively sob when I got home. The idea of this experience being worth it instead of being something akin to a punishment never crossed my mind, and I'm being left with a lot to consider. It feels almost overwhelming, I simply don't know where to start..

Saw a call for fictives... who are also bodily minors.. will I ever see myself represented in these calls..

I must say, othercon is making me feel genuine pride and comfort in my kin identity 💖

Can’t find the way back, Jeremy Miranda

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