Batfam Headcanons - Blog Posts

Ok, but like...

Damian being a stabby murder baby, BUT ALSO the quirky art kid.

Everyone at his school (he goes to in-person school, sue me) is TERRIFIED of him, and rightfully so.

One time he stabbed a classmate with a paintbrush after they knocked into his art table and spilled his paint across his canvas. Do you know how hard it is to stab someone with s paintbrush?

NO ONE goes into Damian’s art studio (except for Alfred because he runs the manor). Tim goes looking for the belongings that Damian steals from him in the studio. He comes out with nasty bruises every time.

But the thing is, Damian creates the most beautiful things! The rest family is astounded by what can create. How can Mr.Iwillstabyouifyoulookatmewrong paint such an elegant recreation of Titus' face!?

Everyone eventually stops questioning it.

Okay, but like...

Jason loves to mess with his siblings. That not particularly unique, as most siblings love to annoy each other. Only difference is that Jason is a little shit. Most of his "jokes" involve property damage.

One time he put Tim’s laptop into jello (he watches the office, sue me). Tim loaded all his guns with jolly ranchers in return.

Damian’s katana has been mutilated by Jason several times. It's always washable, but annoying all the same. A perfect example of this is the 'Syrup Incident' in which Jason coated everyone’s favorite weapons in syrup. Dick's sparky sticks were actually damaged by that prank....

The only one who rivals Jason in property damge has got to be Steph. I mean, come one, it's Steph.

Listening to Nirvana and it reminds me of Batman (thanks Patterson) and I just got a thought. Is I just me or would Tim drake have the best Kurt Cobain voice?

Like Tim can’t sing at all until nirvana comes on and it just fits his voice. Jason would both love and hate it. Dick would pray for Tim to stop quoting random lyrics at him (it sounds like gibberish until they recognise the song). Damien doesn’t get it. And Bruce is a proud dad.

Dick spent so much time climbing, hanging off things, or solving problems upside down that it became a joke with the Titans that Robins think better like that. Fast forward a couple of years and Jason threatens to shoot the next person who flips him upside down when he's scheming (Artemis gets Bizarro to do it). Tim nearly kicks Kon in the face for flipping him over. Kara does it when Stephanie's being annoying, but mercifully by the time Damian's there, no one does it to him. Still, occasionally one of the Bats will be upside down because they got caught like that or fell through a vent and have a Eureka moment and everyone will feel vindicated and it starts up all over again.

Damian, curled up in the library, reading a book he found that's been thoroughly annotated by someone. It's full of post-its. The person didn't write directly on the pages.

He can't quite figure out who did this. No one in the manor really fits the profile. The remarks are detailed, passionate almost. And the book's a romance novel of all things.

He reads through it while enjoying the commentary left by the mystery person. He blue screens for a second when he finds it signed at the end.

Jason Todd Wayne.

Dick: Hey Jay, what do you want for your birthday?

Jason: the jokers head.

Dick:...

Jason:...

Dick:...

Jason:... the limited edition Jane austen book collection would be cool too.

They mean so much to me

Tim: what's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Jason: i know you expect me to say trying to beat you to death that one time, but in the league i once told Damian that Talia was lying about his heritage to manipulate Batman and his actual father was Lex Luthor. so that.

Tim: ?!

Jason: yeah i faked a DNA test to prove it and he believed me for like 4 months.

Tim: holy shit

Jason: to be honest the meanest part was probably putting hair removal cream in his shampoo and convincing him he was going bald due to genetics. he was nine.

Tim: you are my hero. hear me say these words. I. Love. You.

Jason: i know buddy. i know.

Tim, slightly drunk: I told you all that I lost my spleen, but I actually know exactly where it is, because Ra’s keeps it in a jar on his bedside table.

Jason, also drunk: THATS WHAT THAT IS?!?!

Tim: you’ve seen it? HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!

Jason: I had to take Damian to visit Talia at the league!

Tim: AND YOU ENDED UP IN RA’S BEDROOM?

Jason: every time I go there I put an assortment of miscellaneous vegetables in his bedding to convince him he’s going insane.

Tim:

Tim: that’s actually kinda cool.

Jason: it’s the only thing that makes escourting the kid back and forth worth it.

Damian, twelve, Tim and Jason’s designated driver of the evening: I swear mother has assigned you to me like some sort of service dog, Todd.

Jason, nodding: or personal uber.

Tim: come to think of it I have seen you lay your head on him whenever you think he’s anxious-

Jason: HE SAYS IT HELPS-!

Damian: -fucking stay out of it, Drake!

Tim: aight damn

Jason, trying to intimidate Tim: you think you can escape me? in the league of assasins they used to call me the executioner. do you know how fucked up you have to be to get an organisation of assassins to give you a murder-centric title?!?! DO YOU?!?!?

Tim, eyes wide: dude i didn’t realise they were your waffles i’m sorry-

Damian in the doorway: they were MY waffles that Todd stole from ME.

Jason:

Tim:

Damian: and for the record nobody called you ‘the executioner’. most of us called you ‘pebbles’ because after you were brought out of the pit we kept finding you throwing pebbles into the pond in the courtyard

Tim, fighting a smirk: …pebbles?

Jason, to Tim: i will slam you up against this wall.

Damian, humming: he does have a strong arm. all that pebble throwing practice.

Jason: OK I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER-

(jason totally taught damian how to skip rocks instead of training him one morning and damian would rather die than admit its one of his favourite memories)

Ok, so you know how Jason looks like he's around 19-20 when he returns, but was dead for like a year before beign resurrected by the pit?

The pit, tecnically talking, makes you younger (apart from stronger and has a healing and reviving factor), Ra's Al Ghul usually uses it for this, to be younger and stronger and to heal injuries,.

So, what if, other than reviving and healing, Jason became younger than when he died when being revived by the pit? It would make his young appearance have more sense

Even more because Dick and Jason have like a 4-5 year old age difference, and when jason return Dick is like in his late 20s (25-30) so Jason should look like he's more than 20years old, but his looks his way younger, so maybe when he was revived the pit made him younger.

Ok, so you know those posts/hadcanons where the batfam has hallucinations about Jason and his ghost, and how sometime this hallucinations continus even after his return (usually fo Dick)?

Well, you know how Jason, when he was Robin (especially at the start), said "Robin is magic" or "Robin gives me magic" or similiar things?

Lazarous pit is technically a magic pit, no? And "Robin" made Jason magic, right? What if the 2 types of magic can't coesist? Lazarous gives anger, suffering memmories and all, and Robin is a "happy" type of magic, so the 2 can't coesist togher in a sole body... So... here to you my headcanon:

There was no ghost before the pit, sometime Bruce and Dick saw the shadow of Jason, like usually people who just lost someone they always have around do, but it dosen't last long...

Talia found and took Jason body and threw it in the pit, Jason revived, stronger, angrier... but something now was missing.... his happines.

That same happiness that left the now angry body returned to Gotham, right after Bruce and Dick kinda of vendetta against Joker and a week after the "shadow" of Jason gone away.

Jason Robin: Hey! Dick: What?! not again, I tought I would't have any more allucinations Jason Robin: ? Jason Robin: Dad! I'm here! Bruce: *starting to cry* Please, no, not again... Jason Robin: *more confused*

Years pass, and finally Jason return, but the little magic ghost never when away, but only Bruce and Dick would see him sometimes

Red Hood: why are you here? I tought that when I died the magic of Robin vanished Jason Robin: nah, not really, I just got expelled because of that stinky greenish pit Red Hood: but still, why are you here? To stop me? because I won't, Joker is still alive, they didn't vengence me Jason Robin: well... that is actually a really long story, it was a long fly, I arrived after that... so I'm not sure of all the details...

After Jason reconciled with the batfam the ghost was still there

Dick in his apartment: Jason returned, why are you still here? Jason Robin: I alredy told you! Robin makes me MAGIC Jason who just broke in to share info with Dick: Hey Dickhead Dick: Jason? why- Jason: hello to you too little me Dick: YOU SEE HIM?!

after some seconds of blank silence Tim comes in

Tim: it's too low, his voice is too low and the growling keeps messing with it, the voice changer sounded too strange, so for that we are giving to people the excuse of a sore throat Dick: yes, that Diana: *blinks* Diana: ...ok?

Bruce gets a bad concussion with the JL, it's how his identity is revealed. Bc he can't stop talking in his bruice voice and he doesn't know he's doing it (like those people who hit their head and getaway accent)

can we do it the other way round where bruce has an unskippable wayne event he has to go to but he got a concussion day of and now for some reason he can’t drop the batman voice. he just has to go be brucie wayne but while growling menacingly every fucking word and he cant stop. some of the JL are also attending this event as their super personas and they don’t know what to do bcs their old pal brucie wayne is sounding EXACTLY like their coworker batman and eventually dick has to pull them aside and cover for him like ‘ok so dad got caught up in an emergency and we asked batman to cover for him as a favour. he’s wearing a face change technology thingy’

diana is like ‘how come you have face changing tech and not voice changing tech?’ and dick just stares at her for a really long time bcs he truly does not know what to do

An headcanon that I have about the Batboys:

Jason and Dick have a thing for redheads, and this is true both in fanon and canon,

some of Jason love interest in canon are: Barbara (yes, for some reason that is canon in some dc universe) and Artemis (the Amazon from outlaws). And in fanon: Roy and Koriand'r All of them are redheads

now Dick, in canon: Koriand'r and Barbara (again). In fanon: Wally Still, all of them redheads

so yeah, the first to robins have a thing for redheads, but the third and fourth (beacuse Steph is more like robin 3.5) have a thing for Kryptonians... let me explain

romantically in fandom, and in frienship in canon, Tim has Kon, and Damian has Jon and the fact that dc gave Jon a boyfriend, and the same goes to Tim, but that boyfriend isn't their bat/supes counterpart...

so yeah, this is my headcanon do what you want with it

and about the children and in general batfam?

well... idk, like for the most of them idk, I have some ideas about Tim, Jason, Damian and maybe Cass, but for the rest... no idea

Tim: omega, because it would make sense that Janet and Jake were like betas or alphas and when tim turned out to be a omega (with like some kind of blood test that said the gender before it manifested or something like that) were dissapointed about it and started ignoring him Damian: alpha, no need to explain why, Talia was an alpha like her father so Damian is too. how he was concieved and born? well... that's a bit more complicated, like if we want him to grew like an assassin there can be two ways: 1) Artificial womb, like Talia stole some DNA or Bruce egg and used an artificial womb or a surrogate to have the child 2) Trauma, I mean, Talia probably stole Damian from Bruce when he was born and told him the child died for a complication or another then we have the Damian didn't go to the league and bruce birthed and protected him.

Jason: pre Lazarous pit he was a beta, post Lazarous pit he became an alpha, probably for some magic of the pit, maybe even Ra's Al Gul was a beta before he used the pit the first time. Or, no change in the pit, Jason is an omega, one of this two options, that's it

Cass: maybe she's an alpha, or a beta, idk because the thing is her smell, she could use blockers, or her father removed the glands maybe.... idk but for sure not an omega. even tough she's the sweetest.

Batman in omegaverse

Batman in an omegaverse always should be an alpha or at least someone without a smell , but not Bruce Wayne, he should be an omega, so hear me out:

Bruce Wayne by the public is considered to be a Homeboy (probably, idk the correct term, I'm italian), he's all smiley, a guy that continiusly adopts (apparently) random orphans, who is known for sleeping around a lot, at least befor Dick was adopted, the person that if you even go near his children will go crazy to protect them; kinda of boneless, who dosen't really works at his own company, basically Brucie Wayne (in the public eye, then in reality we all know the normal Bruce Wayne out of galas is not like that), an omega.

But Batman?

Batman is perceived as a menace for goons and villain, the darkness of Gotham, its protector, so an alpha, or at least what people think he is; probably he uses blocker so he smells like nothing or like an alpha.

and all of this makes even more sense because since the start bruce tried to separete the 2 personas (even in the canon) to protect his identity, so they're complete opposite, could ever Brucie Wayne be Batman? ptf NO, that's the point, so having a omega Brucie and an alpha Batman makes way more sense than having an alpha Bruce Wayne

It would be hilarious if villains loved Nightwing and were terrified of Officer Dick Grayson.

Dick Grayson- who is used to open spaces and adrenaline- being stuck in a boring bleak office, surviving on shots of coffee and red bull with caffeine that would make Tim concerned.

The thugs soon realised that unlike most of the other cops - Dick was from Gotham.

No one fucks with Gothamites.

Villain *shooting at Dick with machine guns*

Dick *appearing from the shadows behind him*: Boo.

Villain: THIS IS A FIVE STOREY BUILDING HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE

Or

Thief *throwing a counting down bomb at Dick*

Dick: *catching and tossing the bomb at a safe distance before turning round and shooting it so it explodes mid air while running after thief*

Thief: .. what the actual fuck

Dick: Gee look at all that time you had! Shame you threw it away :D

Thief:

Dick: I’m from Gotham

Thief *realising they fucked up* : Please don’t steal my bones

OR

Shooter: *sets elaborate booby traps throughout the houses in an active hostage situation*

Dick *using his training as robin and inhuman flexibility to surpass them with ease*: Ah been a while since I got to have a nice stretch thank you.

Shooter:

Dick:

Shooter:

Dick: .. Hi :)

Shooter: Are you Satan?

AND

In interrogation room

Murderer: I think I’ll take your eyes and add them to my collection

Dick *running on spite and caffeine that could give Superman a sugar rush* : Funny.. I was going to say the same thing to you

Murderer: .. what

Dick: I wouldn’t take your eyes though.. they look like the inspiration behind the whole Medusa’s “look at it and you turn to stone” thing-

Murderer: Hey! Take that back before I gut you

Dick *smile stretching wider without blinking* : oh? Or what? I know everything about you. Who says I can’t kill you and walk out with everyone being none the wiser? I know how to kill someone too..you aren’t special.

Murderer:

Murderer: I’m scared for my safety.

Because the thing is, Nightwing is who Dick really is. It’s who he can be free as, be himself as without red tapes and regulations. Where he can give as good as he gets, and he’s kind and empathetic. He gets to help the downtrodden and goes easy on most of them if they give up right away, not to mention the fact that he never causes permanent damage.

But officer Dick Grayson is a different story. He runs on sleepless nights and no self preservation. Seeing an officer with an uncanny skill set they’re scarily good at, not to mention the cheery attitude he always has scares the shit out of criminals. Cuz no way in hell is a smiling Gothamite not a deranged one. He chases crimes like a bloodhound, and isn’t afraid to make good on threats he makes to ensure they never hurt anyone again.

Bonus if the batfam doesn’t know about this.

Red hood: Shit I can’t believe we ended up in Bludhaven

Red Robin *tying up the corrupt politican* : Since this is a sensitive case, we need someone we can trust to make sure it is seen through.

Red hood: .. So we paying a visit to Officer Grayson?

Politician *screeching* : NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NOT HIM!! JUST KILL ME INSTEAD AND TAKE ALL MY MONEY I CANT DEAL WITH HIM!

Red hood: .. is he fucking serious?

Henchmen: Sir he is. And we agree. Please take our bones and kill us but don’t take us to Officer Grayson.

Red Robin: Wait what did he do?

Henchman 1: He asked boss if the hat was sentient.. and said that if it was would it make that hat the top and boss the bottom.

Henchman 2: Last time we met I tried to shoot him but suddenly my gun was blank and he raised his hand and let the ammo drop

Red Hood: Well even I could do that-

Henchman 2: They were my bullets. I had selected the colour personally.

Red robin *growing concerned*

Henchman 3: He sang a lullaby to a child when we were holding the station hostage, and replaced the people with my family members. He even sang their social security numbers!

Henchman 4: He’s the most dangerous of them all. I ain’t shitting ya when I say he’s as scary as the bat from Gotham.

*all nodding in agreement*

Red hood:

Red Robin:

Red hood: Nah that doesn’t sound like Dick

Red Robin: Agreed. Let’s go there Hood.

*villains’ sobbing intensifies*

I think it would be really funny if every time Dick and Jason joined missions they kind of failed upwards, even if they goofed off, or dredged up extremely personal shit, it helped with their secret identities or got them to think outside the box. There's always a disagreement on methods, someone gets kicked through a door but it's the right door and they stumble on all the evidence and the bad guys. Something that got set on fire was actually a secret message that only appeared upon heating, or they found evidence of the crime while trying to delete embarrassing CCTV footage.

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

It would be hilarious if villains loved Nightwing and were terrified of Officer Dick Grayson.

Dick Grayson- who is used to open spaces and adrenaline- being stuck in a boring bleak office, surviving on shots of coffee and red bull with caffeine that would make Tim concerned.

The thugs soon realised that unlike most of the other cops - Dick was from Gotham.

No one fucks with Gothamites.

Villain *shooting at Dick with machine guns*

Dick *appearing from the shadows behind him*: Boo.

Villain: THIS IS A FIVE STOREY BUILDING HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE

Or

Thief *throwing a counting down bomb at Dick*

Dick: *catching and tossing the bomb at a safe distance before turning round and shooting it so it explodes mid air while running after thief*

Thief: .. what the actual fuck

Dick: Gee look at all that time you had! Shame you threw it away :D

Thief:

Dick: I’m from Gotham

Thief *realising they fucked up* : Please don’t steal my bones

OR

Shooter: *sets elaborate booby traps throughout the houses in an active hostage situation*

Dick *using his training as robin and inhuman flexibility to surpass them with ease*: Ah been a while since I got to have a nice stretch thank you.

Shooter:

Dick:

Shooter:

Dick: .. Hi :)

Shooter: Are you Satan?

AND

In interrogation room

Murderer: I think I’ll take your eyes and add them to my collection

Dick *running on spite and caffeine that could give Superman a sugar rush* : Funny.. I was going to say the same thing to you

Murderer: .. what

Dick: I wouldn’t take your eyes though.. they look like the inspiration behind the whole Medusa’s “look at it and you turn to stone” thing-

Murderer: Hey! Take that back before I gut you

Dick *smile stretching wider without blinking* : oh? Or what? I know everything about you. Who says I can’t kill you and walk out with everyone being none the wiser? I know how to kill someone too..you aren’t special.

Murderer:

Murderer: I’m scared for my safety.

Because the thing is, Nightwing is who Dick really is. It’s who he can be free as, be himself as without red tapes and regulations. Where he can give as good as he gets, and he’s kind and empathetic. He gets to help the downtrodden and goes easy on most of them if they give up right away, not to mention the fact that he never causes permanent damage.

But officer Dick Grayson is a different story. He runs on sleepless nights and no self preservation. Seeing an officer with an uncanny skill set they’re scarily good at, not to mention the cheery attitude he always has scares the shit out of criminals. Cuz no way in hell is a smiling Gothamite not a deranged one. He chases crimes like a bloodhound, and isn’t afraid to make good on threats he makes to ensure they never hurt anyone again.

Bonus if the batfam doesn’t know about this.

Red hood: Shit I can’t believe we ended up in Bludhaven

Red Robin *tying up the corrupt politican* : Since this is a sensitive case, we need someone we can trust to make sure it is seen through.

Red hood: .. So we paying a visit to Officer Grayson?

Politician *screeching* : NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NOT HIM!! JUST KILL ME INSTEAD AND TAKE ALL MY MONEY I CANT DEAL WITH HIM!

Red hood: .. is he fucking serious?

Henchmen: Sir he is. And we agree. Please take our bones and kill us but don’t take us to Officer Grayson.

Red Robin: Wait what did he do?

Henchman 1: He asked boss if the hat was sentient.. and said that if it was would it make that hat the top and boss the bottom.

Henchman 2: Last time we met I tried to shoot him but suddenly my gun was blank and he raised his hand and let the ammo drop

Red Hood: Well even I could do that-

Henchman 2: They were my bullets. I had selected the colour personally.

Red robin *growing concerned*

Henchman 3: He sang a lullaby to a child when we were holding the station hostage, and replaced the people with my family members. He even sang their social security numbers!

Henchman 4: He’s the most dangerous of them all. I ain’t shitting ya when I say he’s as scary as the bat from Gotham.

*all nodding in agreement*

Red hood:

Red Robin:

Red hood: Nah that doesn’t sound like Dick

Red Robin: Agreed. Let’s go there Hood.

*villains’ sobbing intensifies*

Sometimes when Dicks just too tired to deal with the batfam’s shit he starts encouraging them.

================================

Surrounded by gang members and caught in the crossfire between two gangs

Jason *pulling out a gun* : I’m gonna fucking obliterate all of them

Nightwing: Go right ahead

Jason: .. you serious? I’m not playing Dick I WILL shoot every single one of them in the head

Nightwing: sure.

Jason:

Nightwing: What you want me to start? Okay.

Jason: .. Dick why the fuck do you have a gun? DICK STOP LOADING THE GUN-

================================

At a stakeout waiting for the proof before intervening

Tim: Why can’t we just force a confession instead of waiting for him to crack?

Stephanie: Ooo or threaten him with blackmail so bad he starts crying!

Duke: Guys *eyes point to Dick sitting in a corner*

Stephanie: Right.. party pooper

Nightwing:

Nightwing: Okay got it.

*heads out*

Duke: No Dick wait! We were joking!

Stephanie: drama queen just needs a minute sunshine- wait is that him approaching the target?

Tim *who’s seen this happen before* *panicking knowing what’s gonna go down* : OH SHIT ABORT-

================================

Being stuck with a very annoying henchmen who won’t stop talking

Damian: .. Can we simply shut him up?

Nightwing: whatever you wanna do

Damian *narrows eyes*: I can’t ruin my katanna for this

Nightwing: *hands him knife*

Damian:

Nightwing: And remember, the most effective place to silence someone without causing them excruciating pain and also temporarily depriving them of air is right here *points to a small area on the neck*

Damian: ..

Nightwing: .? Go on?

Damian *putting it away* : .. no..

================================

It works a 1000 times more effectively just because either all of them are bluffing or they’re scared Dick’s not.

absolutely obsessed with Jason and Tim being the family psychologists that spend 90% of their time together just getting into long debates and discussions about the personalities and mental issues of everybody in the family. they will meet up at Jason’s apartment twice a week for takeout and a 2 hour conversation on how Damian might be so obsessed with the Robin mantle because the dynamics of the league make him think that family should be a business and if he cant work as a vigilante he’ll be abandoned. every stakeout they do together ends up with them getting distracted talking about Dick and his obsession with red heads. they’ve let multiple people go during these stakeouts bcs they’ve gotten side tracked when they then start discussing if Jason’s childhood issues and strained relationship with Dick somehow influenced HIM to befriending Dick’s old pals so often, and they get so fascinatingly into it that the guy they were waiting for just. slipped right by them.

nothing is off limits between these two when they start talking about mental health and family issues. they’ll compare Tim’s abandonment-independence from the Drakes to Jason’s caretaker habits from his dug addicted mother. there have been 3 hour phone call conversations about the loa and how it fucked with Jason’s perception of Bruce that then get turned into 4 hour face to face discussions about how Tim’s opinion of Bruce rapidly declined because of Jason’s death and how he handled it. they rehash how Bruce has effected every single bat child about 12 times and they still never get tired of it.

it’s not even about therapy or coming to terms with trauma. these two bitches just love dissecting family drama and psychology within the Waynes. every now and then during dinner somebody will make a fairly casual remark that has nothing to do with anything and Jason and Tim will make eye contact across the table because they KNOW they’ll be tearing that apart at a later date. what I’m saying is english-enthusiast Jason Todd and stalker-genius Timothy Drake are 100% the gossip scientists of the family, and the Waynes are their lab rats being observed for their own entertainment

as much as i love angst i do also adore familial league of assassins shit, and since i keep seeing them on my tiktok fyp i cant stop thinking about those videos of idiot teenagers in military training being. teenagers. and thinking of jason and damian. just those two having weird little gimmicks and traditions that confuse the absolute fuck out of the rest of the family from their time at the league.

damian will refer to grapes as ‘assassination implements’ because of that time jason tried to throw one at him, missed, hit ra’s in the back of the head, and to avoid getting out of trouble gaslit him into believing it must have been some kind of dart that hit him from a coup attempt. ra’s went into lockdown and had the entire base searched and jason’s been lying about it for a year, nodding along whenever ra’s brings up the ‘irritating failure that escaped capture’.

nanda parbat had a specific bar that a lot of the assassins would go to when off-duty for a break, but damian wasn’t allowed because talia said he was too young so jason and a couple other loa workers dressed him up in fake facial hair and convinced the bartender he was just a really short old guy to get him in, and since then whenever they talk about something damian’s done that he wasn’t supposed to do they say it was ‘old man brutus’ that did it. bruce has no idea who the fuck brutus is or why two of his sons find his existence so amusing.

whenever the assassins were fucking around on loa grounds they would have a specific low-down gravely tone of voice that when any of them saw talia or ra’s approach, they would use to warn the rest of the group by saying ‘al ghul’ in that tone to indicate everyone had to straighten up and act like they were training. damian can copy that tone perfectly, and will use that voice when saying non-sensical words like ‘ooby-dooby’ and ‘birch tree’ because the tone makes jason instinctively straight up and whirl around like a soldier hearing the word ‘sergeant’. it works every fucking time.

one of damian’s tutors and jason’s mission colleague hated coconut milk with a fucking passion and would rant about it every time it was brought up in conversation. a lot of the guys would take bets on how long she could go talking about it and then purposely brought it up to set her off as a game. every time anyone around the loa base was seen with coconut milk somebody would respond ‘what would eden say if she saw you with that?’. tim dick and bruce do not know who eden is or why they hate coconut milk and at this point they’re too scared to ask.

all im saying is the loa becomes much funnier if we consider it just to be a very strict assassin boarding school that jason attended and damian grew up in.

Bruce Wayne struggles to say “I love you” to his kids but is always doing things for them without being asked.

Steph: yeah, my check engine light is on and I have no idea why.

Bruce: *immediately grabs car jack and is outside with the hood open*

Tim: M&M’s are so good, man!

Bruce: *fills center console of Batmobile with M&M’s*

Duke: I love when birds sing so much. It’s always nice to wake up to

Bruce: *hangs birdhouses and bird feeders outside his window*

Babs: I just need one more book to complete my collection.

Bruce: *has a first edition on her desk at the library first thing in the morning*

Jason: I heard the new Mario Kart is fun.

Bruce: *buys it and a switch and puts it in his mailbox*

Dick: yeah, I really like their new album.

Bruce: *get him VIP tickets to the concert for him and five people*

Cass: I’ve been meaning to put this shelf up but I keep putting it off.

Bruce: *hammer and leveler teleport into this hands*

If anyone asks, he doesn’t acknowledge he did any of this or he shrugs it off with a “yep.” He’s a man of action, not words. He cares deeply and doesn’t know how to show it.

𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐥...

batman's cape (and any of the other batfam member's capes) are heated/can be microwaved :D.

...yeah, probably not the most original thought. surely someone has come up with this before, and hey, maybe it's even canon - but that doesn't really take away any of the ideas I have, so on we go anyways lmao.

I imagine that you, y/n, reader (lol idk-) is often found all wrapped up in bruce's cape (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S FRESH OUT OF THE WASH) and he'll be TEARING the manor apart looking for that shit because why would it be anywhere else except in the bat-cave, in his bat-suit vault, right there clipped onto the specific bat-suit he's choosing to wear for whatever mission he's finna go on, just to eventually find you on a couch somewhere above the bat-cave all rolled up like a worm in it with the glow of your phone emitting from underneath the fabric and your little giggles muffled by it because you're probably laughing at memes or something idk.

bruce is definitely the type to think it's silly and lowkey can't even blame you because it do be cold in the mansion, but he also refuses to drop the "I'm so hardcore and a brute and stone cold" act so he's yanking that shit offa' you and you're just BEWILDERED, suddenly exposed to the light and cold like, "😮⁉️🫨⁉️" and before you can even process wtf happened, bruce is already whisking around the corner, gone and out of sight💀.

dick would also think it's silly, but lowkey actually be annoyed, though, and he'd make that KNOWN. like, sure, he'd initially be VERY stressed when he can't find the cape (even though it's not thay big of a deal but for some reason, he just doesn't feel "complete" without it😭) but then he'd see this huge lump all wrapped up in it on a bed in one of the many rooms or something. at first, he'd think it's one of the handful of pets owned and living in the wayne estate, just to peel back the fabric and see YOU.

"...Hi😃..."

"...🙂Why are- Nevermind. You do know that I need this, right?"

"I mean,,, you don't need it, you just-"

*YANK!!*

"NO, WAIT, IT'S COLD!!"

"THEN GET A BLANKET!!"

I'm sorry, but I feel like dick don't play 'bout his cape, and you're just either gonna have to find different ways to sneak it or just leave it tf alone😭✋🏽. but when it's not currently in dire need by him, he'll happily return it to you and smile when you squeal and wrap yourself back up in and under it while it warms up.

BARBARA GETS IT FR. SHE GETS ✨️🩷YOU🩷✨️. but also, she is attached to it in the way dick is, so don't be surprised if and when she needs it, she's taking it from you with zero mercy and under the excuse of, "I'm on duty tonight, I'm not showing up out of uniform lol." and you're just left there like "☹️...". but outside of those times, the both of you can be found very happily and contently under her cape as you watch horror movies or something and rambling about who knows what, a common interest lol.

and I'm pretty sure in some strains/universes or whatever of dc, she ends up becoming oracle because she's paralyzed or some shit, right?? I could totally be wrong, but if I'm not, I feel like in that case, she just GIVES it to you. she makes it a huge deal, too, she acts like she's passing along the magical ashes of a dead ancestor that grants you infinite knowledge and protection or some shit and has a whole speech prepared, just for her to hand you this neatly folded up cloth and you're just like, "...You're giving me your cape😀??" and she's like, "Ya🙂♡." and you can't even be mad because ...

IT'S A HEATED CAPE like idk what else you could want from her like plz✋🏽.

(*casually skips over Tim bc idk enough about him and if I mischaracterized him I'd have to delete this account and then me off of the face of this earth bc I refuse to be that bitch who doesn't know her shit😃*)

jason will see you with his cape, and whether you're awake or asleep, he'll loom over you menacingly until you sense his presence, and then not even give you the chance to give excuses before he's like, "I'm on watch tonight."

you don't dare protest lmao. and he isn't giving it back to you later on. it's one of those things that if you really want it, you gotta go get it. and then expect you won't have it for very long, so whatever you plan on doing with it, you better make the most of it😭✋🏽. that's literally all I can say for him lmao.

DAMIAN (my fave) (^3^)/. I feel like he'd make it seem like SUCH an inconvenience for himself even though he doesn't actually care about the cape itself and if anything, finds it very sweet and endearing that you literally use it as a blanket because "it gets so warm" and "it smells like you" and "it's here when you're gone and I miss you". but, much like his father, he just HAS to keep up the, "I'm so stone cold and no nonsense and eternally vexed" facade, so if you're awake and you have it, he'll just hold out his hand expectingly and - like jason - you don't dare argue because you're just gonna lose🥲.

but if he finds the cape and you're asleep with/under it, he'll actually let you keep it. like, he'll just leave it and either go about his superhero duties without the cape entirely, or he'll just use another one from a different suit. sure, it might possess different capabilities (no pun intended), or he might feel a little... off... without a cape, but he'd rather that than interrupt your comfortable state.

and you'll be so bent up about it when he returns, and you're like, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE IT😭💔?!" and he's like, "you were obviously very comfortable, I didn't want to disturb you😐..........🫶🏼."

so um.... yeah, I honeslty dk where all of that came from, but do with this info what you will.

byeeee /ᐠ^ω^マ~ !!

The headcanon that Jason bakes when he's stressed eatsss

Duke: *wakes up from the feeling of being watched* wha??

*Jason standing over him with a fresh plate of peach cobbler* This is you favorite right?

Duke: um... yea..

Jason: here *sets plate on his lap* taste..

Duke: .... ok..

absolutely obsessed with Jason and Tim being the family psychologists that spend 90% of their time together just getting into long debates and discussions about the personalities and mental issues of everybody in the family. they will meet up at Jason’s apartment twice a week for takeout and a 2 hour conversation on how Damian might be so obsessed with the Robin mantle because the dynamics of the league make him think that family should be a business and if he cant work as a vigilante he’ll be abandoned. every stakeout they do together ends up with them getting distracted talking about Dick and his obsession with red heads. they’ve let multiple people go during these stakeouts bcs they’ve gotten side tracked when they then start discussing if Jason’s childhood issues and strained relationship with Dick somehow influenced HIM to befriending Dick’s old pals so often, and they get so fascinatingly into it that the guy they were waiting for just. slipped right by them.

nothing is off limits between these two when they start talking about mental health and family issues. they’ll compare Tim’s abandonment-independence from the Drakes to Jason’s caretaker habits from his dug addicted mother. there have been 3 hour phone call conversations about the loa and how it fucked with Jason’s perception of Bruce that then get turned into 4 hour face to face discussions about how Tim’s opinion of Bruce rapidly declined because of Jason’s death and how he handled it. they rehash how Bruce has effected every single bat child about 12 times and they still never get tired of it.

it’s not even about therapy or coming to terms with trauma. these two bitches just love dissecting family drama and psychology within the Waynes. every now and then during dinner somebody will make a fairly casual remark that has nothing to do with anything and Jason and Tim will make eye contact across the table because they KNOW they’ll be tearing that apart at a later date. what I’m saying is english-enthusiast Jason Todd and stalker-genius Timothy Drake are 100% the gossip scientists of the family, and the Waynes are their lab rats being observed for their own entertainment

Reminder that as part of the fandom you are free to think whatever you want about a character.

Headcanons are a thing but we also need to remember which things belong to Canon and which to fanon.

Comic writers frequently mess up with things and the fact that between the fandom we can put a little more diversity is enjoyable.

Headcanons are a thing, and we are free to think whatever we wanna think (except if it harms someone)

Tim and Jason stans excusing Jason's canonical brutal violence against Tim as "pitmadness" (this is NOT a thing in canon, guys) and forgetting Jason nearly killed 10 year old Damian too or often celebrating that reminds me Dick and Damian are also canonically PoC and whatever fanon may "colour code" them, Tim and Jason are very much White dudes.

Idk if anyone else remembers, but Batman canonically carries around Bat-cookies according to the Batman/Scooby-Doo crossover.

I LOVE to think Batman carries them around as snacks for Robin. I love it even more to think he uses said cookies to bribe Robin into good behavior in a similar fashion to Scooby Snacks.

Little Dick Grayson: I don't wanna go to some stupid Gala! U can't make me!

Bruce, in desperation: would u do it for a bat-cookie?

Dick: woah! Bat-shaped! Cool!

Bruce: andddd you can have another one after the party

Dick, mouth full of cookie: okay :)

Bruce, internally: thank fuck a parenting hack that works

Batman: stop! Don't kill him!

Red Hood: and why do I give a fuck what you-

Batman: would u spare his life for a Bat-cookie?

Red Hood:

Red Hood: I'm not a kid anymore-

Batman: they're fresh, look, still warm

Red Hood: ...

Red Hood: this works ONCE. This ONE time. Gimme that damn cookie.

Batman: of course

Red Hood: Fuck I've missed these what the hell does Alfred put in em

Bruce: go to sleep, Tim

Tim: I'm almost done-

Bruce: go to sleep now and you can have a bat-cookie

Tim: a what?

Bruce: a bat-cookie. See? Here, first taste is free. Try it.

Tim: bribery? Really?

Bruce: positive reinforcement

Tim: giving me treats like I'm some kind of dog?

Bruce: try it and then we'll debate the ethics

Tim [eats cookie]:

Tim:

Tim: okay

Bruce: Okay?

Tim: if I promise to sleep a full 8 hours I want two more and a glass of milk

Bruce: u drive a hard bargain but I accept

Dick: aw, c'mon, Damian. One picture. For me, to remember your first day of high school. Do it for a bat-cookie?

Damian: -tt- I've heard of these so-called "bat-cookies" Insulting. I am not a child. I refuse to participate in such an asinine tradition.

Dick: shame. Alfred made animal-friendly ones so you can share with Ace and Batcow. I guess they don't get any treats either, then

Damian: well

Damian: since it would please you so very much, I will overlook this patronizing lapse in judgment

Damian [tries one bite of cookie]:

Damian:

Damian: given Batcows higher food intake requirements, I will require at least a dozen.

Damian [takes another bite]: perhaps two dozen

Duke: you agree I did a good job today?

Bruce: yes? I suppose. Earlier, when you stopped that-

Duke: shut it. Don't care. Cookie me.

Bruce: excuse me?

Duke: I know about the cookies, old man. You've been holding out on me. The cat's out of the bag. I did a good job, I get a cookie. That's how it works, right?

Bruce: uh well

Bruce: that was a long time ago

Bruce: i had to discontinue that method after-

Duke: are you saying I'm not a valid member of this family because I was never Robin?

Bruce: of course you are! But I don't have any on me-

Duke: don't. Lie. To. Me.

Bruce: Okay! Okay. You're right, I'm sorry. Here, take it. Just... do me a favor, and don't go announcing to the whole cave you got-

Duke: YES. MY FIRST BAT-COOKIE! SCORE!

Every batmember in the vicinity: BAT-COOKIES ARE BACK????

Bruce: NO! stay back! Stay back you animals! Alfred! Alfred! It's happening again-

Alfred, sighing: I'll preheat the oven, sir

I like to think that all of the batboys are, in some way, scholars in one particular field*. So I've compiled a list of the areas the batboys are the most knowledgeable about:

Richard: math, musical history, anatomy

Jason: classics, ancient history, theology

Tim: anthropology, photography, textiles

Duke: physical sciences, architecture

Damian: art history, zoology, black-smithing

*For clarification, all my knowledge of the DCU is from the Young Justice TV series, the CW Flash, wikis, and other DC fans. Please correct me if I'm wrong about something.

Duke, I love you man

Duke is 1000% sure he does not want Bruce as his dad. Whenever he’s asked about it he rearranges which family member Bruce is. Everything but a father

Reporter: Mr. Thomas, have you officially been adopted into the Wayne family?

Duke: Why would my great uncle adopt me? You sound dumb.

Reporter: I– what?

Duke: Bruce Wayne's my great uncle, twice removed. He doesn’t need to adopt me. Plus I still have a dad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Teacher at a parent teacher conference with Bruce and Duke: Mr. Wayne, your son–

Duke: He’s not my dad.

Teacher: excuse me?

Duke: He’s not my dad, he’s my half brother.

Teacher:… Huh?

Duke: what? you don’t see the resemblance?

Bruce pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a mirage brewing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Villain of the week: Why don’t you fly back to Papa bat, Day bird. This isn’t a kids game.

Duke: Excuse me, Batman is my great grandmother five times removed and you’ll respect that.

Villain, beyond confused: I– I don’t even know what to say to that man.