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Sadcore - Blog Posts
Innocence lost
Love you more than those bitches before
Wine by the window.
reporting live from the war inside my head.
Tw: self harm, self loathing
A girl lies on her bedroom floor.
She bleeds through her eyes and cries through her veins.
I watch her helplessly and let her fall apart.
Everyday she fights long lost battles and dies gruesome deaths.
Her life is nothing but a grave full of dead hopes.
I watch her and do nothing.
Perhaps because there isn't much left of her to be saved.
She is covered in bruises I don't recognize her anymore.
I watch her with curiosity.
Her eyes dark and cold like the night itself, she reeks of misery.
A home full of ghosts, none of them remotedly as dead as her soul.
I watch her mercilessly.
After all that's what monsters like her deserve.
I say, and I stop watching her.
No part of her deserves to be loved.
I say, and I step away from the mirror.
“When she jumped, she probably thought she would fly”
The Virgin Suicides, 1999
“i feel so sad. i feel so abandoned. i feel very alone”“we’re all alone, reva.”
-my year of rest & relaxation
and he sat at the oncologist waiting room as life dimmed outside
« smoking kills »
« that’s the point isn’t it? »
this is what being alive is. a sticky menu between you and me in a cramped booth by a black window.
new york, new york
grand central smelt of pennies, ticket stubs, and desperation at 5:15 am.
"where're you headed?" the worker asked.
where was he headed? he didn’t realize leaving meant going away. but to go far enough to be folded into memory or far enough to be followed? would his wife search for him?
"connecticut.”
no comment; the worker printed a slip and took his money mechanically.
he needed a congratulations, deserved one for his decision. but who would congratulate a man abandoning his wife?
doesn’t the daisy calm your nerves, dear?
there are no exits where you’re going
no socks
are allowed in the red-room
no pretty pink flowers
are allowed
at the woods at night
I hope you know,
How many people loved you so silently,
Even you didn't notice, how their breathe was
Falling upon you, like heaven's grace,
Like every blessing.
And if knew, I certainly hope
You wouldn't want to stop living this young.
People aren't rude,
We just grow up without telling ourselves.
°°If you love someone
Must you know, and thus train yourself
how to live without them
simultaneously,
while willing to be together forever.
It wasn't the fact that everyone else's parents were proud of them, except for mine
It wasn't the fact that my parents never seemed to have time for me, so I settle for watching other kids with theirs
It wasn't the fact that I thought that a loving family was just a tv trope until I was invited over to other people's houses
It wasn't the fact that while other people's parents praised them, mine belittled me
It wasn't the fact that I had to rely on teachers and other parents' praise just to feel like I had someone in my life who liked me
It wasn't the fact that everyone else had goals for the future but I didn't see myself living to adulthood
No
It was the fact that my eyes were slits and my skin was jaundice compared to everyone else
It was the fact that people treated me like a zoo animal for their entertainment
It was the fact that everything I ate was poison compared to theirs
It was the fact that I had nobody else to relate to
It was the fact that I was the only one who didn't experience it
It was the fact that I was the only one who did experience it
It was the fact that my identity was nothing more than a punchline to them, just a joke
It was the fact that I had to pretend everything was fine and laugh
The only thing I can do is laugh, otherwise I'll just cry
That's what broke me
That's why I'm broken
